When You Want To Be Scared, But Not Really

Do you like scary movies?

Hellllll to the no!

Confession: I used to love horror movies! Well, maybe not love per say, but I could at least handle them. And okay yes I was under a blanket the whole time or hidden behind a giant throw pillow avoiding the…well, actually, nope. I have never been a fan of scary movies. TBH, they freak the beans out of me. Even now, I can’t watch horror movie trailers without getting the serious shivers up and down my spine. It’s bad, guys.

If this is you watching scary movies (It’s me. Oh it’s definitely me.)…

…but you still want to get a little bit scared and enjoy the Halloweeny season with some frightishly awesome films, I’ve got some suggestions that won’t keep you up at night. For too long. Don’t worry, ladies and gents. I got yo’ back!

Hocus Pocus

Hocus Pocus is most definitely a movie for kids, but the nostalgia factor for those who grew up watching it (me, me MEEE!!!) makes it a Halloween necessity. The Sanderson sisters are HIL-arious and kind of my spirit animals witches. There are rumors that a sequel is in the works, which I couldn’t be more excited about! As long as the cast remains the same. There’s nothing more terrifying than a bad remake or sequel of a movie.

The Addams Family

The perfectly cast movie adaptation of the classic TV show makes for some super dupes great family-friendly viewing around Halloween, especially since there are enough jokes in here to keep the grown-ups entertained. You could also watch Addams Family Values, too, but that’s best saved for Thanksgiving time.

Beetlejuice

Scary only in the most cartoonish, Tim Burton–ish sort of way, Beetlejuice sets the perfect tone for Halloween without specifically being a Halloween movie. Also, Michael Keaton is a national treasure.

Casper

Is it weird to have a forever and always hardcore crush on a ghost? It’s kind of weird, right? I still remember when Casper first came out. My ten-year old self (and every girl on the planet with a pulse) was in love with Casper, real boy version. That scene where he’s dancing with Kat and kisses her?!?! Oofta. Talk about a panty dropper!

Coraline

Based on the book by Neil Gaiman (one of my favorite books by Gaiman is American Gods–if you haven’t read it, check it out!! Pun intended), Coraline is a beautifully animated stop-motion movie about a girl who finds an enticing but dangerous parallel world in the house her family just moved into. Don’t let the whimsy fool you, though: This one gets a little spooky at points.

ParaNorman

ParaNorman comes from the same studio that made Coraline, and the animation is just as gorgeous this time around. There are tense moments in ParaNorman, but ultimately the monsters are less scary and more sympathetic.

Ghostbusters

When there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call? Two words: Bill Murray.

It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!

I have a soft spot for anything and everything Charlie Brown. I’m pretty sure there’s a Charlie Brown special for almost every holiday, and Halloween is no exception. If you want something with absolutely zero scares, you won’t be disappointed with It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Or, at least you’ll be less disappointed than Linus is every year.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

The greatest quandary in life is this: Do I watch The Nightmare Before Christmas at Halloween or at Christmas? The easy answer is to just do both.

The Witches

I’m getting really real with you guys here: This movie terrified me as a kid! TERR.I.FIED! I love me some Roald Dahl, don’t get me wrong, but he could get scary and grotesque y’all!! And also a little intense at times. Still, the movie is kid-friendly enough to work for families or those who would prefer to not have nightmares (me, me, MEEE!!! thank you very much.).

Young Frankenstein

One of Mel Brooks’s greatest comedies is also a great Halloween movie for the horror-averse. Is there anything scary about Frankenstein’s monster singing “Puttin’ On the Ritz”? Yeah, not so much.

Now go forth my dear friends, and get scared this Halloween! But not really.

Fall is Undeniabley Better Than Summer…And Here’s Why

Yesterday when I woke up, there was frost on my car windows, y’all. Frost! In August!

And as weird as it sounds, I actually couldn’t have been more excited. After a long and very hot summer, I’ve been jonsin’ for cooler temps, fuzzy sweaters, and pumpkin spice anything and everything (I know. I’m one of those). Fall has definitely been and probably will always be my all-time favorite season. The changing of the leaves, the crispness of the air, and the reintroduction of sweatpants into my life makes me tres happy. Any excuse not to have to shave my legs is a great excuse in my book.

Here are some other reasons why fall is undeniably better than summer:

1. So many crunchy leaves! It’s probably a little concerning how cathartic stepping on a perfectly crunchy leaf is. Like, Hey! Look at this beautiful piece of nature! LEMME GO OUT OF MY WAY TO STEP ON IT. Oh well. Can’t stop, won’t stop.
2. The seasonal foods and beverages return. This isn’t some love letter to the pumpkin spice latte. However, so many other yummy treats are returning to your life in the best of ways. Like pumpkin bread. I’m a little bit in love with pumpkin bread.
3. The month of October. There’s a reason everyone recommends traveling in October. The weather’s agreeable pretty much everywhere, and did I mention how pretty the Earth is for that miraculous month??? LOOK AT IT.
4. Halloween! You don’t have to go trick-or-treating to love Halloween. It’s great. There’s candy. Costumes. Jack-O-Lanterns. And….
5. Disney Channel movies!!! The ’13 Nights of Halloween’ special on Disney Channel is a special kind of miracle. Hocus Pocus, Halloweentown, Tower of Terror, Hocus Pocus… If I could summarize my childhood in one month of movies, this would be it.
6. It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Yep. Everything about this.

7. Beach season is over! I’m a full supporter that every body is a “beach body” simply because it’s a body and it’s on the beach. However, it’s nice to move past those hot months with their side of body shaming to the chill months of sweaters and scarves.

8. SWEATER WEATHER. Literally everyone looks great in a sweater, and they’re so comfortable! Brb, taking a nap standing up because I’m just that cozy all the time in my sweater.

9. TV shows are finally returning! We’ve been waiting in agony for MONTHS to find out what’s happening on How To Get Away With Murder and with fall comes all the TV. I’VE MISSED YOU, SHONDA.

10. Corn mazes are surprisingly fun. It seems like the ultimate cliche of autumn, buuuuuut they’re fun. I’ll admit it. Especially when you get to end the maze fun with hot chocolate. And pumpkin bread.

11. ‘Fall’ as a verb is immensely better than ‘summer.’ I can’t be the only one that gets superiorly annoyed whenever someone mentions that they’re “summering” somewhere. It’s fine to say you’re going on a vacation, but summering? Really? Can you not please? Ten more points for Gryffindor fall.

Happy Halloween!!!!!

Hey guys!!!

Happy Halloween!

I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I’m headed over to my office’s chili-cook-off (which I am SO going to win, btw! I entered my famous white-bean chicken chili and it is off the chang, yo!). In addition to the chili-cook-off, we also had an office-wide costume contest where I am happy to report I took home second place (despite the fact that hardly anyone knew who/what I was).

Halloween? We dress like this every day at the office. I’m the one in black next to Batman (girl) and the social butterfly (how awesome is that idea by the way?!)

If you can correctly guess my costume, you will get a high-five and fist bump and I will personally send you a cupcake. Okay, maybe not an actual cupcake but I will send you a picture of me eating said cupcake.

Hope you have a fantabulous, fun, safe and candy-filled Halloween 🙂

Thoughts on a Thursday

1. At 11:30 this morning I realized that I had my skivvies on inside out. It is now almost 2 o’clock and they are still inside out. Starting a new fashion trend or just plain lazy? Much like how many licks it takes to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

2. Nothing says “I’m a single gal” like a frozen waffle box in the bathroom trash can. Not me, of course. Because that would just be silly hahahaha. Okay. It’s me.

3. I fully intend on being “that house” or in my case, “that apartment” that all of the kids trick-or-treating will want to come back to because a) my costume is going to be ALL of the best (I’m SOOOOOO excited!!!) and b) I am giving out king sized candy bars. Players gonna play, play, play, play and the dentists gonna hate, hate, hate, hate.

4. Because sometimes, we just have to jump.

5. One of my bestest friends in the whole wide world planet universe just landed a new job and I couldn’t be more proud/excited/happy for him! Alex, this is just the start of something amazing for you and I for one can’t wait to see what else God has in store for you. 🙂

6. Speaking of my friend Alex, he reminded me today that even though it may be hard, even though it may be frustrating and confusing and down-right ugh-worthy sometimes, we have to remember that everything is being done according to the big guy upstairs’ timing (which is perfect, by the way, no matter what we think otherwise). We just have to have a little bit of hope and a lot a bit of faith.

7. And I’m certain that God has in his timing for me to devour this delicious chocolate-chip cookie right meow.

Have a great Thursday, everybody!

How to Survive a Horror Movie

 “Do you like scary movies?”

A question so infamously asked by the creepy masked killer in the Scream movies. I remember when the first of the hit horror flick series came out. I was about ten years old and a bunch of my friends decided it would be fun to get together on Halloween, post trick-or-treating of course, to watch it….aka burry our faces under the blankets for the majority of the film while screaming like lunatics. Now whenever I watch it, I can’t help but laugh at the silliness of it all, but back then, I was seriously terrified out of my bean.

I have never been a big fan of scary movies; films such as Cujo, It, The Shining, The Ring, Halloween, The Exorcist and Nightmare on Elm Street (among a host of others) still to this day give me a serious case of the heeby-jeebies. The blood and the gore I can do without for sure, although there is something about being taken on psychological thrill ride that is exciting and gets the heart pumping. Take for instance films like Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds or Psycho. These movies didn’t have monsters or zombies, ghosts or goblins, they had real characters with potentially real problems which made it all the more scary. The plot and story lines of each of these films got into your mind and made you think, made you wonder if something like this could actually happen. Hitchcock was a pure genius, one of the first of his kind at mastering the suspense thriller and if you haven’t seen any of his films and are looking for a good Halloween activity this coming weekend, I suggest you check out some his greatest work (although keep a blanket handy for any face-hiding instances that are sure to pop up). Some of my other fav’s include Jaws (I was afraid to even swim in a pool after that one), Seven, The Sixth Sense, The Others and Shutter Island.

Suspense thrillers are my go-to when it comes to scary movies, but the classic blood/gory/monster/thrasher movie still has a high ranking in people’s lists of favorite things to partake in, especially on or near Halloween.  There is just something about being scared that almost feels good, an adrenaline rush of sorts. Even though we know that the vampires and werewolves are fake, that the monsters and demons will all go away after an hour and a half when the credits start rolling, it still makes us jittery and sends our hands up over our eyes. Of course with these kinds of movies, there is always a common thread that seems to permeate through all of them; if you’ve seen one, then you can basically say you’ve seen them all. For one, there is always a monster/killer/ghost of some sort looking to reek havoc on an unsuspecting town or group of people. Secondly, this said group of people are almost always young, hot, and not the brightest bulbs in the package. Thirdly, there will probably be a good deal of running away from the monster/killer/ghost, trying to kill the monster/killer/ghost, getting killed by the monster/killer/ghost or actually killing the monster/killer/ghost only to discover he/she/it is not actually dead (Did you ever wonder why there were 11 Halloween movies? Seriously. Will Michael Myers ever die?). If you know and understand this formula, then you have a higher probability of surviving a horror movie.

So…if you ever find yourself eating Jiffy Pop and talking to strange masked men on the phone, or are in a massive hotel that is plagued with demons and ghosts, here are some tips to help you get out J-E-L-L-O alive.

1. First, never say that you will be right back because there is a good chance you won’t be, especially if you say you will. Similarily, never say, “Who’s there?” or  publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It almost always guarantees that you will have no future.

2. Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery in it, a tank full of gas, and locks that work in crucial times when you might need a quick get-away.

3. When you’re searching a house because you think there might be something creepy or dangerous  in it, for goodness sakes turn the lights on!

4. If you’re running from a monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are wearing high heels and a short skirt (sorry girls). Also note that despite the fact that you are running at your high school track and field speed and the monster is merely bumbling along, the magic of movies says that it will catch up to you.

5. For the most part, the hotter you are, the more likely you are to bite the dust. I would recommend mom jeans, turtleneck sweaters and mullets.

6. Don’t fool around with recumbent DNA technology unless you know what you are doing.

7. If you find a deserted town, it is probably like that for a reason. Stay away.

8. Never read or even take a gander at a book of demon summoning. You are just asking for trouble.

9. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that it was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, call your realtor immediately!

10. Always check the back seat of your car.

11. If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.

12. Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.

13.Nothing is ever over if it is still night-time.

14.When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead (see above). It almost always isn’t.

15. It’s a good idea never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

16. Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine (thank you, Stephen King).

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possibly deathly) device. Chances are, they are not just your friendly handy-man looking to help out.

18. Never watch a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie.

19. Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

And most importantly…

20. If you find Brad Pitt dressed as a vampire, don’t forget to forward him my email address! wjhansen87@aol.com

I hope you found these tips useful if and when you ever happen to find yourself in a flesh-eating zombie or psycho killer situation. You never know, a trip to the grocery store could turn into a fright-fest (don’t get me started on the lady who was giving me death-eyes for taking the last jar of tomato sauce…eek!).

Happy Halloweeny hump day guys!