My Awesomely Random Life (and Everything in Between)

Archive for the ‘Things That Make Me Go Hmm’ Category

JOB-ba the Hut

MICHAEL-SCOTT-THE-OFFICE

Being a librarian has its perks, y’all. Working with books every day, getting people excited about becoming forever learners, thinkers and doers, working with books every day, making a difference in the lives of your students/patrons, working with books every day, the opportunity to work with some amazing people, and of course, getting to work with books every. damned. day. That being said however, it does have its drawbacks. A few which include tight budget constraints, strict funding and job security.

The former has made my heart so incredibly full, my life mucho happy. The latter on the other hand have made me something of an expert on the field of staring unemployment in the face like it’s the Reaping, and I, as Katniss Everdeen, have to somehow survive almost sudden death in the Arena of the Crappy Economy and No Jobs. While I’ve always been fortunate enough to find another job, it never becomes any more fun to embark on the risky endeavor of networking your ass off until you find something, anything, to help pay the bills. And not only that, but find a job that makes your heart smile, a job that you’re good at, a job that you’re excited to wake up in the early AMs every morning and go to. But first, before you ride into battle, you have to prepare for war.

The following is a list of suggested activities in which one can partake so that the first 24-48 hours (or in my case, three weeks) of impending unemployment don’t feel as unproductive as a “Holy chocolate-covered potato chips, Batman! I’M UNEMPLOYED?!?!” pity party.

  1. Mentally plan for the worst case scenarios first. How much could you make by selling your Brewers collector bobbleheads on Ebay? What if you sublet your bedroom and just slept on your own couch? Would your parents agree to “bankroll your groovy lifestyle” and therefore be awesome in your eyes even though, let’s face it, they probably want you moving back home with them as much as you want to move back home with them?
  2. Stare into the fridge as if you will never see it this full ever again. Good bye, six dollar bag of organic Kale salad greens potato chips from Whole Foods. It was nice knowing you, leftover Magnolia cupcake from that one time you decided to show moderation and only have half a cupcake. Soon, take-out containers and greasy bags of drunken pizza cravings will be a thing of the past because you are Unemployed and thus cannot afford to eat more than canned chicken-noodle soup with a side of misery.
  3. Eat other half of the Magnolia cupcake. Decide if you’re going to be poor, you’d better get as many calories in you now before you have to revert to living off of your own body mass. Debate going to get another cupcake, because one half really is never satisfying, like ever.
  4. Call your parents and let them know you’re out of a job because hey, it’ll make them feel appreciated and wanted and if you do have to beg them to pay for everything, at least this will give them prior notice. They, in turn, will console their baby — because you are still their baby, after all — and while you, blubbering and telling them that you’re “Trying To Make It Work!” and “You’ve got Prospects!” and “Ideas!” as to where to find a new job, might actually feel a sense of comfort you haven’t had since your favorite blankie was finally donated to the rag heap in the sky.
  5. Have pity party anyway. Dance around to some Hall and Oates and rock the ish out of said pity party. Invite some friends. And tequila. Just all of the tequila.
  6. Reconnect with anyone you might have ever known who could help you get a job. Become one of Those People who asks how somebody is only to follow it up with a “SO THIS IS WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR ME!” kind of remark. Don’t they want good karma? Won’t helping you find a job make them feel like a good person? Also, you should size up everyone on the street as to whether they work at a company that might employ you, or could possibly employ you themselves. Debate striking up conversation, because it’ll show you’re gutsy and outgoing and a go-getter! (Isn’t that what companies want from their employees, anyhow?)
  7. Update about it on Facebook and Twitter, because this is Reality and when you’ve got a cushy job with severance and slash or tenure 15 years later, you’d like to scroll down your timeline and remember those quaint days when you weren’t sure how you were going to make rent or pay your Spotify bill. Also, go through Twitter and rabidly delete any content a future employer might find unsatisfactory. Yes, even that 140-character rant you crafted on last Tuesday morning’s commute about how that bacon and egg sandwich from the street cart is going to eff you up so good.
  8. Break down your monthly expenses on a microscopic scale. Budget $40 a week for food, if you really make an effort to cook everything — and by “cook,” I mean, make half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for each meal. Call up your cell phone provider and explain that because you’re losing your job, you need a discount or even a free month of unlimited service because how else are you supposed to find a job (or play Words with Friends in your first few days of unemployment and doing less than nothing) if you can’t put a phone number on the top of your resume?
  9. Rationalize that you’ve worked really hard for a long time, so maybe a few weeks to yourself will be a good thing. You can mentally decompress. You can go to the gym you’re too busy to use, and you’ll impress your interviewers with a newly chiseled physique, wrought from the combination of making the gym your new place of pro bono employment and following the Too Broke To Really Eat diet plan.
  10. Watch too much television with characters that have jobs they constantly bungle, and wish life were that glossy. Because it’s not. Instead, you gloss up your resume a little, make sure your one blazer is lint-free, and take your risks with LinkedIn even though those emails reminding you to add Tommy with whom you worked on one project in Ethics class back in college to your contacts have driven you batty ever since you both graduated. And then you buy a cupcake. Because if you’re going to hoof it all over and be friendly and polite during your interviews, it’s probably a good idea to avoid being hangry while doing so.

These are all great tips to employ (pun intended) in your current state of pending joblessness, but probably the most important thing you can do during this suckier than a vacuum time my friends, is to never, ever never ever give up. Ever. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my time in the Arena, it’s that it’s okay to get frustrated, it’s okay to be scared and nervous, but you can’t lose that hope. You can’t take rejection as an end-all, be-all. Learn from every application, every interview, every time you came so close but weren’t close enough and use that as motivation. You’ve got this. You’ve totally and 110.9999784% got this.

And always, always eat the full cupcake.

Things That Make Me Go ‘Hmm’: Grand Gestures

Hey guys!

Happy hump day 🙂

It’s been a while but I have a big, huge, epic ‘Thing that made me go “hmm” to share with y’all today.

Hey, it’s your wedding, so you can sing Christina Aguilera if you  want to.

That apparently was the choice of one bride recently, who decided to memorialize her  walk down the aisle by singing “The Right Man” by my favorite genie in a bottle, one Miss Christina Aquilera. In what might be one of the most unique (and somewhat awkward) ways to make the last leg of the journey to the altar that I’ve seen, Marie Carr sultry serenaded the tune to Devin, her husband-to-be as she made her way toward him.

I have two takes on this ‘Hmm’. When I first saw the video, I thought ‘holy awkward turtle, Batman.’ My face began to turn a lovely shade of red and I felt uncomfortable not only for her, but for all of their friends and loved ones in the audience as well her husband to be–especially in the end when she was just inches from his face, looking lovingly into his eyes as she belted out the last few words of the song. I would have broken out in fits of LOL’s and LMFO’s, probably ruining my make-up and perfectly quaffed hairdo in the process. Don’t get me wrong; I am all for being creative and making an event, especially one as monumental as your wedding day, something to remember, but I thought that this might have been just a tad too much.

Despite it’s awkwardness, I do think it was really sweet. The bride went out of her way to not only tell her husband to be how much she loved and cared for him, but she showed him through song. I have to give this gal a lot of credit; I don’t think I would have had the courage (or the voice) to do something this cool, even if I was chocolate wasted prior to.

This video got me thinking about other over the top, crazy and sometimes silly grand gestures that people sometime perform for others, whether it be as a gift, a romantic surprise or a random and spontaneous occurrence.

One of the most memorable grand gestures that anyone ever did for me was when I was in the sixth grade. One bumping Saturday night, a bunch of my friends and I went to the hotest hangout spot in Wausau, the roller skating rink (shout out to High Roller). Jason, my ‘boyfriend’ at the time (when you were 12, your boyfriend/girlfriend was the person who you sat with at lunch, danced with at the Spring Fling and got your parents to drive you to and from the latest flick Toy Story 2 at the movie theater) decided to get his buddies together and pool all of their tickets won from endless Skee ball and Wack-A-Mole games so that he would get me a necklace. It took him nearly all night, and probably cost him a fortune in silly tickets, but he got me that necklace. It was one of those corny, cheap, gold-that-turns-your-skin-blue-whenever-you-wear-it pieces of jewelry, but to me, it was beautiful, priceless, the most gorgeous thing I had ever had. It wasn’t the necklace itself, but the work and effort and thought that went into getting the corny, cheap, gold-that-turns-your-skin-blue-whenever-you-wear-it piece of jewelry that really made it special. You want to know a little secret? I don’t have a great deal of jewelry, but I still have that cheap High Roller necklace 🙂

I made a list of some of the most popular grand gestures and what I think about them. If you have any others to add to my list and/or want to comment on what I have so far, please do! I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear your thoughts 🙂

1. Sky writing: I am ALL for this! I think it’s a creative and surprising way to show someone how much you love or care for them. The negatives: it can cost an arm and a leg to do, you have to be sure to have the intended recipient in just the right spot at just the right time which can be tricky, and there’s always the chance that you get a pilot who does not have spellcheck.

Fail.

2. Jumbo Tron: I have always had a secret dream of getting proposed to at a Brewer game on the big screen. I know, I know. Completely cheesy. It would take a special kind of guy to have the guts to do such an over-the-top gesture, a guy I would most definitely say ‘I do’ to. Of course not all gals are like me and would run for the hills if such a course of action was taken. Advice for all the dudes out there: really get a feel for what your girl likes and if getting down on one knee on the top of the eighth, bases loaded, with two outs and a full count in NOT her thing, I would maybe think of something else. Another jumbo tron gesture…the infamous kiss cam which in my opinion is the greatest thing ever invented. The moment when that camera captures two complete strangers, a brother and a sister, a couple who has been married for 70 years and that completely bathos look comes across their face and they wonder ‘do I or don’t I?’, that moment is the best!

3. The Live band or violinist at dinner: Not a fan. I love music but when a guy is standing over my shoulder as I am stuffing my mouth with steak and mashed potatoes, yeah…not exactly romantic. I also don’t know whether I should keep eating or be polite and wait until they’re done. or if I should smile or laugh or get up and start dancing (which is SO something that I would do by the way to make things even more NOT awkward).

4. There’s a ring in my cake!: Surprising your girlfriend/boyfriend with the ring in a piece of food can be romantic and is definitely surprising but there can be some downfalls to this gesture. First, you run the risk of your gal/guy choking. Not the best way to start an engagement in my opinion. Secondly, there is a very specific and exact timing and presentation issue that you have to follow and be sure to adhere to, which if you’re willing to do, go for it! And thirdly, whether it be your caesar salad or your chocolate souffle, no matter what it is you are sticking that rock into, it will get dirty and sticky. Tasty sure, but dirty and sticky.

5. Flash Mobs: LOVE!!!!!

6. Surprise Parties: I liked to be surprised, especially when it comes to getting my party on but I know there are a lot of peeps out there who would flip their lid if they were ambushed by their friends and family wearing party hats and throwing confetti. I have never been surprised but I have done my fair share of doing the surprising and I think that is even more fun. it is a lot of work, and it takes a lot of planning and strategizing, but the look of the person’s face, the shock and utter excitement (for most people) is totally worth it!

And finally…

7. Written poems/songs: Anything that comes from the heart, that is creative and funny and cute, that takes time and consideration and a real understanding of the person is A-Okay in my book! As long as it isn’t a get-back-at-my-ex, Taylor Swift, Dear John type ballad (although that D-bag totally had that coming to him!).

A gesture, whether big or small, is such a great way to show someone, a friend, a sister or brother, a boyfriend or girlfriend, how much you love and care for them. If it will make someone’s day, I may even consider belting out a Christina song (ear muffs for everyone near by will be provided).

Questions of the day: What do you think of this bride’s grand gesture?

What are some grand gestures that you have made/been given?

Things That Make Me Go Hmm…

Hey dudes and dudets! I hope you’re having a great Tuesday so far!

It’s time for another edition of Things That Make Me Go Hmm.

The topic at hand: What crazy shenanigans would you do for love?

Did you guys happen to hear about this story? A man from Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin (way to represent, Wisconsin) somehow decided in that crazy head of his that it would be a good idea to pretend to be an intruder to impress a girl. Yup. You heard me. Apparently, the genius behind all of this, a man by the name of Robbie Suhr, 48, dressed in dark clothes and a mask and  attacked the 26-year-old female exchange student who was living with him and his  family.

According to a police press release, Suhr — who is, get this, married and even has  children — told them he wanted to be in a relationship with the young woman  and that he  “intended to tie her up while masked, leave the area, and  then return as himself to rescue her.” The poor girl had gone out to have a cigarette when she encountered the  masked man in the garage. She brought out her inner Chuck Norris and fought back, causing Suhr to eventually give up the attack and flee from the scene. After causing quite the ruckus in the small town neighborhood, eventually the Police found out that it was the homeowner who had caused all of this and he was later arrested.

Now THIS is a Knight in Shining Armor 🙂

Now, I understand that this guy was maybe going for the whole “Knight in shining armor” thing; every girl likes to be rescued by their Prince Charming. But really? I don’t know about you gals, but pretending to be some wacko kidnapper, who, by the way, ends up getting his butt kicked by a girl, isn’t really something that would make me say, “Now that is one fine piece of man.” Not to mention he already had a family; a wife and two beautiful kids. What a, pardon my french, scum bag! And just think of what could have happened if the girl decided to fight back with some pepper spray or an even more dangerous weapon (I heard gals are carrying around nunchucks and those metal super sharp star thingies in their Prada bags now; it’s all the rage)? He could have been seriously hurt (not gonna lie; I think a little pepper spray would have done him good). And what if his kids saw his ‘act’–if it even was an act. Some are speculating that this was just a cover and that he did intend to actually kidnap the girl but when it went haywire, he decided to blame it on ‘love’. Love makes you do crazy things sometimes, but this?

This is definitely something that makes me go ‘Hmm’.

What do you guys think? Did this guy have good intentions or was he just off his rocker?

To be fair, I personally have pulled a couple of ‘love crazy’ antics myself. There was that time in kindergarten when I threw a block at poor little Sarah’s head just so that I would get in trouble and have to stay after class with my uber crush at the time, Kody. Boy was he a dream boat! There was also that time in middle school when I purposely went out of my way every day to walk past Mr. Greefy’s classroom fourth hour, just to have the chance of ‘running into’ Jason as he was leaving. And then there was that time when I told a guy it would be no problem to swing by and pick him up on my way back to school; that I was in the area and it would be no trouble. What said guy didn’t know (Chris, you SO owe me lol) was that I was in the area, if being in the area meant being over five hours away. I just couldn’t help it; like I said, love can make a person do and say silly things sometimes.

But pretending to be a kidnapper?! Now that is something I would have to say is just too much, too much. This guy in my opinion was plain Cocoa-Puffs, a Looney Toon, a, well, you get the picture.

Just a few more things…

  •  I have some very exciting (and non-psycho ‘man in love’) news to share with you all. You know how I have been a writing maniac the last few weeks (hence my limited number of posts–sorry about that but a girl can only type so much before her fingers start to imprint the letters of the keys on her fingers. Actually, I don’t know if that can really happen but it sounded better than my real excuse which was that, I was just so tired and lazy, yo haha). Well, it is finished! I finally finished my book!! I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am!! Bucket list item #4 is officially checked off baby! It really was a labor of love. Not only will it hopefully bring strength and inspiration those who read it, but this whole process has been incredibly healing and almost cathartic for me. It allowed me to really go back and piece together my journey of recovery, the battles I have fought, the hard times I faced and the good times I was lucky enough to experience. It showed me how far I have come and gave me the reassurance and the encouragement to finish this race, once and for all, strong and powerful, healthy and happy. I have already been approached by a couple of literary agents which totally blows my mind (they like me! They really like me!) and I will keep you all updated on what happens next!

 

  • I tried making homemade bread pudding last night. It turned out, well, more like a very soupy and sweet version of french toast. Apparently eggs will turn into the scrambled variety if you don’t first temper them. Who knew? But, like many mistakes that have led to successes, that was probably THE best soupy and sweet french toast I have ever had!

What it was supposed to turn out as/look it...

 

...What it actually turned out as/looked like.

  • Prince Fielder has just signed a 9-year, $214M contract with the detroit Tigers. Yeah,  I don’t even want to talk about it.

That’s it for today’s edition of Thing That Make Me Go Hmm. I am now off to drown my Fielder sorrows in a bowl full of Goldfish–because how can you not smile when those little guys are just smiling back at ya? I hope you all have a great rest of the night!

Questions of the Day:

Was this guy completely nuts? Or do you think it was romantic?

What are some of the craziest things you have done for love?

 

Things That Make Me Go Hmmm: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Mini Van?

Hey guys!

I hope your Thursday evening is treating you well so far 🙂

How are we all doing on our Christmas preparations? I can’t believe it either but it’s true folks, we only have 17 more days till the big shabang, the birthday celebrations to beat all birthday celebrations…our Savior’s b-day…aka CHRISTMAS!!! Speaking of birthdays, can you imagine trying to top a cake with the number of candles equivalent to his holy age? Oofta, that would have to be one big cake…and I am thinking it would make for a slight fire hazard at that.

This is absolutely my favorite time of year. There is just something so magical and hopeful about the Christmas holiday; family and friends spending time with one another (yes, even crazy Uncle Bob and his wonky wandering eye), everyone feeling a bit more cheerful and giving, the belief that miracles can happen–after all, one of the biggest miracles occurred Christmas night in a little town called Bethlehem oh so many years ago–, the cookies and music and snow and of course…the decorations.

I have a confession to make…I tend to go all Martha Stewart when it comes to decorating for a holiday of any kind, but it is even more rampant when Christmas hits. I go jingle balls-to-the-walls with lights and wreaths and holly and mistletoe, candy canes and gingerbread houses and trees and ornaments. By the time I am finished going to town, my house looks as if the North Pole drank one too many hot toddies and threw up all over, spewing merriment and good cheer all over the place. I can’t help it; there is just something about this wonderful time of year that makes me go a bit batty. I remember back when my family lived in the chilly winters of Wisconsin, my mom and I would get all bundled up in our parkas, mittens and hats to tackle hanging the lights on our house. My dad to this day shudders whenever we ask him to do this decorative task. To say that he detests putting up lights would be an understatement. I think it all changed for him when he spent about four hours detangling the bulbs and hanging them up in the freezing cold only to discover they didn’t work–in the words of Homer Simpson…”Dohh!”). After that tragic but pretty funny incident, my mom and I took over the job and even though we may have lost a toe or finger to frost bite, ours was the best looking Christmafied house on the block, gosh darn it!

Yes, I have decorated pretty much everything in my past 24 Christmases…even myself (those sweaters are hot, if I do say so myself).

What a good-looking bunch we are!

I could pull off being Santa, don't you think?

 

My what big bulbs you have 😉

The only thing I haven’t really attempted or tried to spruce up was my car. This brings me to another installment of ‘Things That Make Me Go Hmm’. Apparently the ‘in’ thing to do this year is to dress up your vehicle for the holidays. Some of you may have seen Rudolph driving down Main Street or spotted perhaps one of Santa’s elves going through the drive-through at McDonald’s. While cute in their own way, I can’t completely say that I am gung ho-ho-ho on this new trend. Take a look at what I am talking about…

 

It's Rudolph! Although it may be dancer or Prancer...I can't tell if it's nose is red from this angle.

I could totally do that with my bug...or not.

Wowzas!

 

Holy Christmas Car Batman!

So what do you guys think? Are you a fan of dressing up your cars for Christmas or is it a tad too corny?

Have a great rest of your night everyone…and happy decorating!

Question of the day: Are you pro or no when it comes to decorating for Christmas?

 

Dirty Desserts

Have you heard?!

Ben & Jerry recently exposed their shweddy balls to America.

And boy are they tasty 😉

Okay, maybe I should clarify that a bit. Ben & Jerry’s just came out with their newest, limited batch-flavor of ice cream based on the hilarious mock-NPR Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Alec Baldwin, Ana Gastyer and Molly Shannon (one of my all-time favorites!! Check out the clip below and you’ll see why).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVChao15oDw&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PLBE2B437DC72A3BB1

The newest of Ben & Jerry creations is vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum which is loaded with fudge-covered rum and milk chocolate malt balls. Yum much? All I can say is that I can’t wait to get their Shweddy Balls in my mouth 🙂

Okay, obviously I have the maturity level of a ten-year (which was the age I was when the SNL skit first aired in 1998) because it still sends me into an unescapeable fit of giggles. I’m talking give-me-Situation-abs-crying-tears-of-funny-I’m-laughing-so-hard giggles. Anyone who knows me knows that I am quite the punny person, that is I speak fluent pun. Anytime when I can find a way to insert a pun or a double entendre into conversation, I will do so. That is what makes this sketch so hilarious; the barrel runneth over of uncanny and knee-slapping double entendres. Although the double entendred title of the scrumptious new frozen treat Shweddy balls was obviously done intentionally, it got me to think of some other tasty treats that have not-so intentionally anatomically pervy names from around the world.

6. Nestlé Nips

 

Let’s start close to home with a product you can find in the candy aisle of your local grocery, Nestlé Nips. First introduced in the 1920s, rich and creamy hard candy Nips are “for people who need a break from life’s little irritations…” I’ve heard Band-Aids work, too.

5. Couque D’asses

The next snicker-inducing treat is a crisp butter cookie filled with chocolate from Japan. I get that it’s supposed to be  French, but were there no English speakers in that marketing meeting, no one from corporate to chime in with “Umm…it says asses…on the box”?

4. Perky Nana

 

The third nibble, coming to us from New Zealand, is the Mighty Perky Nana. The Cadbury product is a chewy, banana-flavored candy bar covered in milk chocolate. You can have the regular, apparently smaller Perky Nana or the Mighty Perky Nana. But come on, size doesn’t really matter as long as it’s perky, right?

3. Crunky Nude Balls

 

Next I present to you Nude Korean Balls, Crunky Nude Balls, specifically. They are bite-size chocolate treats akin to Nestle Crunch with the rice crisps on the outside, thus making them “inside out” or “nude.”  I’m not quite sure what makes them crunk, though.

2. Megapussi

 

This tasty snack comes to us from Finland. It’s a bag of chips that proudly boasts “MEGAPUSSI!” meaning “big bag.” Betcha can’t eat just one? Goodness…talk about sinful treats. I feel like I should go to church just after reading the bag.

And just like Vanessa Williams once said, I’ve ‘saved the best for last.’

1. Spotted Dick

 

 

 

 

 

This is a very popular English dessert although you can find it right here in the good ‘ol US of AY in specialty food shops and by ordering it online. So what is this Spotted Dick you ask (also known as sponge pudding or spotted dog)? Well, it is a steamed suet type pudding which is sweet and often served with custard, very similar to pound cake. The spotted part of the name comes from the use of various types of small fruits like raisins, currants and sometimes plums. The Dick portion of the name however seems to be somewhat of a mystery with many different conflicting stories of how it came to rise. PUN intended. Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.

Well there you have it. I guess you learn something new everyday.

Now, if you don’t mind, I am going to take my Shweddy balls, Spotted Dick, and maybe a few Perky Nanas and go to town!

Have a great night guys!

Question of the day: What is the weirdest named food that you have come across?

 

 

 

Things That Make Me Go ‘Hmm’ Vm. 2: The ‘F’ Bomb

Warning: This post may contain inappropriate content. Not suitable for the faint of smell.

Fart:

Verb. To pass gas, break wind, fluff, phuffer, toot your own horn, butt burp, belch from behind, bum bassoon.

No matter what you call it, this is a seriously stinky matter. After all, a fart by any other name would smell as swe.., um, yeah. Maybe not so much.

To start off, I sincerely apologize to anyone whom I may offend in this post, but I feel that it is my duty to all of you to address this issue once and for all. Farts: Funny or just plain awkward? 

People have been farting since the beginning of time; I think I remember hearing somewhere that Adam almost scared Eve away on their first date. He ‘let one go’ while at dinner and then tried blaming it on the snake! The nerve, right? I guess that’s where the whole ‘blame game’ started. I find it funny that after all of these years, we still haven’t gotten used to this funny fart foux pas. Afterall, they are perfectly natural; it is our body’s way of letting go of toxic materials. That doesn’t  mean however that they aren’t stinky, smelly, loud (although sometimes quite silent–those are the ones you really have o watch out for–“Silent but deadly”), and mysterious. Even the mere spelling and sound of the word is awkward.

To help shed some light (and possibly air freshener) on this topic, here are 10 fart facts that you might not have  known before.

1. You probably already know that farts are composed of methane and maybe even hydrogen (plus nitrogen). Methane itself is also rich in hydrogen, the same element that may one day power fuel cell cars. So, by extension, we may one day be powering our cars with our own farts (Okay, that’s a stretch, perhaps we’ll use our farts as a fuel additive).

2.  Farts stink primarily because of the hydrogen sulfide gas mixed in with the methane. Meat, eggs and cauliflower are rich in sulfur and thus are guilty of much of the odiferous nature of flatulence.

3. Beans, beans are good for your heart, the more you eat, the more you, well, you get the idea. Beans may be great for your ticker but they also have many sugars that the human intestines cannot digest. The bacteria in our intestines react to these sugars which basically results in a trouser cough.

4. The top speed of a fart is approximately 10 feet per second. I wonder how one would go about measuring this type of thing (and more importantly, how one came up with the idea to measure it in the first place)?

5. Fart comes from the Old English word “feortan” meaning “to break wind.”

6. Women fart slightly less than men, approximately eight or nine times every day, but their gas is more concentrated. (And if you want to know, it does smell like flowers, thank you very much.)

7.The Whoopee Cushion was inspired by an invention that’s several centuries old: The “fool’s bladder,” a balloon made from a pig bladder that jesters reportedly used to entertain royalty. (An ancient gag that never gets old.)

8. The animal that has the highest output of farts on this planet is not the human nor the cow. It is the lowly termite that gets top honors as its digestive process and diet make it the perfect candidate. Some have even scapegoated the termite into being responsible for global warming, but this is a stretch.

9.Why is it easy for your uncle to blame his farts on the dog? Fido gulps lots of air when he gulps his food and water, causing him to be quite flatulent.

10. Some people can hold in farts for hours, but not forever. This is especially true for people who constantly work around other people. But, the farts have to come out sometime. So, when this person is finally in the comfort of their own home, lounging on the couch or catching some z’s, the room will most likely start to sound like a full orchestra. Let’s just hope that when said person decides he can’t hold it any longer, he is not in the elevator with you, walking in front of you on the sidewalk or sitting next to you on the bus. Been there and so regretfully have done that (that is, being the poor innocent by-stander, not the holder-inner of course).

Interesting, to say the least.

So what makes me write about such airy subjects you ask?

Last night while browsing the shelves at the B&N (aka Barnes & Nobles aka my mecca), I found myself in one such sticky and stinky situation. I was lucky enough to grab a comfy chair and was just settling down with my book of choice, ‘Heaven is Real’, which by the way is an amazing book! So much so that I read the entirety in just over an hour. It most definitely finds a place on my top 10 list and I highly reccommend it to anyone looking for an inspirational and thought-provoking page-turner. All of a sudden, a gaggle (my new favorite word) of pre-pubescent boys came barreling around the corner, comic books in hand. They looked to be about 12 or 13 and were mere copies of the Energizer Bunny; they just kept going and going and going, bouncing from one chair to the next. Ahh…to be young and wildly wired again (without the aid of ten Starbucks).

The boys were finally settling down, digging into their Batman, Spiderman or other various super hero “man in tights and a mask” book when all of a sudden I heard what seemed to be a a sad car horn…that, or a very small explosion. It was such an unexpected disruption of noise among the fairly quiet and stillness of the bookstore that it took me by surprise and made me jump in my chair a bit. I had an inkling of what had caused said ‘explosion’ and was proven right when after literally two seconds after the erruption, an uproarious round of laughs were emitted from the gaggle of comic book boys, closley followed by…

“Dude that was awesome!”

“Way to let one rip, man!”

“Wow! What’d you have for dinner Chris?”

“It wasn’t me!”

Yupp. That’s what I thought. But holy fart Batman! That was one serious car horn if you know what I mean. How could such a force come from such a little person? I was seriously impressed and grossed out all at the same time. Thankfully, I was sitting upwind from the fellas and right near the Starbucks Cafe which, with its strong aroma of coffee and pastries, helped to shield me from the odiferious smell (which by the sound of things, was quite pungent).

My amusement of the situation was elevated when a mom of one of the three boys came walking over to them and was taken aback by a sudden change in the air, if you will. That, coupled with intermintant giggles and laughter led the mom to discover that one of these boys was guilty as O.J in committing a serious fart felony.

Mom: “Did one of you boys do this? Really? Seriously?! Ugh, you guys are gross! Have you no consideration for the people around you? The next time you feel the  need to bomb the place, please take it outside. You are just like your father.”

 

Chris: “But it wasn’t me! (Said in between snickers and coy smiles).

I sat there in my comfy chair, laughing about the whole situation that had just played out before me and it made me ponder a couple of things:

1. Why are farts generally much more hilarious and accepted by guys than they are to us gals. They almost wear them like a badge of honor, or ‘Rip- One-Ribbon’ if you will. If I was a betting gal, I would say that those  three boys found them to be ‘totally awesome man!’, their mom thought they were gross and embarrassing and their dad, well, he would probably  have been proud of his boy, gleaming with pride on the recall of the nights events.2. Why do farts almost always occur when you’re in the most embarrassing of situations or amongst large groups of people in close proximity?

3. Why do people ALWAYS feel the need to DENY DENY DENY, even if it blatentaly came from them. Well, most of the time that is. I know and have known many a person who will stand up, loud and proud of their own ‘brand’, namely guys (*cough* my father, as well as the rest of the male side of my family *cough* which can make for very interesting get togethers and parties, believe you me). The thing is, if you are going to claim your innocence, do so when the evidence is NOT stacked against you (i.e you aren’t falling off your chair laughing, you don’t turn a scarlet shade of red, and a hard-boiled egg smell is not being emitted like perfume from around your vacinity).

So I guess the answer to my question: Funny or just plain awkward? Both. No matter who you are, what your background is, your age or gender, farts are awkward. And funny. And most of the time, the more awkward the situation is, the funnier they are (think of any Three Stooges episode and you’ll get an idea). Yes they can be embarrassing and yes they aren’t the most polite thing to do, but one can’t argue that they never fail to help bring a smile to someone’s face and a good ‘ol belly laugh, even if they are doing so with a clothes-pin stuck to their nose.

Have a fartastic, I mean fantastic Thursday everyone!

P.S. It wasn’t me.

Things That Make Me Go ‘Hmm’ V.2

April showers bring May…apocolyptic earthquakes?

By now you’ve probably heard of Nostradamus and even the Mayan calendar which have contradicting predictions on the end of the world. Forget about the world ending on December 21, 2011. There is a group of people who are foreseeing an apocalypse sooner, much sooner in fact. Led by theologist  (aka loony tune) 89-year-old Harold Camping, this group of Christian followers know as The Family Radio Group are waiting for what they call ‘Judgement Day’, putting up billboards and traveling across the country to warn people about the coming end, which according to them, will take place on Saturday, May 21. Yep, that’s right my friends. The world as we know it is shutting its curtains and turning out the lights this weekend. And I was supposed to go to the Brewers game on Sunday! Aww man! Well, what can I say Earth…you had a mighty good run.

But wait just a minute-rice… what makes Camping, along with these so-called ‘Doomsday Ambassadors’ so convinced that the end-all be-all will occur this Saturday. I mean, I don’t know even know what I am going to have for dinner tonight, let alone know when the world is going to come to an end. What proof, if any exists? And how reliable are his predictions?

According to Camping, his over 70-year study of the Bible leads him to believe that God will destroy the Earth with a massive earthquake, starting this very weekend. There is ‘proof’ which ties into his prediction of the impending doomsday, and it involves an intense and brain-wracking amount of math, so put your thinking caps on and try to stay with me.  You all have probably heard the story of Noah and the Great flood, which if you are unfamiliar, can be found in the book of Genesis in the Bible. According to Camping and his followers, the Great Flood occurred in 4990 B.C., exactly 7000 years ago. Camping states that God told Noah at that time that he had 7 days until the flood would begin, thus leading him to build his arc and gather his family and two of every animal, species and plant in order to make it through the devastating rains. 7 days! I can’t even begin to fathom what must have been going through Noah’s mind at the time. “Okay family. Pack your bags. We are going cruising on my massive wooden boat that I built because God told  me there was going to be a world-ending flood. We’ve only got 7 days to pack, and since we will be sharing our floating boat with every form of life that there is, I would try to pack light…there’s not going to be a lot of room. That means it’s probably best you leave your sandal collection behind, honey.” Crazy, right?!  But that is what is so awesome about this story. Ever since I was a little girl, I was fascinated by Noah’s Ark. I thought the whole idea of building a giant boat, watching animals walk into said boat two by two, putting total and complete faith and trust in the Lord like Noah had done…it was truly amazing.

But I digress…back to the theory at hand.

Camping goes on…taking a passage from 2 Peter 3:8,  it is said a day for God is like a thousand human years. Because of this translation of text, the church, as well as Camping and The Family Radio Group reasoned that seven ‘days’ equals 7000 human years from the time of the flood…which, you got it…makes 2011 the year of the apocalypse.

Because of their steadfast and adamant beliefs that this is the real-deal, The Family Radio Group, members of whom have quit their jobs and given up their families and possessions all to join this final mission, are hitting the streets with t-shirts and banners and billboards, setting out across the country in a convoy of caravans to bring the ‘awesome’ message of impending doom to as many people as possible’. This traveling caravan of ‘doomsday ambassadors’ has visited states across the country, mostly focusing on the south-east and western parts of the US. I recently spoke to my mom who lives in Georgia and she said that she has seen the influx of this group already; billboards have popped up along busy streets and there have been a couple of public demonstrations. And for anyone harbouring doubts over the accuracy of their prediction, the group has a cast iron answer – ‘the Bible guarantees it’.

To every heads, there is a tales. For every yin, there is a yang. The same theory applies to this argument. There are many people who think that this prediction is a bunch of, pardon my french,  bologna. Biblical scholars believe that, best intentions aside, Camping’s prediction is flawed. For one, there is no exact recorded date of the flood; this remains a topic of discussion in colleges and universities everywhere. Secondly, the passage that Camping refers to in 2 Peter was taken out of context. It was meant to remind Christians that God does not work on a human timetable; it was a figure of speech more or less and is not supposed to be taken literally. Thirdly, this is not the first time that Camping has made such a prediction. He previously had stated that the end of the world would take place on March 21, 1981. The last time I checked, the Earth was still spinning and Lady GaGa was still wearing meat and traveling in eggs. Speaking of which, I was thinking…how awesome would it be to  have a dress made out of Kit Kats or Skittles? Forget the smelly, nasty meat. Give me a pair of pants made out of Twizzlers any day!

Now, I am not placing any judgement on these aforementioned beliefs that the world is coming to an end this Saturday, nor am I placing judgement on people such as Harold Camping and The Family Radio Group who are holding them to be true. I am not saying that they are wrong or crazy (okay, maybe a little crazy). All I am saying is that I, personally, don’t believe such a prediction, nor do I want to really believe in it. My faith has been such an important part of my life, ever since I was a little girl. I know that God has a plan for each and every one of us, that he is there watching over us, protecting us, guiding us along this amazing and beautiful and sometimes crazy and hectic life. And yes, one day, hopefully a long, long, long time from now, I will no longer be here. But you know what, there is only one person, one, who knows how my future, how everyone’s future, is going to pan out and I am perfectly happy with leaving that up to him.  Not knowing how much time you have left in this world gives you a great sense of appreciation and gratitude for your life, what you have, what you want to accomplish and see and do and feel. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to give that up for anything.

Come Saturday, I plan on going on with my life as usual. Maybe go for a run, bake some cookies (and then proceed to eat as many as I can because if it is the end of the world, why not go out with a full and very happy stomach?), talk to my parents and take in an epic Seinfeld marathon. You’ve only got one life…so live it to the fullest, come earthquake or high flood water.

So…does this make me go ‘hmm’? It is definitely something to talk about around the water cooler at work.

Have a great Thursday guys!

Question of the day? Are you buying into the hype of the world ending on Saturday or do you think it’s a bunch of hocus-pocus?

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