Let’s talk dating, guys.
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but just thinking about it makes me break out into hives. Dating in general is the fucking worst. And yet weirdly pretty damn awesome. And nerve-wracking. And just all of the awful. And pretty much the best thing ever.
And first dates?! Psh. Don’t even get me started. They’re a whole other beast, my friends.
A weird and awesome and nerve-wracking and awful and best-thing-ever beast. I think we’ve all been there before. We’ve all had that one first date that makes you want to crawl into your blanket fort and never, ever leave again. And we’ve also had that one first date that makes you ridiculously and annoyingly school-girl-crushy. That one first date that gives you hope, gives you just all of the
butterflies pterodactyls, and makes you think that maybe, just maybe, this dating thang isn’t so bad.
First dates are arguably one of the most unique (read: awkward) experiences we will ever encounter, each complete with their own set of highs and lows, failures and successes. Take it from someone who has pretty much seen it all and then some.
To all of the fellas out there, listen up. I’m not necessarily speaking on behalf of all female datees out there, but generally speaking, here are just some of the many thoughts that will likely pass through our beautiful minds the next time you find yourself across the table from your next Sizzle date. (Yes, we now have a dating app for bacon lovers. This is a thing. An actual thing. Because ‘merrica. And because bacon.)
- It’s 7:03pm. Does three minutes constitute as fashionably late?
- Shit. This place looks really fancy. Should’ve maybe rethought the Ninja Turtle t-shirt.
- No, it’s cool. I’ll look chill, like I just threw this on and looked effortlessly fabulous.
- 7:06pm. All right, cover me. I’m going in.
- Aw. He’s cute! From all the way over here at least.
- I mean, he doesn’t look like a serial killer.
- He’s already sitting. Dammit! I needed to analyze his height compared to mine!
- Handshake? Hug? Kiss on the cheek? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!!
- Why am I so awkward? Like, I am the most awkward person ever. I should just go ahead and apologize to my date right now.
- I’ve forgotten how to speak.
- Say anything.
- The weather? Really? That’s the best you could do?
- Wait. It’s okay. He’s smiling. Just breathe.
- You know what? He’s actually cuter in person. That’s an unexpected bonus I will gladly take.
- Okay. Let’s cover the basics: work, hometown, college attended, siblings, favorite way to eat an Oreo.
- Just pretend you don’t already know everything about him from stalking his social media. Act surprised!
- Yep. Nope. Definitely acted way too surprised.
- Oh thank God the waitress is here. Saved by the menu!
- I’ll have everything in the “snacks” section. Self-control!
- Umm, yes I’ll split the fries! I thought you’d never ask. #soulmates
- This is going well.
- Does he think it’s going well?
- We’ve hardly had any awkward pauses.
- Am I talking too much?
- OMG he hates me.
- Oh hot damn. The food’s here. Try not to look too excited.
- Yep. Nope. Definitely looked way too excited.
- Okay, it’s really hard to eat and avoid lulls in the conversation at the same time.
- What if I’m an ugly eater?
- I kind of have to pee.
- Yep. Nope. I really have to pee!
- DAMMIT WHY DID I WEAR A ROMPER??!! This is going to be at least a 20 minute ordeal.
- I’m just going to hold it.
- This dude’s pretty funny.
- Wait, was that a joke? I don’t want to laugh if he was serious, and I can’t not laugh if he’s trying to be funny.
- So the obvious solution is to make a creepy half-snort/half-grunt. Nice, Wendi. Nice.
- Great! He’s going to the bathroom. Now, I can check my phone and actually eat my food in peace.
- Wow! We
survivedmade it through an hour already.
- Selfie check! I still look cute.
- Has he been in the bathroom a while?
- Maybe he has stomach issues? Or he’s climbing out the window?
- FUCK! He’s coming back. Don’t stare!
- Hopefully he doesn’t notice I just shoved my face while he was gone.
- Another drink? YAASSSS.
- Is he playing footsie with me? Nope. That’s the guy at the table next to us. That’s not awkward at all.
- I do think he’s flirting though. He’s laughing at all of my jokes. I’m not that funny.
- Wait. What am I talking about? I’m fucking hilarious!
- I kind of like this guy. But who am I to say, really? I def have to debrief w/ my BFF (and mom) later.
- Oh shit! The bill. Dun, dun, dun.
- Let me grab my purse and at least try to pay.
- No, no, no. He just spent way too much money on me!
- Awe!! But it was really sweet. Crap.
- And he wants to drive/walk me home? SO SWEET! CRAPPPP!
- I really do like him!
- We’re getting really close to my building. What’s it gonna be??
- Just be cool, Wendi. Stop doing that awkward thing you do with your hands and feet and just follow his lead.
- There’s not even a name for the part of my face he kissed. Somewhere in the no man’s land between my cheek and my lips. Yep. That just happened.
- Did he really mean “Let’s do this again soon”?
- Going home and NOT recounting every last minute of this glorious night to my
roomiedog while I wait for his text.
- Yep. Nope. I totally am!!!
And this is why I don’t date, y’all.
This is why.