Confessions of an Over-thinker (Who’s Crushing Hard Core)

It’s no secret that I tend to be one that overthinks thangs *from time to time.

*Read always. I always over-think thangs.

I also tend to turn into a **goober whenever I develop a new crush on someone.

**Read biggest. I turn into the biggest goober ever.

Combine these two stellar qualities and you get me, the World’s Most Awkward Dater everrrrr.

I tried contacting the folks at Guinness but apparently I was barely out-awkwarded by Mr. Avocado. I see you, buddy. And just know that I do not go down without fighting. Challenge accepted.

Here are just some of the things that happen when you’re an over-thinker who is crushing hardcore on someone.

1. Deny, deny, deny. You try to convince yourself you actually don’t. Because crushes are a damn commitment! And you certainly don’t have time for *feelings* and all the worrying that goes along with them. Nope. Noooo. You absolutely do NOT have a crush.

2. ….And then you see that perfect face and your heart is instantly pulverized into a mushy smoothie—Fine. Whatever. You might have a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy crush.

3. Making eye contact becomes a huge conscious effort. Because there’s some weird part of you that thinks, somehow, they will look at you and just KNOW. Your eyes will totally tell on you—“Hey you. Yeah you in the corner over there drinking PBR while watching the Brewers/Rockies game. I’ve got some juicy gossip. See this person? The one looking at you through me? He/she is soooo totally into you.”

4. You practice conversations in the shower. Or on your drive to work. Or just chilling in bed on a lazy Sunday. Basically any place that you’re guaranteed some privacy. You’re coming up with interesting topics to discuss, things to say to impress him/her, and testing out the perfect tone to casually (but not too casually) say: “Heyyy!”

5. But then you begin to worry that “Heyyy” sounds weirdly excited, “Hi” is too robotic and formal, “Whazzzupppp?!” is too Budweiser and “How are you?” is too invasive. You end up settling on a simple head nod.

6. Arggghh. You gave a fucking head nod??!!??

7. Investigate your crush online. And spend the next hour convinced you accidentally liked an Instagram photo from 56 weeks ago. You consider deleting all traces you ever existed on any social media account. EVER.

8. Orchestrate the perfect way to just accidentally run into this new crush. Oh, you go to this coffee shop/bar/grocery store too? That’s so weird. I had noooo idea.

9. But when you do see your crush, you totally clam up and don’t say anything. Mayyyybe squeak out a “good” when they say “What’s up?” and immediately want to die. Oh. My. God.

10. Realize that you definitely should have gone with “What’s up?” You gave a fucking head nod??!!??

11. You look for any possible sign feelings could be mutual. I mean, seriously, ANY sign. “He DEFINITELY lingered when handing me my coffee cup,” or “He said my name and kind of smiled when he said it, so that for surely means hhe likes me, right?!” 

12. Plan. Plan. Plan. The overthinker is crippled by the thought of anything remotely spontaneous. There needs to be something set in motion. And a Plan B. And C. Because oh my God, what if it all falls through? Many, many nights are just spent thinking and scheming.

13. If you happen to run into your crush while out with your friends, you work EXTRA hard to act cool and collected. Shut up, Wendi, don’t you dare give it away. Don’t giggle. And don’t you even think about doing that weird hair flip thing you do when you’re nervous. THEY WILL KNOW! Everything is fine. It’s easy breezy. Didn’t even seem him over there looking all ridiculously cute. Nope.

14. You create a playlist of songs that you imagine one day listening to together. Like a soundtrack to magically fall in love to. Would you like some macaroni with all that cheesy cheese fest, amiright? 

15. You spend an embarrassing amount of time scoping out anyone attractive who has commented on their pictures. Because it’s probably his sister. It’s his sister. Just tell me it’s his goddamn sister, okay????

16. You remember any little detail they provide. A favorite musician? You stored that info away for good. It’s in the vault. You probably even decided to check if there were going to be any shows in your area. That way you can casually mention it. Oh what? You already got tickets? And you have an extra one? I mean, yeah, it’s not a big deal though…

17. You become paranoid that they can actually hear your heat thump-thump-thumping in your chest. Or see the gigantic butterflies pterodactyls flying around in the pit of your stomach.

18. You stress, daydream, and above all else, remember that having a crush can kind sorta make you feel a little out of your mind—but for all of the right reasons.

The 10 Commandments of Dating/Being Friends With an Uber Sports Fan

Y’all, big news. HUGE! OPENING DAY FOR THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS IS JUST 4 (4!!!) VERY SHORT DAYS (and 9 hours and 26 minutes and 15, 14, 13…seconds) AWAY!!!!!!

Not that I’m counting or anything.

Totally not counting.

Okay. I’m definitely counting. For those who don’t know, I’m kind of a big Brewers fan[atic]. Like, the biggest. I’m not even gonna try to sugarcoat it. And this madness, this undeniable fandom that I have? It’s a crutch. Being so emotionally invested in a handful of professional athletes who don’t even know you exist is a torrid addiction. This is a sports fan’s cross to bear. But here’s the thing you have to understand: If we’re going to have this as a vice, it’s much better than any other vices we could possibly adopt. Really. You’re lucky it’s sports we love.

But please don’t ever say it’s “just” a game.

1. Thou shalt not interrupt the game.

It’s sneaky and disingenuous to ask us to take out the trash, or what we want for dinner, and especially if it’s okay if your mother comes to visit. Please save all questions on how our day was until the final buzzer/inning/quarter. We appreciate that you care, but how we feel about our day is wholly dependent on this game. We will be able to tell you how our day was afterward. Also, if you RSVP or plan an event or date at the same time a game is on — especially when you know the game is on — you waive all rights for being angry when we explain why we just can’t even.

2. Thou shalt not tell us we’re getting too loud in the bar.

If the bar did not want us to be loud, they would not be playing the game on one of the TVs and encouraging us with loads of alcoholic beverages. WTF!!! ARE YOU CRAZY, UMP?!!? HE WAS TOTALLY SAFE!!!

3. Thou shalt not record your show when the game is on.

Hulu and HBOgo exist for reasons. The game takes precedence. This is why it’s wise to invest in the kind of DVR that can multitask recording one show while you’re watching another. Really, it’s worth the money for all parties involved.

4. Thou shalt not call us crazy when we stay up late or wake up early to watch a game.

Sssh, babe, go back to sleep. We need to watch this in real time. It’s not our fault time zones absolutely suck.

5. Thou shalt not question absurd team-related purchases.*

Such items include: $300 for an autographed picture; a signed ball; a vintage, collector’s jersey; ridiculously exorbitant tickets when our team is finally in town; tickets to the championship, etc. If this is our one chance to spend hundreds of dollars on a playoff game? Yeah, we’re going to do it. When else would we have $900 lying around for no reason? This might not happen ever again!

*This does not apply to cardboard cut-outs of our favorite player as living room decor. Really, it’s for our own good. We’re gonna want to do it, but don’t let us do it, because if you do, pretty soon we’re inviting Lucroy to the dinner table and saying that “Lucroy and I agree” when we disagree with you and really, nobody wins in this scenario.

6. Thou shalt not try to understand why we are so emotionally invested in a game whose outcome we have no control over.

Look, rooting for sports is like loving movie stars in that there is really less than 0.00005% chance that having a crush on Chris Pratt or Chris Evans (call me!) is going to result in holy matrimony, and there’s less than 0.00005% chance that our undying love for our team is going to help them win a game. But, you know, there’s a chance. We like to think there’s a chance. It gives us the will to go on.

7. Thou shalt not question our “odd” pre-game rituals.

Up to and including: sitting in the same chair every night; live-tweeting the game like it is the second coming of the Oscars; or wearing the same, grubby jersey/pair of socks every time. We will take care of that sacred piece of laundry when we see fit.

8. If we are in a fight, thou shalt not begin rooting for the rival team just to piss us off.

And if we go into this relationship already rooting for bitter enemies, well, get ready for some really passive-aggressive, irrational arguments. (And you’re not allowed to introduce us to your friends as “She’s great, even for a [____] fan!”)

9. Thou shalt not complain when all of our friends always come over to watch the game.

The rules of Sportsfanship™ clearly stipulate that the house with the biggest TV and appropriate cable package hosts any and all game viewing. If you really want to see less of the rowdy couch cheering section, get a smaller TV… actually, no, please don’t do that.

10. Thou shalt order the pizza and wings to show that you care.

Truly clutch people also buy the beer, but really, if you just respect that this time is sacred time between us and a motley crew of athletic spectacle, that is more than we could ever, ever ask for, amen.

**Cubs and/or Cardinals fans need not apply.

Confessions from the Friend Zone

The Friend Zone.

It’s a place we’ve all been at one point or another in our lives. Some of us (*cough ME *cough) have been there so long, we might as well take up a sublet and get a parking permit. If you’re one of the lucky few who don’t know what it is, the Friend Zone is a kind of relationship purgatory where one party is in deep like/love with the other party, but the other is only putting off friendly vibes. Basically, it’s the saddest party on the block. Or at least it feels like it at the time.

Let me preface this by saying that I am ALL about being somebody’s BFF. I place a lot of value on friendships and am always up for the opportunity to add another pal to my posse. But when you start to develop feelings for said other person, real feelings, and not have those feelings reciprocated, it can definitely be a blow to the heart. In fact, it sucks. Because no matter what you say or do, this other person will only ever see you as their friend.

The Friend Zone is a place I know all too well. I’m the Norm of the Friend Zone, the Mayor  McCheese of the Friend Zone, that “one pesky zit on your face that will never leave” of the Friend Zone. Most of my relationships have started and ended the same way: I meet a great guy, stomach is filled with butterfliespterodactyls, sparks are a flyin’ (at least in my mind), texts are exchanged, amazing dates are had and I begin to think, “Damnit. I really like Bob/Joe/Jim/Moe.”

Annnnd then it happens.

The dreaded “I think you’re a really cool girl, but…”, “You’re really great, but…”, “You’resosweetandIovedhangingoutwithyou, but…”

But…

But…

But…I just don’t like you like that.

Ugh. Friend Zoned.

I’m not sure why I’ve had the pleasure of frequenting this place so often. I mean, on the one hand, I’m flattered that guys think so highly of my mad friendship skills, but on the other hand, sometimes a girl just wants to be looked at as more than that. Be it the optimistic romantic in me, I like to think that this will happen. And I know it will. One day. And it will for you too. But that doesn’t mean that in the moment, it doesn’t suck like a vacuum any less.

While being given the “Friend card” isn’t exactly the most ideal of situations, it’s also not the end of the world. Take it from me, your [self-proclaimed] Friend-Zoned love guru, it can actually present itself as a somewhat positive thing, albeit a somewhat positive thing dressed in some pretty impressive camouflage. But a positive thing nonetheless.

Here are just some things to remember in order to help you get off of that dating bench and back into the game.

1. It’s not you; it’s them.

Yes, it’s the cliché to beat all clichés. But it’s a cliché for a reason. The toughest thing you will face when put into the Friend Zone is the how and why’s. You will more often than not spend an embarrassingly amount of time wracking your brain wondering what you did, what you didn’t do. At what point did I go from this person’s potential SO to just their “pal”? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! The truth is, you may never know. As much as you would like to change how someone sees and feels about you, you can’t. The only thing you can change is how you see and feel about yourself. If the other person in question doesn’t look at you the way you look at a burrito, then it’s time to walk away and find someone who does. Because burritos are delicious.

2. Take this opportunity to actually be just friends.

Just because the opportunity for any kind of romantic relationship is out the car window doesn’t mean that you can’t get a pretty amazing friend out of the deal. After all, you liked this person for a reason, and them you. You began as friends and if you’re lucky, you can still retain that after all of the awkward dust settles. Some of my most meaningful friendships stemmed from the dreaded (but really not-so dreaded) Friend Zone.

3. Recognize how much of a kick-ass friend you really are.

When the other person tells you how “great” and “cool” and “awesome” you are, listen to them! In the moment, of course these compliments of true authenticity go in one ear and out the next. And understandably so; you just had your heart broken. All you can think of are the things that you aren’t. But when the dust settles a bit, realize that these things that this person is saying are true. You are funny and caring and smart and funny and witty and one heck of a great person! Never, ever forget that!

4. Use this experience as a learning opportunity.

I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. Like just this morning for example, I woke up late and didn’t have time to eat breakfast so I stopped by Starbucks for a quick bite. Turns out they were giving away free bagels with any purchase of a coffee. Being given free food is the ultimate reason to believe in serendipity in my opinion. The same rules apply to relationships. Use this opportunity to learn from your experience. With each relationship you have, you grow. You find out what it is in another person you like and what you don’t. You become more confident and self-assured. Ironically, you’ll on occasion, if lucky, be given free food. Full circle.

5. Get back on the horse!

It’s natural and completely normal to be sad, to wallow a bit, drown your sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and an endless loop of Nicholas Sparks movies. Let it out, have a good cry, contemplate becoming a crazy cat lady/man. But then put your big girl/boy panties on and get back out there! This particular relationship may not have worked out, but that just means that there is one even better out there that will! Don’t lose hope. Focus on having the best life possible, spend some quality you-doing-you time, and just at the exact moment when you’re not looking for it, it’ll happen. Another cliché, but it really works. Or so I’m told; I’m still busy not looking for love in order to prove this point.

Image via

Thoughts every girl has on a first date

Let’s talk dating, guys.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but just thinking about it makes me break out into hives. Dating in general is the fucking worst. And yet weirdly pretty damn awesome. And nerve-wracking. And just all of the awful. And pretty much the best thing ever.

And first dates?! Psh. Don’t even get me started. They’re a whole other beast, my friends.

A weird and awesome and nerve-wracking and awful and best-thing-ever beast. I think we’ve all been there before. We’ve all had that one first date that makes you want to crawl into your blanket fort and never, ever leave again. And we’ve also had that one first date that makes you ridiculously and annoyingly school-girl-crushy. That one first date that gives you hope, gives you just all of the butterflies pterodactyls, and makes you think that maybe, just maybe, this dating thang isn’t so bad.

First dates are arguably one of the most unique (read: awkward) experiences we will ever encounter, each complete with their own set of highs and lows, failures and successes. Take it from someone who has pretty much seen it all and then some.

To all of the fellas out there, listen up. I’m not necessarily speaking on behalf of all female datees out there, but generally speaking, here are just some of the many thoughts that will likely pass through our beautiful minds the next time you find yourself across the table from your next Sizzle date. (Yes, we now have a dating app for bacon lovers. This is a thing. An actual thing. Because ‘merrica. And because bacon.)

• It’s 7:03pm. Does three minutes constitute as fashionably late?
• Shit. This place looks really fancy. Should’ve maybe rethought the Ninja Turtle t-shirt.
• No, it’s cool. I’ll look chill, like I just threw this on and looked effortlessly fabulous.
• 7:06pm. All right, cover me. I’m going in.
• Aw. He’s cute! From all the way over here at least.
• I mean, he doesn’t look like a serial killer.

•  He’s already sitting. Dammit! I needed to analyze his height compared to mine!
• Handshake? Hug? Kiss on the cheek? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!!
• Why am I so awkward? Like, I am the most awkward person ever. I should just go ahead and apologize to my date right now.
• I’ve forgotten how to speak.
• Say anything.
• ANYTHING!

• The weather? Really? That’s the best you could do?
• Wait. It’s okay. He’s smiling. Just breathe.
• You know what? He’s actually cuter in person. That’s an unexpected bonus I will gladly take.

• Okay. Let’s cover the basics: work, hometown, college attended, siblings, favorite way to eat an Oreo.
• Just pretend you don’t already know everything about him from stalking his social media. Act surprised!
• Yep. Nope. Definitely acted way too surprised.
• Oh thank God the waitress is here. Saved by the menu!
• I’ll have everything in the “snacks” section. Self-control!

• Umm, yes I’ll split the fries! I thought you’d never ask. #soulmates
• This is going well.
• Does he think it’s going well?
• We’ve hardly had any awkward pauses.
• Am I talking too much?
• OMG he hates me.
• Oh hot damn. The food’s here. Try not to look too excited.
• Yep. Nope. Definitely looked way too excited.

• Okay, it’s really hard to eat and avoid lulls in the conversation at the same time.
• What if I’m an ugly eater?
• I kind of have to pee.
• Yep. Nope. I really have to pee!
• DAMMIT WHY DID I WEAR A ROMPER??!! This is going to be at least a 20 minute ordeal.
• I’m just going to hold it.
• This dude’s pretty funny.
• Wait, was that a joke? I don’t want to laugh if he was serious, and I can’t not laugh if he’s trying to be funny.
• So the obvious solution is to make a creepy half-snort/half-grunt. Nice, Wendi. Nice.

• Great! He’s going to the bathroom. Now, I can check my phone and actually eat my food in peace.
• Wow! We survived made it through an hour already.
• Selfie check! I still look cute.

• Has he been in the bathroom a while?
• Maybe he has stomach issues? Or he’s climbing out the window?
• FUCK! He’s coming back. Don’t stare!
• Hopefully he doesn’t notice I just shoved my face while he was gone.
• Another drink? YAASSSS.

• Is he playing footsie with me? Nope. That’s the guy at the table next to us. That’s not awkward at all.
• I do think he’s flirting though. He’s laughing at all of my jokes. I’m not that funny.
• Wait. What am I talking about? I’m fucking hilarious!
• I kind of like this guy. But who am I to say, really? I def have to debrief w/ my BFF (and mom) later.
• Oh shit! The bill. Dun, dun, dun.
• Let me grab my purse and at least try to pay.
• No, no, no. He just spent way too much money on me!
• Awe!! But it was really sweet. Crap.
• And he wants to drive/walk me home? SO SWEET! CRAPPPP!
• I really do like him!
• We’re getting really close to my building. What’s it gonna be??
• Just be cool, Wendi. Stop doing that awkward thing you do with your hands and feet and just follow his lead.
• There’s not even a name for the part of my face he kissed. Somewhere in the no man’s land between my cheek and my lips. Yep. That just happened.

• Did he really mean “Let’s do this again soon”?
• Going home and NOT recounting every last minute of this glorious night to my roomie dog while I wait for his text.
• Yep. Nope. I totally am!!!

And this is why I don’t date, y’all.

This is why.

Dating in the time of the eggplant emoji

As a 29-year-old single woman I’m pretty much living in the thickest part of the modern dating/hookup culture – perfecting the art of getting the right guy to buy you Lemon Drop shots at a bar, crafting the perfect response to a text to make you seem just interested enough (but not too interested), taking the proper five seconds to adequately judge a person and determine whether or not to swipe left or right. Yep. That’s the world I live in now, and if I’m being 110% honest with you guys: I hate it with every fiber of my being.
Maybe it’s because I let insignificant events ruminate in my mind far past their welcome. Or maybe it’s because I sometimes have the tendency to react too sensitively to the people with whom I share the world with. Or maybe the modern dating scene is just horrendously f’ed up. It’s probably all three, but in the interest of, well, maintaining your interest, let’s just talk about that third observation.

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been in any sort of relationship (one worth talking about anywhoozles), but when I was, it seemed that I always heard people complain about the single life pretty much on the regular. Stories from my friends, articles on the Internet, anything popular on TV, everywhere. But it wasn’t until I began to experience it for myself (and oh have I!) that I truly understood what everyone was complaining about. Everything is so damn complicated. Nobody asks you out on a date; they just ask you to “hang out” – so after you do, you can spend the next three days that you’re supposed to be ignoring them wondering exactly what it meant. Did you see a movie? Go to dinner? Make out in your car? Fly to Paris and get drunk under the Eiffel Tower? Be careful; y’all were just hanging out. This means that we’re dating, right? We’re totally dating. Or are we? I wonder what he’s thinking? Did our mutual shared respect of Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool over our mutually shared tub of popcorn and Milk Duds mean nothing to him?!

I have a simple solution for those of you who struggle with these haunting questions: ask the other person. Oh wait, you can’t. Hahahahaha. And here’s why.

We live in a world where people are afraid to feel anything genuine, or at the very least, are afraid to show it. When someone is angry with you, there’s no phone call asking to talk about it. Instead you get a passive aggressive response to a text message or a suspiciously relevant subtweet, quietly calling you out in 140 characters or less. If you like someone, you don’t tell them how you feel; rather you act interested enough for them to pick up on it, but not enough to freak them out. Don’t like it? Too bad. It’s all a big game and if you don’t play by the rules then you lose, and if you lose you end up alone and drowning in a pile of your own insecurity (and Ben & Jerry’s), wondering what you did wrong.
Don’t ask to hangout two nights in a row. If you texted first last time, you have to wait for him to text you first this time. Don’t double text. You can’t assume anything is more than casual. And you can’t talk about it either. If you’re wondering where a relationship is going and you decide to bring it up, every word you say has to be carefully chosen so as to seem okay with any response you’re given, even if you’re not. Thinking about picking up your phone to call someone? That’s crazy sauce! All modern communicado is done through text, emojis and/or GIFs. ONLY.

Everything is calculated to appear thoughtless, and it is one of the most exhausting games I’ve ever had to play–and I once had an epic 6-hour Monopoly fest! I could earn a second masters degree with the amount of time and energy it takes to determine whether or not my casual fling/hangout/quasi relationship thingamajig actually has feelings for me.

If I like someone, I want to hang out with him. It’s as simple as that. Or at least it should be. But in the dating culture to which we are enslaved, it has to be more convoluted than that. If I talk to him too much, I’m needy. If I’m always free when he asks me to hangout, I’m clingy and have no life of my own. If he takes three hours to respond to my text, and my phone is in my hand when I get his reply, I have to wait to answer so I don’t seem too eager. And I am constantly wondering why I play these stupid games.

I am so tired of living in a world where apathy is more effective in getting someone’s attention than honesty. I’m tired of the manipulative games that men and women play with one another in an effort to maintain control in a relationship that we’re not allowed to define.

So here’s my idea, friends: let’s all stop being little f’s! Respect other people enough to tell them the truth. If someone makes you happy, tell them. If someone inspires you, tell them. If you’re not interested in someone, please just for f’ing f’s sake tell them. Don’t ignore people until they disappear. It’s time we grow up and stop leaving people hanging with unanswered texts and cryptic social media posts. Everyone is human and we’re all just trying to understand one another in this messy dating world, so stop treating a relationship of any kind like it’s a challenge to complete.

Be honest with other people about how you feel, and don’t get so lost in playing the game that you forget to extend that same courtesy to yourself.

The Heart of the Matter

I was recently asked by someone if I had ever been in love. When I was forced to admit my honest answer, no, it made me think.

Granted this conversation was after one three glasses of wine, and Moscato has a sneaky way of making me get just all of the philosophical. I once had a two-hour conversation about the deeper meaning and lessons behind the Monty Python films. Hint: it involved a lot of me talking in a terrible British accent and Spam. I wish I was joking.

I’ve been on this beautiful Earth for 28 years, and I’ve had many incredible life experiences, but what this particular person made me realize was that I’ve never really experienced the feeling of “being in love.”

Sure there was Kody Kremsreiter, my first “love.” We were both five, lived across the street from one another and both had the same obsession with Saturday morning cartoons, The Berenstain Bears, and chicken nuggets. In 5th grade, it was Jason Kopp. He shared his War Heads with me on the playground and always picked me first when playing kickball in gym class. Guys, if that isn’t the making of true love, I don’t know what is.

I’d like to say that my dating style improved as I got older, but that was not the case.  My middle name is awkward (actually, it’s Joe, but potato poe-tah-toe) and I never aced the whole flirting thing. I still haven’t tbh. I never really had a steady boyfriend. Sure, there were guys who I dated in high school and college and even within the last few years, guys who definitely gave me the butterflies, who I would stay up late talking to on the phone eliciting all the nervous laughs and palm sweats, guys who I thought were “the one.”

But the truth is, I’ve never had that deep down, feel-it-in-your-toes, over the moon, head-over-heels, soul-gripping and down right amazing love feeling. This isn’t to say that these guys weren’t wonderful people. They were incredible! Funny, kind, smart and big-hearted. This also is in no way a rumination seeking sympathy, and it isn’t to reflect on some kind of deprivation. My life has been anything but deprived. In fact, this is just the opposite. It’s the appreciation of how full of love my life has been.

I think what my friend was asking was if I had ever experienced that stereotypical romantic love, the kind of love that makes you reminisce over who said “I love you” first, the kind of love you hear about from grandparents who’ve sustained their relationship for over 50 years, the kind of love that makes you cross continents just to be with someone. No, I’ve never personally been in this kind of love…yet. But just because I’ve never been in love, doesn’t mean I haven’t been surrounded by it.

And when I say I’m surrounded by love, I’m not necessarily referring to seeing friends getting engaged, or sending my parents an anniversary card every year (HI MOM AND DAD!!!). I’m referring to the non-stereotypical, unromantic, and yet completely unconditional love that has helped to make my life complete. I’ve never said those three magic words, “I love you” to an SO, but I have said them to people who I do in fact love, and I think those three words hold just as much meaning whether they’re said romantically or not.

I know without a doubt that this romantic love is indescribably fantastic–I’ve seen it in my grandparents, in my parents, in the relationships that my friends and other family members have.  I’m sure that there are others who are both younger and older than me who have never truly had it, but that doesn’t make their life any less complete than those who have. Don’t assume that the absence of romantic love makes the presence of loneliness that much more apparent. I don’t feel empty because I’ve never loved someone romantically, I feel grateful because I have been lucky enough to have loved and be loved in so many other ways.

When romantic love has let me down, unromantic love has been there to pick me up. When a friend understands you better than you understand yourself, that’s love. When a parent endlessly supports your passions even when you question them, that’s love. When your sibling consoles your broken heart even if theirs is hurting too, that’s love. When your dog or cat rushes over to you, tail wagging after a long day, knowing just how to cheer you up with a sloppy lick of the face, that’s love. Y’all, my life is full of love, and while it may not be romantic, it’s whole.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t incredibly excited to feel those feels one day. I think anyone would be. Being in love is an amazing thing, it’s one of the things that drives us all.

But until that happens, I will cherish the love I do have in all the different ways it presents itself. 🙂

 

Stacked: A Single Libarian’s Search For Love (And Cookies)

If only I had a dime for every time (Hey! That rhymed!) someone made a sexy-librarian reference or joke towards me, I’d, well, I’d have enough money to eat my Frosted Flakes for dinner every night with the fancy silverware. When I accepted a life-long dream job with the library almost a year ago, my besties reminded me, half teasingly, half with encouragement, that it’s a position that still fulfills a certain classical fantasy.

My black cat-eye glasses and extensive cardigan literary tattoo collection probably doesn’t do the best job of dispelling the notion that I’m one Def Leppard guitar rift away from a tryst in the stacks, and damned if I can’t toss my hair and shush patrons with the best of them. *Correction: I don’t so much hair toss but rather blow my silly bangs out of my face and I am the farthest from a shusher. But don’t tell anyone! I have street cred to uphold. In my dream sequences most likely propelled by eating ice cream right before bed, a cutie walks up to the desk, my eyes meeting his over the spine of a novel. I’d be so taken aback by his ridiculously hot knowledge of all things Harry Potter that I would climb onto a Beauty and the Beast-esque ladder and sail towards destiny. Pour some sugar on me. But not really because holy stickiness, Batman.

Realistically though, the job is a little less romantic than that. I spend more time wiping down inexplicably sticky copies of text books that I do finding kindred spirits among the stacks, and I’m unlikely to go ga-ga over over patrons who need help Googling the answer to the question “Why is a hamburger called a hamburger? It’s, like, sooooo not ham.” Actual thing I had to do the other day. I soooo wish I was joking.

But in the down-time, when you’re resting on your elbows over the counter waiting for the next patron to approach, you do entertain those silly yet glossy possibilities. Just a little, teeny weeny, ittie, bittie bit. I mean, Chris Evans hasn’t walked into my library loaded down with books and angst…yet…but it could happen, right?

Potential gentleman callers should know, though, that we badass single librarians have our own set of great expectations (see what I did, there?) For instance: size absolutely matters. If I’m looking, I’m looking for a man’s man with an enormous…lexicon. My ideal guy boasts a giant library (or at the very least entertains the idea of reading to humor a girl) and he’s got enough literary experience that he doesn’t need directions once he gets in my stacks.

Library stacks, people. Get your dirty minds out of the gutter (but game respect game.)

Potential gentleman called needs to understand that yes, when I walk into a bookstore, I will most likely not be walking out without at least 4 5 10 books in tow. And that yes, I will point out all the differences in the film version of the book that we go see on date night, stewing over the parts they left out and changed. And that yes, when I’m in the throws of a great page-turner, that text/snap chat/Facebook message will go left unanswered until said great page-turner is done.

That’s just the way I jelly roll, ya dig?

“Single librarian” may be the thing to be. But pruient (thank you, word of the day calendar for that one) patrons, know this: if you don’t come to our desks with the readerly goods (and possibly cookies because YUM!) to back up those winks, your card probably isn’t getting stamped.

Your library cards, people. Gutter!

Being single in your 20’s is just a bunch of Hocus Pocus

The Sandersons really are my soul sisters from another mister. Not only are Winifred, Mary and Sarah spunky, fashion forward and down right bewitching (anyone that can ride around on a broomstick and still maintain perfect hair is a hero in my book) , but they really have nailed what it’s like to be a young adulting 20-something and single-ladying it.

Here are just some of the times the Sanderson sisters perfectly summed up being a single gal in her 20’s:

• When you catch that super cute office co-worker smiling at you from over your cubicle wall.

• When you go to your favorite coffee shop and that hot barista with the ridiculously amazing mony tail is taking your chocolate-frappe-shaken-not-stirred-caramel-pumpkin-spice-everything-mochiato-with-extra-whipped-cream order.

• When you wake up the next morning after the world’s worst date and you feel single AF.

• When you’re about to unmatch with someone on Tinder but then they turn around and surprise you with something witty to say, most likely involving or related to Harry Potter in some way.

• When you reluctantly (very reluctantly) agree to go on a blind date with your boss’s wife’s third cousin’s son.

• When someone tries a lame pickup line at a bar (“Want to go back to my place and check out my Dewey Decimal system? Really? Seriously?” and you’re having none of it. NONE.

• When your friends are unsure about that date you have with your boss’s wife’s third cousin’s son (turns out he is hawwwt!) but he looks like Chris Hemsworth so you go on a second date anyway.

• When you try to reach out to the person you ghosted on a few weeks ago.

• When you are trying to pump yourself up for a big date night.

• When your besties are in fact, the worst wingwomen in the history of ever.

• When you take an Uber home from a night out but you’re a littttttle too drunk to handle it.

• When you run into your ex and their new GF.

• When you get super dupes excited about someone you just started seeing and your friends try in vain to pump the brakes and ground you a little.

• When you have to unfortunately (but fortunate for you) break the news to your date that there won’t be a second mini golf and fro-yo outing. *Although you seriously considered it just for the min golf and fro-yo because, well, MINI GOLF AND FRO-YO!

• When you and your best friends wake up after a night out and don’t really remember how you got home or why you’re missing a shoe.

• When yet another high school/college friend gets engaged.

• When McSteamy walks into a bar and you and your friends all want a chance with them.

• When you finally, FINALLY meet someone and they’re nice? And funny?? And charming and sweet and gorgeous as ever???? WITCHCRAFT.

Thoughts that every girl has on a first date

Let’s talk dating, guys.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but just thinking about it makes me break out into a glistening sweat. Dating in general can be weird. And awesome. And nerve-wracking. And awful. And pretty much the best thing ever. And first dates?! Psh. They’re a whole other beast.

A weird and awesome and nerve-wracking and awful and best-thing-ever beast. I think we’ve all been there before. We’ve all had that one first date that makes you want to crawl into your bookfort and never, ever leave again. And we’ve also had that one first date that makes you ridiculously and annoyingly school-girl-crushy. That one first date that gives you hope, gives you just all of the butterflies pterodactyls, and makes you think that maybe, just maybe, this dating thang isn’t so bad.

First dates are arguably one of the most unique (read: awkward) experiences we will ever encounter, each complete with their own set of highs and lows, failures and successes. Here are just some of the many thoughts that will likely pass through your mind the next time you find yourself across the table from a complete stranger who you met on Sizzl. (Yes, we now have a dating app for bacon lovers. This is a thing. An actual thing. And I kind of love it.)

• It’s 7:03. Does three minutes constitute as fashionably late?
• Crap. This place looks really fancy. I’m underdressed.
• No, it’s cool. I’ll look chill, like I just threw this on and looked effortlessly fabulous.
• 7:06. All right, cover me. I’m going in.
• He’s cute, from all the way over here at least.
• He doesn’t look like a serial killer.

•  He’s already sitting. Dammit! I needed to analyze his height compared to mine!
• Handshake? Hug? Kiss on the cheek? SOS!
• Why am I so awkward? Like, I am the most awkward person ever. I should just go ahead and apologize to my date right now.
• I’ve forgotten how to speak.
• Say anything.
• ANYTHING!

• The weather? Really? That’s the best you could do?
• Wait. It’s okay. He’s smiling. Just breathe.
• You know what? He’s actually cuter in person. That’s an unexpected bonus I will gladly take.

• Okay. Let’s cover the basics: work, hometown, college attended, siblings, favorite way to eat an Oreo.
• Just pretend you don’t already know everything about him from stalking his social media. Act surprised!
• Yep. Nope. Definitely acted too surprised.
• Oh thank God the waitress is here. Saved by the menu!
• I’ll have everything in the “snacks” section. Self-control!

• Umm, yes I’ll split the fries! I thought you’d never ask. #soulmates
• This is going well.
• Does he think it’s going well?
• We’ve hardly had any awkward pauses.
• Am I talking too much?
• OMG he hates me.
• Oh phew. The food’s here. Try not to look too excited.
• Yep. Nope. Definitely looked too excited.

• Okay, it’s really hard to eat and avoid lulls in the conversation at the same time.
• What if I’m an ugly eater?
• I kind of have to pee.
• Yep. Nope. I really have to pee!
• DAMMIT WHY DID I WEAR A ROMPER??!!
• I’m just going to hold it.
• This dude’s pretty funny.
• Wait, was that a joke? I don’t want to laugh if he was serious, and I can’t not laugh if he’s trying to be funny.
• So the obvious solution is to make a creepy half-snort/half-grunt. Nice, Wendi. Nice.

• Great! He’s going to the bathroom. Now, I can check my phone and actually eat my food in peace.
• Wow! We survived made it through an hour already.
• Selfie check! I still look cute.

• Has he been in the bathroom a while?
• Maybe he has stomach issues? Or he’s climbing out the window?
• Crap! He’s coming back. Don’t stare!
• Hopefully he doesn’t notice I just shoved my face while he was gone.
• Another drink? YAASSSS.

• Is he playing footsie with me? Nope. That’s the guy at the table next to us. Cool.
• I do think he’s flirting though. He’s laughing at all of my jokes. I’m not that funny.
• Wait. What am I talking about? I’m fricking hilarious!
• I kind of like this guy. But who am I to say, really? I def have to debrief w/ my BFF (and mom) later.
• Oh shit! The bill. Dun, dun, dun.
• Let me grab my purse and at least try to pay.
• No, no, no. He just spent way too much money on me!
• Awe!! But it was really sweet. Crap.
• And he wants to drive/walk me home? SO STINKIN’ SWEET! CRAPPPP!
• I really do like him!
• We’re getting really close to my building. What’s it gonna be??
• Just be cool, Wendi. Stop doing that awkward thing you do with your hands and feet and just follow his lead.
• There’s not even a name for the part of my face he kissed. Somewhere in the no man’s land between my cheek and my lips. Yep. That just happened.

• Did he really mean “Let’s do this again soon”?
• Going home and NOT recounting every last minute of this glorious night to my roomie dog while I wait for his text.
• Yep. Nope. I totally am!!!

What to expect when you’re…dating a grammar nerd

I’m not even going to lie, guys.

I’m a grammar nerd to the max.

Like, it’s really, REALLY bad.

But it’s really, REALLY bad in a good way.

We grammar nerds are a very rare (and awesomely awesome) breed, and I’m not just saying that because I’m biased.

Nope. I’m totally just saying that because I’m biased.

I may be breaking all sorts of nerd code rules here, but I thought I’d share with you all what to expect when you’re dating a said grammar nerd (besides dating the most ridiculously amazing person in the history of eve that is, because duh).

1. Avoid sending texts like luv u. It will make everything horrible.
2. If you ever give them an eloquent, handwritten card (which you should do!!) along with a gift, they’ll most likely be so preoccupied with the beautiful card that they’ll forget there’s a second part of the present.
3. If they tweet something that has a mistake in it, you better believe they will delete it and repost the whole thing over again. Thank God for that Facebook and Instagram allow for edits. Twitter, up your game, bruh!
4. They’re not proud of it. They don’t necessarily consider  having an OCD-level obsession with grammar to be any sort of accomplishment. It’s more like an inconvenient personality flaw that drives them crazy, because spelling mistakes CANNOT BE DEFEATED.
5. The image of you sitting on the couch and casually reading a book will get them going in a way that they cannot explain.
6. Even back in the day, they usually spelled everything out on AIM. While most of their friends abbreviated every word possible while chatting it up after Survivor was over, they were not about that life.
7. So even if their crush messaged them with, “Hey wutz ^,” they were initially so distraught by the grammar to celebrate such an incredible moment in time.
8. And while we’re reminiscing, nothing was more thrilling for a middle-school grammar nerd than that of finding a grammatical error in a textbook. #holygrail
9. Autocorrect is simultaneously their savior and the bane of their existence. No, they are not ducking excited. But it’s too late to ANYTHING about it. The damage is done.
10. When it comes to TV shows and movies, they were— and still are—always attracted to the nerdy person that the main character isn’t supposed to notice until the end. Helllllooooo, Gordo.
11. They have physical reactions (read: cringing, recoiling, light vomit-in-the-mouth action) to words like “irregardless”. No. Just no.
12. Don’t bring up the Oxford comma if you’re not a fan. They will fight you.
13. Apostrophes are a dangerous game. Tread lightly.
14. Their fears include: typos and death. In that order.
15. They will use semi-colons on their text messages. Just embrace the pretentiousness. They’re well-aware that it’s annoying.
16. They’re already debating what age their nonexistent children will be when they introduce them to Harry Potter. Answer: Fetus.
17. They have a very hard time not judging coworkers based on how their emails are written. They know it’s a bad habit. They’re trying to quit. But what are they supposed to do when their boss emails them something that says, “Can u check the status of the report I need to no what the next steps are thx for looking into it.” They should just quit, right? Quitting is the only option, here?
18. They are very emotional when it comes to they’re, their, there and you’re and your, and it’s and its. Like, John Green-level emotional.
19. If you’re ever unsure of what their favorite subject was in school, just assume it was English.
20. Their very concerned with making sure that every email they send out is flawless.
21. If they read this post, the incorrect spelling of their in #20 will give them a heart attack.

Now go! Go forth and prosper, my friends!

But try to keep what I’m just said in the vault. I’ve got buckos street cred on the line here.