My Awesomely Random Life (and Everything in Between)

screen-shot-2015-07-23-at-12-51-22-pm

Ugh.

I’m getting old, guys.

Like, ‘in bed by 9 o’clock, gets hurt while playing kickball, can’t remember if I ate lunch so I eat second lunch’ old.

I’m half way into my 28th year and while for the most part I still feel and look my age, I definitely have my moments where I can’t help but feel like I’m inching ever so slightly over that damn hill. Despite my incessant complaining however, I’m glad I’m in the place in life that I am. It may have taken me a while to get here, but I finally have learned to embrace the things I want, and don’t want. The things I like, and don’t like. Life is way too short to worry about things that aren’t worth worrying about.

Ya dig?

Here are just 15 signs that you literally don’t give a f@*& now that you’re almost 30.

1. When people invite you to social outings that you don’t want to go to, you don’t come up with any particular excuse. You just say, “No.” And it feels glorious.

2. When you experienced a friend getting engaged for the first time, you were like, “OMFG WEDDINGS YASSS LOVE!!!” But now when it happens, you’re just like, “Aw. I’m so happy for you. Brb. I need to order a pizza.”

3. Forever 21 is a young man’s game. If a retail store stresses you out and only carries clothes that seem to be made for American Girl dolls, you’re donzo.

4. You’ve started referring to high school students as “children” or “youths.”

5. You don’t make any attempts to hide your hangovers anymore. They happen so easily (like, 2-3 beers easily) that you don’t even fight them. You just let them take over your soul.

6. Your weight fluctuates more than Chandler’s. And it’s whatever.

7. In your opinion, looking like you showered is the same thing as actually showering.

8. “Does anyone have any Pepto?” is something you frequently utter during dinner with your friends.

9. Brunch has become more about the quality of the bacon than about the deals you can get on bottomless mimosas.

10. Nope. Scratch that. It’s still all about the mimosas.

11. When someone tries to start a political discussion at a party, you just look at them like:

cinderella

12. Dressing uncomfortably is awkward for tweens. These days, you’re all about wearing your favorite t-shirt during a night out.

13. You’re less concerned with how good you look for work today and more concerned with how long you can hit the snooze button before you have to crawl drag yourself kicking and screaming out of your bedroom cave.

14. Life is stressful these days. So if you need a good cry while riding public transportation, you’re damn well certain you’ll make it happen.

15. Joining a gym is for recent college grads. You’d prefer to just live in a 4th-floor walk up and leave the house every once in a while.

Or, I mean, you could just join a debilitating kickball team.

QOTD: What are some things that you just don’t give a f@*& about now that you’ve reached a certain age?

anigif_enhanced-buzz-23195-1381342475-27

It’s no secret that I tend to be one that overthinks things.

But only like all of the time.

I also tend to turn into a goober whenever I develop a new crush on someone.

But only like the biggest goober ever.

Combine these two stellar qualities and you get me, the World’s Most Awkward Dater everrrrr.

*I tried contacting the folks at Guinness but apparently I was barely out-awkwarded by Mr. Avocado. I see you, buddy. And just know that I do not go down without fighting. Challenge accepted.

Here are just some of the things that happen when you’re an overthinker who is crushing hard core on someone.

1. Deny, deny, deny. You try to convince yourself you actually don’t. Because crushes are a damn commitment! And you certainly don’t have time for *feelings* and all the worrying that goes along with them. Nope. Noooo. You absolutely do NOT have a crush.

2. ….And then you see that perfect face and your heart is instantly pulverized into a mushy smoothie—Fine. Whatever. You might have a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy crush.

3. Making eye contact becomes a huge conscious effort. Because there’s some weird part of you that thinks, somehow, they will look at you and just KNOW. Your eyes will totally tell on you—“Hey you. Yeah you in the corner over there drinking PBR while watching the Brewers/Rockies game. I’ve got some juicy gossip. See this person? The one looking at you through me? He/she is soooo totally into you.”

4. You practice conversations in the shower. Or on your drive to work. Or just chilling in bed on a lazy Sunday. Basically any place that you’re guaranteed some privacy. You’re coming up with interesting topics to discuss, things to say to impress him/her, and testing out the perfect tone to casually (but not too casually) say: “Heyyy!”

5. But then you begin to worry that “Heyyy” sounds weirdly excited, “Hi” is too robotic and formal, “Whazzzupppp?!” is too Budweiser and “How are you?” is too invasive. You end up settling on a simple head nod.

6. Arggghh. You gave a freaking head nod??!!??

7. Investigate your crush online. And spend the next hour convinced you accidentally liked an Instagram photo from 56 weeks ago. You consider deleting all traces you ever existed on any social media account. EVER.

8. Orchestrate the perfect way to just accidentally run into this new crush. Oh, you go to this coffee shop/bar/grocery store too? That’s so weird. I had noooo idea.

9. But when you do see your crush, you totally clam up and don’t say anything. Mayyyybe squeak out a “good” when they say “What’s up?” and immediately want to die. Oh. My. God.

10. Realize that you definitely should have gone with “What’s up?” You gave a freaking head nod??!!??

11. You look for any possible sign feelings could be mutual. I mean, seriously, ANY sign. “He DEFINITELY lingered when handing me my coffee cup,” or “She said my name and kind of smiled when she said it, so that for surely means she likes me, right?!”

12. Plan. Plan. Plan. The overthinker is crippled by the thought of anything remotely spontaneous. There needs to be something set in motion. And a Plan B. And C. Because oh my God, what if it all falls through? Many, many nights are just spent thinking and scheming.

13. If you happen to run into your crush while out with your friends, you work EXTRA hard to act cool and collected. Shut up, Wendi, don’t you dare give it away. Don’t giggle. And don’t you even think about doing that weird hair flip thing you do when you’re nervous. THEY WILL KNOW! Everything is fine. It’s easy breezy. Didn’t even seem him/her over there looking all ridiculously cute. Nope.

14. You create a playlist of songs that you imagine one day listening to together. Like a soundtrack to magically fall in love to. Would you like some macaroni with all that cheesy cheese fest, amiright?

15. You spend an embarrassing amount of time scoping out anyone attractive who has commented on their pictures. Because it’s probably his sister. It’s his sister. Just tell me it’s his goddamn sister, okay????

16. You remember any little detail they provide. A favorite musician? You stored that info away for good. It’s in the vault. You probably even decided to check if there were going to be any shows in your area. That way you can casually mention it. Oh what? You already got tickets? And you have an extra one? I mean, yeah, it’s not a big deal though…

17. You become paranoid that they can actually hear your heat thump-thump-thumping in your chest. Or see the gigantic butterflies pterodactyls flying around in the pit of your stomach.

18. You stress, daydream, and above all else, remember that having a crush can kind sorta make you feel a little out of your mind—but for all of the right reasons.

“Women in particular need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we’re scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don’t have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘To Do’ lists.”  

—Michelle Obama

I have some pretty amazing women in my life. Like, really amazing. If you’re lucky enough to have a set of sister-friends, BFFs, partners-in-crime, confidants, and/or soul sisters like I do, you will no doubt go on living your every days and every nights with endless amounts of laughter, adventure, bear hugs, crazy shenanigans, support, and love. Months or years can go by without talking to them, but you can pick up right where you left off just as if you shared a cup of tea yesterday. That is the beauty of the unconditional love of our friends.

There are just some things that go unsaid about having close girlfriends; reminding each other never to get bangs again (ever!), supporting one another in their career pursuits, ugly TSwift car-karaoke sessions, Ryan Gosling movie marathons and proactively hitting the Chunky Monkey hardcore when one of you gets your heart broken.

You will go to the ends of the earth for your BFFs (or brave the aisles of that department store during their ‘Midnight Madness’ sale just to get that new pair of shoes). This also includes watching out for your girlfriends’ health.

August 1 is National Girlfriend’s Day. This is a day to celebrate the incredible women in our lives who make us laugh, make us smile, make us feel like our true selves and bring a little or a lot more joy in everything we do. This Saturday, and everyday, we women have to make a valiant effort to look out for one another. It’s what we do–right? And, as the quote at the top says, “We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our ‘To Do’ lists.”

There are many things that you can do right now to help you and your girlfriends live a better and healthier life. It’s so very important to get regular checkups, stay on top of things like blood pressure, mammograms, cholesterol and preventative immunizations. The below from Oscar Health Insurance illustrates just some of the things you should be looking out for and doing on the regular. Oscar is passionate about their members staying proactive about their health, and have many tools right through their app to help make it easy. If you’re in the area, you can check our their individual health insurance plans in New Jersey and New York.

Oscar Women's Checkups

Being healthy is the shiznit. It really is.

That being said, of course it’s mandatory for you to indulge in those Friday night Appletinis every once in a while, those Netflix binging, nacho-eating, double-scoop-of-ice cream-splurges. Life is just way too damn short not to. But this being healthy thing isn’t so bad, either (and not just because you won’t wake up with a massive hangover the size of Texas the next day).

Here are just some of the ways you can celebrate National Girlfriends Day the right way, the healthy way, the dare I say, fun way!

1. So berry cool. There’s nothing better than biting into a juicy strawberry or blackberry on a hot summer’s day. grab a bucket and some gloves and get your berry-picking on! When you’re done, use them to bake a pie or sweet dessert (try these tasty berry shortcake recipes).

2. Beach it. Head to the beach and go for a walk, run or swim — with SPF, of course.

3. Swing irons. Head to the golf course and tee-up a few shots. If you’re not into golfing on a course, channel your inner Happy Gilmore and try mini-putting or even the driving range.

4. Be green. Ride your bike to your local farmer’s market, pick up some fresh foods and whip up a delicious eco-dinner together. (Tips to eat locally)

5. Kick back. Grab some magazines (or your favorite book) and read them while hanging out on your patio.

6. Donate your clothing. Go through your closets, try on each other’s clothes and set aside anything that doesn’t fit (or look good anymore!). Donate the clothing to local organizations, help those in need AND make room for that new LBD you’ve been eying.

7. Be artists for a day. Get a canvas and paint and create a work of art together

8. Sweat together. Go for a run or bike through your local park, go on a hike or hit the gym.

9. Go wine tasting. Register for a wine tasting class or go winery hopping at a few local wineries. Studies do show that a red wine has heart-healthy properties. Win-win.

20. Couch marathon. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your health is some serious chillaxing. Grab your girlfriends and Netflix the entire series of Sex in the City from start to finish (be sure to indulge and order takeout for dinner!).

Let’s all celebrate women and women’s health every day, so we have more days to spend shopping, ugly-dancing, road-tripping, laughing, smiling, living!

toilet-paper-36502844197_xlarge

Alright guys.

Roll with me on this (pun intended).

How about instead of ‘toilet paper’, we start calling it ‘loo paper’?

So sophisticated, so royal, so dapper.

Like, Kate Winslet-esque.

Or Dame Maggie Smtih.

I bet Maggie Smith would use the shit out of loo paper. (Pun intended because, well…)

We should totally make this a thing, right?

Right.

*The above thoughts are based on actual thoughts I have on random Tuesday nights, lying in bed after having eaten just all of the chips and salsa.

***Which coincidentally, will  make you go through just all of the loo paper.

This must be what the Lion King meant by Circle of Life.

b1

So there’s this little show called Breaking Bad, some of you may have heard of it. It didn’t get much attention, didn’t win any of those fancy shmancy awards, and there are most definitely NOT any pop culture references to any of the characters.

I’m totally kidding of course. BB was probably one of this generation’s most iconic television shows. It ran for a solid 5 seasons on AMC, and tells the story of Walter White, a high school chemistry teacher who learns he has terminal and inoperable lung cancer. After hearing his diagnosis, he teams up with one of his former students, Jessie Pinkman to start securing his family financially for when the time comes that he’ll no longer be there for them. Walter and Jessie decide to do what anyone does when looking to raise a little money: open a very profitable and lucrative lemonade stand.

And by lemonade stand I mean they began to criminally produce and sell meth. Hard core.

So there’s that.

Despite it’s nitty-grittiness, raw vulnerability and somewhat dark subject matter, BB became one of America’s most watched and talked about shows. Actually, it was probably because of these reasons that it did so.

BB aired it’s last episode on September 29, 2013…

…annnnnnnddd I just started watching it a few weeks ago.

I know. I know. I’m a bit [fashionably] late to the BB bandwagon, but when it was on TV, I never really took an interest in the show. In all honesty, I had watched the first episode and decided I wasn’t so much of a fan. I didn’t like how dark it was. And was it just me or did seeing Malcolm in the Middle’s dad as a cancer-stricken drug dealer just weird the beans out of you? After some thought (and serious boredom), I decided to give it another go. What I found was that BB was kind of like a good wine; it only got better with time.  I just finished the series a few days ago and am heart broken. Not just because the show is over and I can no longer look forward to enjoying a pizza and glass (or two) of wine with Walter, Jesse, Skyler, and Saul every night, but when I try to talk about my utter heart brokenness with my friends, they look at me like I have three heads.

In their defense, they’ve all had a good two years to get over it. They’ve gotten through all seven stages of the grieving process, they’ve come to accept that BB is over, done, kaput. But for me, the pain is still very real. Just one of the struggles of binge-watching a show for the first time when literally everyone and their second cousin twice removed on their mom’s side has already seen it.

Here are 13 more reasons why this can be just all of the worst:

1. No one wants to talk about the show. No one. But that’s literally all you want to do in life right now.

2. Spoilers. Spoilers, spoilers everywhere. They weren’t a huge problem before you started watching the show, but now that you know the characters’ names, everything is a spoiler. Everything. *Cries in a heap as far away from the interwebs as possible.

3. You’re terrified to even mention that you’re watching the show to other people for fear that they will pull the ‘ol, “OMG have you gotten to the part where____happens?!”” Ear muffs.

4. Or, you’ll get that well-meaning person who just can’t help but accidentally spoil it when they say, “OMG I was sooooo sad when____ died! I cried for days.” Bullet-proof ear muffs.

5. And then of course you get the fun experience of assuming that anytime something minorly not-so-great happens to one of your favorite characters, that’s the moment that they’re going to kick the bucket. Oh, they missed the bus? This must be it. They decide to walk home and get run over by a moose. Cool.

6. If the show you’re currently binging on is well past its expiration date, people will look at you like you’re crazy for just watching/finishing it. I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to PLEASE TALK ABOUT THAT BREAKING BAD ENDING THOUGH!!

7. When someone asks you what your favorite show is, you may feel a little weird saying Seinfeld, considering it went off the air 17 years ago. But to be fair, Seinfeld is timeless so…

8. Oh, that actor that you’re totally obsessed with? They’re now 16 years older and have three kids so your fantasies about you casually running into them at Trader Joe’s and falling madly in love in the produce section are far less likely than if you had loved them when the show was actually airing. Not impossible, just a little less impossible. I will never let go, Jonathon Taylor Thomas, I will never let go.

9. When something huge happens on the show, very few people are still interested in freaking out about the fact that Jack, Sawyer, Kate and the rest of Oceanic flight 815 WERE NOT DEAD THE WHOLE TIME?!?! Nope, scratch that. Everyone is still freaking about that Lost ending. It will always be too soon for that one. Always.

10. You’re constantly recalling old celeb gossip while watching, which makes you a tad paranoid. Hmmm, didn’t this actor go to jail at one point and have to leave the show? When did that happen? OMG are they going to be written out of the show before they get back together with____?

11. You want to recommend the show to everyone, share the brilliance, the magic, the amazingness of it all! But everyone has already seen The Sopranos. Everyone. Except you. And maybe your grandma. Nope, even she has seen it.

12. Everyone and their mother is going to claim that they once told you how great that show was ages ago. And they’re going to want you to concede full credit to them. Boogers.

12. When you know that a show was unexpectedly canceled and ended the cliff hangers to beat all cliff hangers, you have a mini crisis trying to decide if you should stop watching at the point when things are mostly wrapped up, or if you should stick it out and risk the utter torment of an unresolved ending. RIP Firefly. RIP.

13. You finally start understanding certain references that have made their way into pop culture, and you want to use them all the time. But if you throw “Legen…wait for it…dary!” into conversation, people are just going to think that you just need to move on already!

Yep. I think I need to just start watching shows in real time from now on.

There’s this little show called Mad Men that I’ve been meaning to get around to watching. Apparently it’s like, the best.

Wait. What?! MAD MEN ENDED EARLIER THIS YEAR?!?

Friday Faves

Hey you beautiful people!

Guess what?

Chicken butt.

Also, IT’S FRIDAY!!!

Usually the week following a three-day weekend is awful, long, and just so awfully long. But this week seemed to fly by. And I am definitely not complaining. It’s going to be hard to top last weekend’s amazingness (I mean, I was 50ft from the Hanson brothers), but I think it’s going to be pretty damn close if not just as great. Tonight I’ve got a date with some serious DVR and couch action and I’m not even mad about it. Speaking of which, have any of you guys been watching Unreal? It’s a scripted drama that basically shows us what really goes on behind the scenes of my [and everyone’s] fave Bachelor and Bachelorette shows. Anddddd I’m addicted. SO good!

Tomorrow the sis is coming over to pool it up and work on our tans sunburns and then I’ve got an actual date with an actual human being later that night. Guys, this is huge! Not only did I make it past the dreaded first date (I’d like to think these babies sealed the deal), but we’re going on a second, a second date in which HE ASKED ME OUT! As the perpetual asker out, this is kind of foreign territory for me, but you know what? I’m kind of digging it. We’re going to dinner and mini golf which should be fun (loser buys post golf froyo, which means that I’m getting just all of the toppings because I’m obvies gonna kick his ass. Obvies.). And then Sunday I’ve got my softball game. My mom is coming to visit next week and is staying with me for two weeks which means I probably should clean my apartment at some point too but HAHAHAHA LIKE THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN!

No, but seriously. I really need to clean. Good thing my mom comes to visit me every six months because that’s really the only thing motivating me to dust off the ‘ol vacuum. I wish I was joking.

Whatever you’ve got planned for your weekend, I hope that you have an absolute blast! But before you get started. be sure to kick off the fun with my favorite finds from around the web and more in the week’s Friday Faves!

Favorite photo bomb: BRB just ugly laugh-crying at this pic of JLaw just being JLaw. Reason 50 million kajillion why I love her.

b1

Favorite Guilty Pleasure: Like I mentioned earlier, UnReal. So. Good. If you ever wanted to see how “real” your fave reality TV shows are, you have to check this out!

b2

Favorite festive: Sparkling Red White and Blue Sangria. Although the 4th of July is over I think this fizzy cocktail can be appreciated all summer long. I recommended it to a friend for the 4th and he reported back, “Welp. The only problem this drink has is that it doesn’t taste like alcohol.” HA!

Sparkling-Red-White-and-Blue-Sangria-Recipe-4

Favorite tip: 9 Things You Should Do Every Weekend to Reset for the Week Ahead. I’m a firm believer in setting your week up for success by getting a few cleaning/organizing tasks out of the way on Sunday night. I usually do the dishes, pack my lunch (in my very cute Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox because I’m really a 12 year old stuck in a 28 year old’s body), and throw in any remaining laundry before heading to bed. It feels SO good to start the week off on the right foot, and this list has more great little things to do!

9ThingstoDoEveryWEekend

Favorite bite: Thai Pineapple Peanut Chicken Satay. The foodie world is going crazy for kabobs lately and these are definitely the most delicious looking ones I’ve seen. I’m such a sucker for all things grilled pineapple!

Peanut-Pineapple-Chicken-Kebabs-09

Favorite decor: Travel Photo Wall. I’ve wanted to hang a travel photo wall for years but never quite knew how to start or anchor it. Duh. A map, of course! Great layout.

TravelWall

Favorite funny. “…I am going to eat it all and enjoy my life here on the couch watching Netflix.” Well said, my friend. I doubt I’d ever wear this out of the house but come on, hilarious! #becauseOITNB

DeliciousPoints

Favorite woah: Chocolate Strawberry Nutella Cake. Talk about delicious points. I saw this cake on the Pioneer Woman’s show a few weeks ago and not only did it look stunning, I can’t even imagine how insane it must taste. Strawberries + chocolate cake + whipped cream + nutella? Yes please!

ChocolateStrawberryNutellaCake_mini

Favorite furball. When I first saw this picture I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry (out of terror.) I decided to laugh…uncontrollably. HILARIOUS. I want this sweet pooch.

happydog_mini

b1

So you’re going on a first date with that super cute guy/girl from your office. Supe’s exciting!!!! But before we get too ahead of ourselves, let’s run through the dating check-list, shall we?

You’ve showered.

You’ve picked out the winning outfit that screams “Oh this old thing? I just threw it together.” *You actually spent 59 minutes tornadoing through your closet and after realizing that you literally didn’t have anything to wear, you made a last minute trip to Target, spending last week’s pay check on just all of the things.

You’ve blushed, bronzed, polished, shaved, waxed and groomed. You’ve used so much hair product and perfume/cologne that it would be well advised not to get within 50ft. of any flames. You want to look hot, but like, not ‘caught on fire’ hot.

You’re ready to do this thing!

But wait just a second.

What happens when you actually get there? You’re going to that new pizza place downtown so there will definitely be eating  involved (oh, there will be eating), and probably a few drinks. But at some point, there’s going to be a time when you’re mouth isn’t stuffed with pepperoni deliciousness, when your Diet Coke is awaiting a refill, when you actually, gasp, have to make some kind of conversation.

I know.

I KNOW!

But don’t you fret, my friends. I got you.

First dates, to me, can be both equal parts nerve-wracking, exciting and to be honest, kind of boring. As we discussed here, there is a sort of formula that first dates follow. More often than not, this formula consists of a cheesy movie, followed by an even cheesier dinner (especially if you’re eating at that new pizza place downtown–they do NOT skimp on the fresh mozz, let me tell you!) and then a series of pre-planned, standardized, get-to-know-each-other questions ala “What do you do?”, “Where did you grow up?” and “What kinds of music do you like to listen to?” (among others).

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with breaking the ice with these kinds of questions, there’s also nothing too terribly exciting about them either. If first dates are a time when you’re supposed to find out if you and your potential SO have anything in common, if you are compatible, if you agree on the really important things in life, than shouldn’t you be asking the hard-hitting questions instead? I mean, this could be the person you end up spending the rest of your life with!

Or at the very least your Friday night (which is precious prime Netflix/ ice cream and book-a-thon time, mind you).

The following is a list of the 20 vital and absolutely necessary questions you should be asking on your next first date:

1. How many times a day do you try and use The Force?

2. Gun to your head, you must choose one: Oreos or Chips-a-Hoy?

3. What’s your opinion on sweatpants?

4. So, do you cheat when playing Monopoly most of the time or all of the time?

5. Are you more of a Chandler, Ross or Joey?

6. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you drench your pancakes in syrup? (1 being “a lot” and 10 being “syrup with a side of pancakes.”)

7. On average, how many hashtags do you include on an Instagram photo?

8. Who’s your favorite Game of Thrones character? Jon Snow? Or Jon Snow?

9. At what point in the afternoon do you change out of your pajamas?

10. Who are your favorite celebrity twins and roughly how many days has it been since you last watched Passport to Paris?

11. Was Leo still in a dream at the end of Inception?

12. How many sauce packets do you ask for with an order of chicken nuggets?

13. Which Disney villain would you play tetherball with?

14. Favorite Starburst color on three. One, two, YELLOW!

15. Do you dogear your book pages?

16. What’s your go-to ugly car dancing and karaoke jam?

17. Would you say that Cloris Leachman is basically Betty White’s rebellious cousin?

18. You spot a terrifying spider the size of a small burrito a foot away from you. How do you react?

19. Speaking of burritos…what would you include in your ultimate tortilla-blanketed masterpiece?

20. Do you mind if I have that last piece of pizza?

So there you have it, folks.

The ultimate (and tres important) list of vital and absolutely necessary questions to ask on a first date.

Now go forth, use The Force, and make me proud!

And if you can, snab me a slice or two! ;)

Tag Cloud

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 640 other followers

%d bloggers like this: