My Awesomely Random Life (and Everything in Between)

A Favorite Feeling

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I don’t have

a favorite moment.

I have a favorite feeling.

 

It’s no alarm clock,

tangled limbs in sheets,

curtains dancing with an open window.

 

It’s the smell of fresh coffee,

bare feet on blades of grass,

the familiar pages of a favorite novel.

 

It’s lyrics playing loud on vinyl,

skinny dipping at 2am,

conversations on

the kitchen floor

with your walls turned down.

 

It’s being held by silence,

and seen in complete and utter wholeness.

 

It’s in the

undeniable pull,

the infectious laughter and shared smiles.

 

It’s in a sea of stares,

finding your eyes,

saying without any hesitation,

“I choose you.”

 

For now.

For always.

“I choose you.”

 

 

 

 

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As a 29-year-old single woman I’m pretty much living in the thickest part of the modern dating/hookup culture – perfecting the art of getting the right guy to buy you Lemon Drop shots at a bar, crafting the perfect response to a text to make you seem just interested enough (but not too interested), taking the proper five seconds to adequately judge a person and determine whether or not to swipe left or right. Yep. That’s the world I live in now, and if I’m being 110% honest with you guys: I hate it with every fiber of my being.
Maybe it’s because I let insignificant events ruminate in my mind far past their welcome. Or maybe it’s because I sometimes have the tendency to react too sensitively to the people with whom I share the world with. Or maybe the modern dating scene is just horrendously f’ed up. It’s probably all three, but in the interest of, well, maintaining your interest, let’s just talk about that third observation.

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been in any sort of relationship (one worth talking about anywhoozles), but when I was, it seemed that I always heard people complain about the single life pretty much on the regular. Stories from my friends, articles on the Internet, anything popular on TV, everywhere. But it wasn’t until I began to experience it for myself (and oh have I!) that I truly understood what everyone was complaining about. Everything is so damn complicated. Nobody asks you out on a date; they just ask you to “hang out” – so after you do, you can spend the next three days that you’re supposed to be ignoring them wondering exactly what it meant. Did you see a movie? Go to dinner? Make out in your car? Fly to Paris and get drunk under the Eiffel Tower? Be careful; y’all were just hanging out. This means that we’re dating, right? We’re totally dating. Or are we? I wonder what he’s thinking? Did our mutual shared respect of Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool over our mutually shared tub of popcorn and Milk Duds mean nothing to him?!

I have a simple solution for those of you who struggle with these haunting questions: ask the other person. Oh wait, you can’t. Hahahahaha. And here’s why.

We live in a world where people are afraid to feel anything genuine, or at the very least, are afraid to show it. When someone is angry with you, there’s no phone call asking to talk about it. Instead you get a passive aggressive response to a text message or a suspiciously relevant subtweet, quietly calling you out in 140 characters or less. If you like someone, you don’t tell them how you feel; rather you act interested enough for them to pick up on it, but not enough to freak them out. Don’t like it? Too bad. It’s all a big game and if you don’t play by the rules then you lose, and if you lose you end up alone and drowning in a pile of your own insecurity (and Ben & Jerry’s), wondering what you did wrong.
Don’t ask to hangout two nights in a row. If you texted first last time, you have to wait for him to text you first this time. Don’t double text. You can’t assume anything is more than casual. And you can’t talk about it either. If you’re wondering where a relationship is going and you decide to bring it up, every word you say has to be carefully chosen so as to seem okay with any response you’re given, even if you’re not. Thinking about picking up your phone to call someone? That’s crazy sauce! All modern communicado is done through text, emojis and/or GIFs. ONLY.

Everything is calculated to appear thoughtless, and it is one of the most exhausting games I’ve ever had to play–and I once had an epic 6-hour Monopoly fest! I could earn a second masters degree with the amount of time and energy it takes to determine whether or not my casual fling/hangout/quasi relationship thingamajig actually has feelings for me.

If I like someone, I want to hang out with him. It’s as simple as that. Or at least it should be. But in the dating culture to which we are enslaved, it has to be more convoluted than that. If I talk to him too much, I’m needy. If I’m always free when he asks me to hangout, I’m clingy and have no life of my own. If he takes three hours to respond to my text, and my phone is in my hand when I get his reply, I have to wait to answer so I don’t seem too eager. And I am constantly wondering why I play these stupid games.

I am so tired of living in a world where apathy is more effective in getting someone’s attention than honesty. I’m tired of the manipulative games that men and women play with one another in an effort to maintain control in a relationship that we’re not allowed to define.

So here’s my idea, friends: let’s all stop being little f’s! Respect other people enough to tell them the truth. If someone makes you happy, tell them. If someone inspires you, tell them. If you’re not interested in someone, please just for f’ing f’s sake tell them. Don’t ignore people until they disappear. It’s time we grow up and stop leaving people hanging with unanswered texts and cryptic social media posts. Everyone is human and we’re all just trying to understand one another in this messy dating world, so stop treating a relationship of any kind like it’s a challenge to complete.

Be honest with other people about how you feel, and don’t get so lost in playing the game that you forget to extend that same courtesy to yourself.

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The heart’s vulnerability.

It’s saying I love you.

It’s making the first move.

It’s being the first to say I’m sorry.

 

It’s the hard conversations,

the pauses between words,

it’s putting our hearts back out to mend after the hurt.

 

It’s taking chances,

leaning into the unknown,

the investment without knowing the return.

 

It’s accepting the fear but doing it anyway.

It’s the learning, the growing, the yes’s and the no’s.

It’s about dreaming big, dreaming hard and dreaming often.

 

It’s the laughs,

the smiles,

the late-night conversations that turn into early morning memories.

 

It’s the it’s and the is’s which life is all about.

It’s realizing that life is blemished,

broken at times

then glued back together.

Yet while imperfect,

it’s still earth-shatteringly beautiful.

 

Life….

is love.

And love…

is you.

 

 

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The thing about El Taco Veloz, one of the most kickass taco places in Denver and probably the world, is that though they have some of the most kickass tacos known to mankind, they also have a not so kickass restroom setup.

It’s not as bad as the one in my favorite Starbucks around the corner from my apartment. The one that has the automatic light that seems to always turn off right in the middle of doing your thing. Or automatic flusher that has a mind of its own. Or the automatic sink that makes you perform a song and dance number in order for it to work. (Note to all establishments: automatic is not always the best way. Just Saying.)

But, El Taco Veloz does only have one toilet for both men and women which is kind of a major drawback.

And apparently, a very unreliable lock.

Y’all, I had to go. I couldn’t wait. Two #2’s (pun intended) with extra hot sauce and it was time to make a very necessary trip.

Against probably my better judgement, I rushed into the shady bathroom. The first thing I noticed was that there weren’t any seat covers (gross-level 10) and decided that the countless wall sits during JV track practice had prepared me well for this very moment.

So I did what many women have done before me and many will continue to do long after I am gone…I squatted. That’s right.

And it was during that not-so-lady-like hover above the El Taco Veloz toilet that I heard a knock at the door.

Seeing that I was midstream and knowing full well that I did indeed twist the little button on the knob, I knew I didn’t really need to say anything because the door would not open for the person on the other end.

And of course, it was at that very moment, mid-hover, that the door flew open and a kind-looking, middle-aged gentleman, with wisdom and shock etched into his face, walked in.

“Whoops! So sorry!” were the exact words that came out of my mouth as I gave up my hover and planted my bare buns on the taco toilet seat in an effort to recover any amount of pride I had left.
Yes.
I had just apologized to the man that walked in on me mid-stream.

As I walked out of the restroom, once the dust had settled, and the man had repeatedly told me, “I didn’t see anything! I’m so sorry. I swear I didn’t see anything!” (which only reassured in my mind that he did, in fact, see something) I wondered why my initial reaction was to apologize.

And why my initial reaction in ANY situation, is ALWAYS to apologize.

In this instance, I suppose it was okay. I should’ve said something when he knocked. So I’ll let myself slide on this one.

But the other day, I apologized to my couch because I accidentally ran into it.

The thing is, I’m always saying sorry.

I’m the first to apologize in an argument even if I’m not the one at fault.

I’m always the first to concede…even to my own problems.

I could be crying from the worry and stress of a new job (and just the overwhelming weight of life sometimes) and then tell the person comforting me, usually my sister, or best friends, or mom, that I’m sorry that I’m sad.

And being the sage that they all are, they’ll tell me, “Don’t be sorry for how you feel.”

Because that’s exactly what I do. I feel sorry for feeling.
For being upset or hurt or worried or scared or even proud.
And that’s just ludicrous, I tell you! Ludicrous! (Not the rapper.)

So I’m done.

I’m done saying sorry for feeling the way I feel.

For conceding when and where I don’t have to.

There’s a reason I have those feelings and they shouldn’t just be “sorry’d” away.

Instead of being sorry, I’m going to start being sure.

Sure of my abilities. Sure of my gut instinct. Sure of my purpose.

Just sure of myself.

I’m going to stop sorrying away my problems, but instead face them.

Confront them.

DO something about them.

And maybe next time I’ll double-check the lock on the bathroom door.

29 in 29

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The questioning, the learning, the mistakes, the discovery and frustrations—It has been a wild ride so far, guys!

But many, many life lessons later, I can wholeheartedly say I have never felt more comfortable being who I am today.I wake up excited to get my breakfast on! Well, that, and to experience what each day has to offer: to continue to learn something new, to be inspired, and to experience the awe that this amazing life has to give.

Today, I turn the big 2-9. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around that one!

So in celebration of this last year as I come close to bowing out of my 20’s, here are 29 Life Lessons that I’ve learned:

1. Learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Risks are where magic sparks, y’all.

2. Laugh. Play. Be … Love, love, love!

3. Be patient with yourself. All the quirks, the uncertainties, the aspects that make you different; they’ll come together, support you, and may even become your biggest asset.

4. No matter how many times you may think it’s okay to eat ice cream for breakfast, it is. It always is.

5. Most things that seem impossible actually aren’t. If you’d asked me three years ago if I thought I would be living in one of the greatest cities, doing something I love, surrounded by the best group of friends a girl could ever ask for, I’d probably LOL in your face. Sometimes taking a chance, a giant leap of faith and just going for it, despite whatever fears or apprehension you may have is the best and only thing to do. Always keep going after your dreams and don’t limit yourself.

6. Confidence comes from within. This is a really tough concept to understand when you’re younger, since it always feels like we’re waiting on other people to continuously boost our confidence levels and tell us we’re on the right track. But the most confident people are confident not just because others believe in them, but because they believe in themselves.

7. If you don’t even try, you’ll never have a chance at succeeding. I used to be one of those people who didn’t want to try anything new because I was afraid I’d fail at it. This fear held me back for a long time in all areas of my life, including my career and my relationships. Luckily, after a lot of soul searching, I realized that this was no way to live. No way, no how sista! Yes, trying new things is scary as hell. And yes, you might actually fail at times. But you also might succeed, or at least learn something important along the way. The risk is worth it.

8. Experiences are way more important than stuff. I’ll be forever grateful to my parents who were always focused on giving me memories and experiences rather than just a bunch of crap I didn’t need.

9. Read everything you can get your hands on. Sci-Fi books. Fiction. Poetry and motivational books. There are SO many good books out there, and they will all change you if you let them.

10. Being “cool” sucks. You should never stop doing or liking something just because you think others will judge you and think it’s uncool. Set your own standard of cool!

11. Love is a battlefield. But one that is worth fighting for. Always.

12. Failure doesn’t mean the world is going to explode. Part of the reason I used to be so scared of trying new things is that I was so incredibly afraid of failure. I really thought if I didn’t succeed, the world would end. I now know that’s (obviously) not the case, but it doesn’t mean that failure doesn’t feel like all of the worst at times. But can you imagine a life with no failure?! How boring that would be?

13. You will never learn how to successfully fold a fitted sheet. It’s best to just accept defeat now.

14. Be silly. Be kind. Be unapologetically you.

15. You will struggle to define many things in your life, but in time you will realize that the real meaning of life is in the journey, not in the definitions or the explanations.

16. Dream big. Don’t let your own or others’ limitations hold you back from going after what you really want. Following your dreams is scary, but living a life full of regrets is even scarier. Dream big and hustle hard. There’s really no other way to live.

17. Invest in a few good friends, they will always be your backbone and the ones you go to through thick and thin, and who will make your every days just a little (or a lot) more bright. To all of my friends (you know who you are), a million times thank you!

18. At times you will wonder why bad things are happening to you, quit wondering and start enjoying the little things in life, when you get your answers, you will understand that these bad times were shaping you into the person you should be. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.

19. If nothing is going your way, put in some Hanson and rock out with your bad self.

20. You will struggle to let go of someone, but you will realize that holding on is worse. Either way you have to learn how to let go of things that are not meant for you.

21. Something will always scare you, even the things you wished for. Don’t let fear cripple you from living the life you wanted. Let fear walk with you until it finds its own way.

22. It’s okay to say no. Except when it’s the answer to the question, “Would you like dessert?”

23. It’s OK to be guarded, but don’t deny or run away from love just because you’ve been hurt in the past. We all have. And it is scary to put yourself out there after that happens. But I promise you: you will never regret taking a chance on love.

24. The Brewers will probably, most likely, definitely not be going to the World Series anytime soon, so sit back, relax, and enjoy being a part of something that’s bigger than you. Everyone goes through a growth spurt, even the major leaguers.

25. No matter how much progress you make, there will always be someone who thinks you are not good enough. Live to prove things to yourself, not others.

26. Forgiving someone is not weakness; holding onto hate is.

27. You may not always get what you want in life, but sometimes this could be a blessing and a sign to steer yourself in another direction better than the one you were on.

28. Yoga pants aren’t just a fashion trend, they’re a way of life.

29. And last but certainly not least, don’t give up. Ever. Someone once said it’s always the last key on the key ring that opens the door. It may take a few tries (or more than a few), but you’ll get there. I pinky-swear.

 

 

Adulting 101

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Y’all, I am about to turn the big 2-9 which means I have been “adulting” for a good 10ish+ years or so. I say “adulting” because I would, for the most part consider myself an adequate at best adulting adult. I pay my own bills, live on my own, know how to change the oil in my car, and know how to make a mean lasagna. Impressive, I know.

Through every stage of life, right up until these formidable adulting years, we dream of becoming an adult.

We can’t wait until we can slam back Lemon Drop shots on our 21st, until we can eat ice cream for dinner (or breakfast, no judging), until we can live on our own, until we can get married and have kids. We can’t wait until we have say over our lives.

We wait, wait, wait for that moment. And then wait some more.

But then one day, we wake up on a random Tuesday morning and holy hell, we’re there.

Adulthood.

After all of those years of waiting and hoping and dreaming, we finally made it, guys!

But what no one ever tells you growing up is that once you’re there, a full-fledged adult, you are instantly thrust into a world that is unfamiliar, complicated and so damn confusing. Sure, you can have as many of those Lemon Drop shots, shots, shots as you or your liver see fit, you can stay up to all hours of the night binge watching House of Cards, you can have ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and walk around your OWN apartment in your underwear in you want.

But you also have to actually start doing adulty things, things that you never really had to worry about before. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t spend a good majority of my early 20’s wondering what a 401K was, avoiding doing my laundry like it was the plague and considering a bowl (or three) of Frosted Flakes as a 5-star gourmet meal.  But with age, comes wisdom (and better hair choices), and I can confidently say that I’ve become a better adulting adult.

Here are just a few ways that you can tell that you’re doing this adulting thing pretty alright:

1. You’re Excited To Go Home…To Do Nothing

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of barhopping with my girls, but most days, all that’s keeping me going is the thought of going home, curling up in bed and re-binging Parks and Recreation on Netflix all by myself, and I’m perfectly content with that.

2. You’re Becoming More Responsible With Your Money

When I got my tax refund, the first thing I did was pay off some of my student loans, deposit money into my savings account, and pay off my credit card bill (damn you, Christmas 2015). I couldn’t believe it. The worst part was that it actually made me happy. Who knew being responsible could bring so much joy. I also found out about Credit Card Insider recently, which is a really helpful resource for understanding how credit cards and credit scores work.

3. Dating Is No Longer A Pastime

I can’t numerate the amount of times I’ve watched movies where an older female character complains about how she “hates dating” and couldn’t bother with “starting over with someone new” and just wanted to “skip to being an actual relationship”. Whenever I heard this, I would hardcore roll my eyes and call them liars because dating is way too much fun! You meet so many new and different people and get to have loads of exciting fun with all of them and usually end up eating just all of the delicious food. But the older I’m getting, the less I’m looking for someone new to add to my rotation and the more I’m realizing that time spent working toward something of actual substance may be a better idea.

4. You’re Selective With Your Choosing Of Friends

Who you’re dating is important, but the people you’re friends with is just as important, maybe even more so. They say it’s hard to make friends in your adult years and I think that’s because the older you are the easier it is to detect “frenemies”, or people who aren’t genuine about their hopes that you’re happy and progress in life. Ain’t nobody got time for that! #byeFelicia

5. You Can’t Stand Younger People

Thoughts such as “Was I THAT obnoxious?” and “Where are these children’s parents?” cross my mind quite frequently when in the presence of teenagers. But seriously, kids nowadays are the absolute worst – who raised them?!

6. You Take Care Of Your Body

Whether that means cutting back on your fast food intake, actually making it to the gym more than once a year in January, or even not getting black-out drunk three times a week and giving your poor liver a rest, you’re realizing that starting to take care of your body is probably a good investment.

7. You Have Actual Plans For Your Future

I was all over the place trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life during high school, college, and even a year “in the real world”. But now, I not only have a clear-cut idea as to how I envision my life, but more importantly, I’m taking practical steps in making these dreams my reality. Adulting is all about realizing how important this really is.

The truth is, we’re all just figuring this thing out as we go along. You can read as many “How-To” books and talk to as many people as you’d like, but the best advice I could ever give you is to try, to fail, and fail hard. But learn from your mistakes, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

And if all else fails, remember that ice cream for breakfast is never a bad decision.

 

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My name’s Wendi, and I am a strong, independent and intelligent 28 (almost 29) year-old woman. I know how to change my own oil, can bake the shiznit out of some chocolate-chip cookies and even have my own 401K.

Impressive, I know.

I’d like to think that I’m somewhat of a fully-functioning adult, most of the time, however there’s one thing that I still find myself doing pretty much on the regular, one thing that I probably will never stop doing no matter how old I get, or how much fully-functioning adult experience I put behind me…

…and that’s going to the moms for advice.

I’m extremely lucky in that my mom and I have always had the strongest of relationships (think Thor-level strength here). She has always been my rock, my inspiration, the person I would go to first whenever I had a problem or a big decision to make. From first day of school outfits and how major hair transformations (THANK YOU FOR TALKING ME OFF THAT PERM LEDGE!!) to college choices and major job opportunities, my mom has been there with me through it all. She has been the voice of reason, of wisdom when I needed it the most.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how much I still rely on me madre for things.

The past week alone I’ve called/texted her in a sweaty panic, asking her what she thinks I should do about:

Brewtus–the best VW Bug a girl could ever ask for–who’s sadly on it’s last legs. Should I try and sell her? Trade her in? And what kind of car should I look at getting? How much should I look at spending? Can I take out a loan? I hear you, but I am NOT getting a Subaru. 

My living situation: Should I move at the end of my lease? Into another apartment? And where? Or should I just bite the bullet and start looking to finance my first house?

That sore throat/cough/swollen ankle/weird rash on my neck: Is it contagious? Do you think I should go into the walk-in? AM I DYING??!! So what you’re saying is I shouldn’t WebMD it?

Boys: First date, what should I wear??!! Should I text him that I had a good time afterwards? Or should I just wait for him to text me? Well, things were going great! But then he just stopped texting me. I’m being ghosted aren’t I? What’s ghosting? I’lll explain it later. He ate his pizza with a fork anyway. Yes, thank you! He was a giant boob!

General adulting: Yogurt that’s 3 days past its expiration is still safe to eat, right? Huh, coconut oil works on that? So about that fitted sheet sitch…

I may be a 28 (soon to be 29) year-old strong, independent and intelligent woman, but I still very much appreciate advice from the moms. And I don’t think I will ever stop appreciating it.

Mom, if you’re reading this, thank you! A million times thank you!

*And I will call you later. My stomach is seriously turning cartwheels and I think it may have been because of that yogurt.

 

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