My Awesomely Random Life (and Everything in Between)

Posts tagged ‘adulting’

15 Signs You Literally Don’t Give a F&*@

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Ugh.

I’m getting old, guys.

Like, ‘in bed by 9 o’clock, gets hurt while playing kickball, can’t remember if I ate lunch so I eat second lunch’ old.

Okay, I’m not getting that old, but for some reason my perspective about life has dramatically started to change within the last year or so.

I’m inching ever so slightly to the 30 year mark (the new 20) and while for the most part I still feel and look my age, I definitely have my moments where I can’t help but feel like I’ve tripped, fallen and rolled over that damn hill. Despite my incessant complaining however, I’m glad I’m in the place in life that I am. It may have taken me a while to get here, but I finally have learned to embrace the things I want, and don’t want. The things I like, and don’t like. Life is way too short to worry about things that aren’t worth worrying about.

Ya dig?

Here are just 15 signs that you literally don’t give a f@*& now that you’re almost 30.

1. When people invite you to social outings that you don’t want to go to, you don’t come up with any particular excuse. You just say, “No.” And it feels glorious.

2. When you experienced a friend getting engaged for the first time, you were like, “OMFG WEDDINGS YASSS LOVE!!!” But now when it happens, you’re just like, “Aw. I’m so happy for you. Brb. I need to order a pizza.”

3. Forever 21 is a young man’s game. If a retail store stresses you out and only carries clothes that seem to be made for American Girl dolls, you’re donzo.

4. You’ve started referring to high school students as “children” or “youths.”

5. You don’t make any attempts to hide your hangovers anymore. They happen so easily (like, 2-3 beers easily) that you don’t even fight them. You just let them take over your soul.

6. Your weight fluctuates more than Chandler’s. And it’s whatever.

7. In your opinion, looking like you showered is the same thing as actually showering.

8. “Does anyone have any Pepto?” is something you frequently utter during dinner with your friends.

9. Brunch has become more about the quality of the bacon than about the deals you can get on bottomless mimosas.

10. Nope. Scratch that. It’s still all about the mimosas.

11. When someone tries to start a political discussion at a party, you just look at them like:

cinderella

12. Dressing uncomfortably is awkward for tweens. These days, you’re all about wearing your favorite t-shirt during a night out.

13. You’re less concerned with how good you look for work today and more concerned with how long you can hit the snooze button before you have to crawl drag yourself kicking and screaming out of your bedroom cave.

14. Life is stressful these days. So if you need a good cry while riding public transportation, you’re damn well certain you’ll make it happen.

15. Joining a gym is for recent college grads. You’d prefer to just live in a 4th-floor walk up and leave the house every once in a while.

Or, I mean, you could just join a debilitating kickball team.

QOTD: What are some things that you just don’t give a f@*& about now that you’ve reached a certain age?

Adulting 101

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Y’all, I am about to turn the big 2-9 which means I have been “adulting” for a good 10ish+ years or so. I say “adulting” because I would, for the most part consider myself an adequate at best adulting adult. I pay my own bills, live on my own, know how to change the oil in my car, and know how to make a mean lasagna. Impressive, I know.

Through every stage of life, right up until these formidable adulting years, we dream of becoming an adult.

We can’t wait until we can slam back Lemon Drop shots on our 21st, until we can eat ice cream for dinner (or breakfast, no judging), until we can live on our own, until we can get married and have kids. We can’t wait until we have say over our lives.

We wait, wait, wait for that moment. And then wait some more.

But then one day, we wake up on a random Tuesday morning and holy hell, we’re there.

Adulthood.

After all of those years of waiting and hoping and dreaming, we finally made it, guys!

But what no one ever tells you growing up is that once you’re there, a full-fledged adult, you are instantly thrust into a world that is unfamiliar, complicated and so damn confusing. Sure, you can have as many of those Lemon Drop shots, shots, shots as you or your liver see fit, you can stay up to all hours of the night binge watching House of Cards, you can have ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and walk around your OWN apartment in your underwear in you want.

But you also have to actually start doing adulty things, things that you never really had to worry about before. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t spend a good majority of my early 20’s wondering what a 401K was, avoiding doing my laundry like it was the plague and considering a bowl (or three) of Frosted Flakes as a 5-star gourmet meal.  But with age, comes wisdom (and better hair choices), and I can confidently say that I’ve become a better adulting adult.

Here are just a few ways that you can tell that you’re doing this adulting thing pretty alright:

1. You’re Excited To Go Home…To Do Nothing

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of barhopping with my girls, but most days, all that’s keeping me going is the thought of going home, curling up in bed and re-binging Parks and Recreation on Netflix all by myself, and I’m perfectly content with that.

2. You’re Becoming More Responsible With Your Money

When I got my tax refund, the first thing I did was pay off some of my student loans, deposit money into my savings account, and pay off my credit card bill (damn you, Christmas 2015). I couldn’t believe it. The worst part was that it actually made me happy. Who knew being responsible could bring so much joy. I also found out about Credit Card Insider recently, which is a really helpful resource for understanding how credit cards and credit scores work.

3. Dating Is No Longer A Pastime

I can’t numerate the amount of times I’ve watched movies where an older female character complains about how she “hates dating” and couldn’t bother with “starting over with someone new” and just wanted to “skip to being an actual relationship”. Whenever I heard this, I would hardcore roll my eyes and call them liars because dating is way too much fun! You meet so many new and different people and get to have loads of exciting fun with all of them and usually end up eating just all of the delicious food. But the older I’m getting, the less I’m looking for someone new to add to my rotation and the more I’m realizing that time spent working toward something of actual substance may be a better idea.

4. You’re Selective With Your Choosing Of Friends

Who you’re dating is important, but the people you’re friends with is just as important, maybe even more so. They say it’s hard to make friends in your adult years and I think that’s because the older you are the easier it is to detect “frenemies”, or people who aren’t genuine about their hopes that you’re happy and progress in life. Ain’t nobody got time for that! #byeFelicia

5. You Can’t Stand Younger People

Thoughts such as “Was I THAT obnoxious?” and “Where are these children’s parents?” cross my mind quite frequently when in the presence of teenagers. But seriously, kids nowadays are the absolute worst – who raised them?!

6. You Take Care Of Your Body

Whether that means cutting back on your fast food intake, actually making it to the gym more than once a year in January, or even not getting black-out drunk three times a week and giving your poor liver a rest, you’re realizing that starting to take care of your body is probably a good investment.

7. You Have Actual Plans For Your Future

I was all over the place trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life during high school, college, and even a year “in the real world”. But now, I not only have a clear-cut idea as to how I envision my life, but more importantly, I’m taking practical steps in making these dreams my reality. Adulting is all about realizing how important this really is.

The truth is, we’re all just figuring this thing out as we go along. You can read as many “How-To” books and talk to as many people as you’d like, but the best advice I could ever give you is to try, to fail, and fail hard. But learn from your mistakes, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

And if all else fails, remember that ice cream for breakfast is never a bad decision.

 

So Call Me Maybe?

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I know I’m probably in the unpopular opinion here, but guys, I kinda love talking on the phone, having actual conversations with people sans emojis. There’s something really exciting about curling up on your favorite chair, with your favorite glass of Mascato, chatting it up with your favorite person. The butterflies, the nervous laughs, the incessant blushing. Don’t get me wrong, my texting game is on point, and there’s definitely a time and place for it, for surely. But in general, I’m pro-phone call.

I hate to break it to you, but we as a society have lost the art of communication, my friends. We want things to be quick, to be simple, 140-characters or less. We crave connection in all things–Facebook, Instagram and Twitter enveloping us all in this 24/7, 365 loop of status updates, pictures and tweets–yet, we do so in a way that’s so informal, so impersonal that it makes us question how real that connection is in the first place.

I may be swinging for the fences majorly here y’all, but I think we need to petition to bring back–along with Dunkaroos and scrunchies–the phone call.

And here’s why:

  1. A phone call is real-time.

With texting, we tend to play this ridiculous game that revolves around who has the power in the conversation. The person who has yet to respond leaves the other person on pins and needles, wondering if that was a dumb thing to say, if they were just scared off, if they’re really on a date with someone much more interesting right now — any number of possibilities, really. We’re so caught up in the fear of looking “too eager,” when every party involved knows that your phone is industrially glued to your hands at all times, and you at least know that text was received.

If you like someone, have a conversation with them — and if you’re having a conversation with someone you like, you should reply. Replying immediately to what somebody says isn’t too eager, it’s how we talk. After all, you’d look really silly if you took a 10 minute pause in a phone call just to look in demand and busy.

  1. You’re each getting each other, unfiltered and honest.

Ums, uhs, endearingly weird little laughs, the excessive use of “like” and all. There’s no first drafts, no consulting friends for what you should say, no debating over which emoji perfectly resonates with the point you’re trying to make. Sure, there’s no way to optimize all of your best jokes before you say them, but at the same time, if they can’t accept you at your subpar witticisms, then do they really deserve you at your most flawless zingers?

  1. It’s clear that you’re giving them your time.

You could, in theory, have the other person on speaker as you’re multitasking with a volley of other people’s texts, the television on mute, and cooking dinner, but you’re still on the phone with only them. And they’re going to be able to tell if your voice drops off from distraction — and I would sincerely hope that somebody would be able to tell if you disappeared to answer another phone call in the middle of your conversation.

  1. It’s clear that you value their time.

Not only are they worth all of those rollover minutes you’ve accrued, but again, you’re not frittering away 20 minutes of their time just so you can seem busy and important. We’re all busy, we all have things to do, and spending time wondering why somebody hasn’t texted you back is a pretty poor use of that time. If you’re really worried that you’re interrupting something, text the other person first to see if they’re even available to talk on the phone.

  1. Hearing someone’s voice is always that much more special.

There have been countless studies on all of the hormones and nerves that fire in our brains when we hear the voices of people we care about (I mean, this heartwarming baby is proof enough). Think about all the times your high school crush said your name in class and your heart basically leapt into your throat. You can play Instagram-tag all you want and like as many selfies as your little digital heart desires, but nothing’s going to replace hearing somebody else’s voice — and especially when that voice is saying something expressly for you to hear.

  1. There’s something wonderfully old-school about it.

We live in a world where you can order anything you could ever think of from apps and websites — taking the time to pick up the phone and call someone is special. I doubt that you have a phone cord to get wrapped up in or that you’re stuck sitting in the kitchen, tethered to the wall, but there’s still that sense of butterflies when you see somebody’s name pop up on your phone. Sure, it might seem cheesy to curl up in bed with your phone clamped to your ear, talking to someone you like – but why is being cheesy sometimes such a bad thing? It’s only viewed as overwrought because we’re so hellbent on seeming like we don’t care, and that self-preservation won’t get us anywhere in terms of relationships.

  1. There’s no way you can misunderstand someone.

All of that text sub — wait for it — text doesn’t exist in a phone call. What did they mean by ‘ha’? Did you use the wrong emoji? (Why are all the existential crises over emoji?) Did you say something that could be construed as offensive to somebody who was sensitive about it? Even if you do overstep the line, at least on a phone call, you’re more apt to hash it out right then and there, rather than stashing your feelings down and letting it fester until it blows out of proportion somewhere else.

  1. This conversation is just between you two.

You can’t screenshot the conversation to send to friends for instant textual analysis, and neither can they. Sure, you can call up your best friend afterward and dissect ever last pause and vocal inflection, but you really don’t have to. Conversations are just what they are sometimes. And if you can’t keep a few quality flirting sessions as private things between you and this other person, are you going to be able to do this when it comes time to having a real relationship?

The next time you’re thinking of constructing that novel-esque text about plans for next weekend or that awfully awful day you had at work or your thoughts on this year’s Brewers prospects, call me maybe?

 

Thursday nights, paydays and boobsweat

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The older I get, the more I’ve come to the conclusion that things are a bit (okay, a lot. Things are A LOT different) than they were 10, even 5 years ago. I may still look like I’m pre-pubescent, and I will probably forever and always get carded for that PBR, but this whole adulting thang has changed the way I do, think and feel about certain things, things that 10, even 5 years ago had a mostly positive connotation to them whereas now, they just emulate a feeling of panic and overwhelming boobsweat.

Here are just 24 things (words, actions and ideas) that can mean something totally different now that you’re full-on adulting.

  1. Payday

Used to mean: Every other Friday, you’re gonna make it rainnnn in this club (or mall, or GameStop, whatever floats your pubescent boat). You worked hard after school and on weekends! You deserve it!

Now means: The day when rent is due and you need to pay your bills, and maybe if you have any money left over, you can buy a drink to forget how little money you have.

  1. Credit

Used to mean: Something you never got for doing all the work in group projects.

Now means: Something you can’t buy any more books/shoes/books/Brewers tickets/books on.

  1. Healthy eating

Used to mean: [Nothing. You did not care. You did not need to care. You had the metabolism of a marathoner.]

Now means: “Well, I guess if I choke down this overpriced chopped salad, I can have a cookie to go with it, right? That’s fair, right?”

  1. Forever 21

Used to mean: The place you frequented at the mall to try on mass-produced crop tops and miniskirts that barely covered your butt, let alone any leg at all.

Now means: The place where you tell yourself that the the 21 part of the name is arbitrary and age is nothing but a number.

  1. Salary

Used to mean: A steady income, something to aim for beyond the meager hourly wages of working after school and on weekends.

Now means: Health insurance, thank the lord.

  1. Hangover

Used to mean: A really annoying thing to have in class.

Now means: A perfectly valid reason to write your last will.

  1. Thursday night

Used to mean: The glorious pre-weekend in which you went wild a day before everyone else and laughed at their sad, fun-less lives.

Now means: A long overdue date with your unfolded laundry and Swiffer wetjet.

  1. Chores

Used to mean: A thing you avoided at all costs.

Now means: Something you really want to get around to doing thoroughly but you just don’t have the time so you wind up paying people or scheduling your Wild Thursday Nights(tm) around.

  1. Friends

Used to mean: People you hung out with all the time, typically dictated by class or sports teams.

Now means: The few people who have still hung around after your third breakup and/or emotional breakdown, and fully except you, extreme weirdness and all. (So like, six people.)

  1. Parents

Used to mean: People who heckled you about picking up your room, your grades and your strict not-dating-until-you’re-30 status.

Now means: Your best friends and financial savio… I mean, advisors.

  1. Facebook

Used to mean: A place where you connect with old friends.

Now means: An advertisement for the engagements of random people you had one class with four years ago. And where your mom posts memes.

  1. Weekend

Used to mean: Going out to as many bars as you could, especially when you no longer had to hope the bouncer would believe your fake I.D.

Now means: 48 glorious hours when you do not have to leave the house at all and can form butt grooves in the couch as you marathon some House Hunters with bae.

  1. Exams

Used to mean: Something you can easily pass by studying at the last minute.

Now means: Something your doctor performs that could now mean life or death, if only your insurance covers it.

  1. Shot

Used to mean: A great, single-serving portion of alcohol that reinforces how much FUN you are having right now.

Now means: A single serving of hate-yourself-tomorrow in a glass that seems way bigger than it should be for just a shot.

  1. Plans

Used to mean: Something you locked in 45 seconds beforehand.

Now means: Something you lock in 3 months in advance, only to debate if you can make up a weak cough or bug or thing and bail with literally 5 seconds to spare before you need to show up.

  1. Takeout

Used to mean: Something your parents used to get and you were pretty indifferent about, except in thinking that it was mom or dad taking the lazy way out of dinner.

Now means: The most important part of your day/week/month/life.

  1. Phone call

Used to mean: A convenient way for your parents to check in on you.

Now means: Something. Terrible. Has. Happened.

  1. Voicemail

Used to mean: A convenient way for your parents to let you know they called, if you missed them when they checked in on you.

Now means: There is only one option: someone has DIED.

  1. Savings account

Used to mean: What your parents tell you you need to get, and you load up with Christmas money you would much rather spend on the ice cream truck.

Now means: A thing you definitely shouldn’t’ve used to book your flight to Italy, but here we are, my friends, here we are.

  1. Coffee

Used to mean: Something you drink in order to appear sophisticated and grown up, even if it was just a milky latte with sugary syrup. It was still the theory of coffee.

Now means: Something you drink to keep you from hurting people in the morning.

  1. Morning

Used to mean: 10 am, if you really had to get up that early.

Now means: The brutally painful, still-dark hours of 6 am, so you can hit the gym before work (you tell yourself, before you hit snooze until 8:05).

  1. Love life

Used to mean: The series of complicated flirting tactics you used in the middle of Econ to catch the eye of the hottie three seats down.

Now means: Lol, wut?

  1. Figuring It Out

Used to mean: Charismatically exploring all life has to offer.

Now means: Living in a constant, crippling fear of people asking you about your career and aforementioned love life.

  1. Dreams

Used to mean: Attainable by 25.

Now means: Attainable by 43. (Maybe.)

(Hopefully.)

Oh how life has changed, my friends.

But Do You Even Goosebump, Bro?

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Y’all, Goosebumps were the shiznit, and in my pubescent eyes, R.L. Stine was a literary genius. To say that I was a bit of a fan would be an understatement. A few months ago I was helping my mom clean out my parent’s basement–they’re in the process of moving and were in the ‘purge everything and anything’ stage–and we came across about five massive dusty bins full of Goosebump books (along with an Easy Bake Oven, Barbies, VHS tapes of old Disney and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies, board games and stuffed animals). They were my go-to reads throughout my elementary and middle school years. Just. So. Good.

Now, just reading the book jacket of a horror novel (Stephen King, I’m looking at you mister) or watching a scary movie trailer prevents me from sleeping for days weeks. But when I was a wee lass, I LOVED everything scary. Goosebumps were my introduction to the creepy-crawlies, the ghosts and goblins and monsters of the night. They were the perfect representation of the fears everyone faces, especially during those awkward pre-teen years (helllloooo first zits, first school dances, first kisses and first time you decide to get that perm. Yikes.).

In fact, I think that if Goosebumps were rewritten today with the adulting reader in mind, they’d be the perfect representation of the fears everyone faces (hellllooooo shitty WiFi connections, the scary price of extra guac, the world of Tinder and that second time you decide to get that perm. Yikes.).

Here are 10 Goosebumps books rewritten for the somewhat, maybe, sort of, kind of, but not really adulting adult.

1.Welcome to the Dead WiFi Zone. The Hansen family moves to dark Falls, and while meeting with a real estate agent, their dog Thunder immediately senses that something is just not right. The WiFi connection is less than 3 bars. Noooooooo!!!!!

2. Escape From That One Friend of Yours Who Always Asks If You’re Going To Watch Their Gig. Lizzy is rapidly running out of excuses to tell Luke why she can’t listen to his Bon Iver cover band play. Again.

3. Say Cheese and Die of Embarrassment Because You Just Got A Notification That You Were Tagged in 13 Photos On Facebook From Last Night. Apparently Chris has one too many Appletinis and decided to streak through a Target at 2 o’clock in the morning. He doesn’t know what is more terrifying: the fact that the internet has seen him in his birthday suit running through aisle 5, or that he was drinking Appletinis.

4. It Came From Beneath The Sink And You’re Not Fully An Adult So You’re Not Quite Sure How To Handle It, So For Now You’re Just NOT Going Into Your Kitchen. The first time Lindsay opened the cabinet under her sink, she saw a spider. To this day, she can’t go into her kitchen without silently screaming and has never been able to properly clean her countertops because the Lysol spray is in that cabinet and there is no way that Lindsay is opening that portal to hell ever again. Like. ever.

5. Monster Blood, Jungle Juice, And Other Sketchily Named Mixed Drinks That Make You Wake Up The Next Morning Regretting Every Decision You’ve Ever Made In Your Entire Life. Looking for fun, Jason decides to dabble with the greenish drink served at a party. His liver and memory inevitably beg him never to drink again. Until the next happy hour. Or 3 o’clock. Whichever comes first.

6.The Girl Who Cried “Wait, Don’t Eat That Just Yet, I Need To Take A Picture!” Kara is the type of girl who can observe when someone is just about to take a bite of food before she panics and makes them rearrange their plate so that she can Instagram it.

7. The Sunday Afternoon of Doom: The Pivotal Point When You Attempt to To Finish All The Work You Managed To Avoid The Entire Weekend. Jon is constantly forewarned to dedicate free time throughout the weekend to chipping away at the mountain of work he’s been assigned. He never listens (which is why he is starring down the barrel of an overflowing dirty laundry basket and kitchen sink).

8. Don’t Go To Sleep, Because Someone Could Text You Last Second And Ask If You Want To Spontaneously Go Do Something Really Cool (So You Should Totally Stare At Your Phone Until You Pass Out At 2AM).

Elyse is convinced tonight is probably the night that either Stephen or Michael are going to text her in a panic about having an extra ticket for something cool happening. There’s no way he can fall asleep. Think of the FOMO.

9. Return Of That Guy You Gave A Fake Number To That One Time But Now You’re Both At The Same Club.

Nothing compares to the level of panic Brittney feels when she realizes That Guy she gave a fake number to a couple of weeks ago is back in the same room as her and definitely recognizes her.

10. The Haunted Friendzone: When Your Crush Outright Tells You That You’re Like A Sibling To Them.

Wendi swears she’s cursed into this vortex where any guy she really likes always feels as though she’s “the sister they’ve never had.” No matter how many Easter Island emojis she sends them.

How to fake having your shtuff together

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I’m a big, huge, gigantic believer in the power of faking it till you make it. Feeling a tad grumpy cat? Slap a smile on your face and watch your day turn around almost instantaneously. Feeling those butterflies before a first date? Put on a killer pair of heels and that LBD and let your fantabulous self shine! Have absolutely no idea how to get that project your boss just assigned done? Yeahhh no okay, I’d maybe actually ask your boss how to get that project done.

There’s power in believing in yo’self. If you don’t feel confident, if you’re scared or nervous, pretending you are until you gain the skills, experience and confidence you need to overcome that bad day, first date, or work scenario is for real, for real.

Another area that faking it till you make it applies is when you don’t have all of your shtuff together. I’d like to think that I’m a pretty well put together, and somewhat functioning adulting gal. And for the most part I am–ish. Hahahaha! Totally kidding. I’m just kind of winging it as I go. Aren’t we all in some way? That’s what makes life so fun. Making mistakes, first laughing at yourself and then learning from them, forever growing and changing.

I do however enjoy putting out the impression that I in all actuality have my shtuff together from time to time. A little boost to the ‘ol ego never hurt anybody.

Here are 21 ways that you can effortlessly fake having your shtuff together.

  1. Drink designer, bottled mineral water. The harder the brand name is to pronounce, the stronger the illusion is you actually know what you’re doing with your life. Or, pull a me and just find a fancy shmancy water bottle and fill it with H2O from the tap.
  2. Use a planner. Okay, so you don’t even really have to even write in it, but if you can confidently and honestly say the words, “Let me see if I can (literally) pencil you in,” nobody will ever doubt you again.
  3. Sleep in pajama sets.
  4. Pull your comforter over your messy sheets so that it looks like you actually managed to make your bed.
  5. Own a coffee table book. Preferably one about coffee table books.
  6. Hang up to-do lists on your fridge of things you’ve already accomplished and cross those mothers off.
  7. Prop a yoga mat up against your dresser. Even if you have never or ever plan on taking a yoga class in your life.
  8. Own an iron. Even though you just use your hair straightener at the last minute when you realize how obvious the creases in your shirt are, owning an iron looks like you at least have minimal domestic capabilities.
  9. Read The Daily Beast’s Cheat Sheet or get The Skimm emailed to your inbox every morning, so that you gather a gist of what’s going on in the world, sans the hilariously amazing cat YouTube video you watched on the repeat for two hours. And only refer to the sources of your news knowledge as “this article I read.”
  10. Play classical music (the Harry Potter soundtrack totally works).
  11. Own a phone that doesn’t have a cracked screen.
  12. Ladies, match your undies to your bra. Even if no body knows but you (and your creepy AF neighbor who you caught looking through your window this morning), it’ll give you a much needed pep to your step.
  13. Drink wine out of a real wine glass instead of a mug.
  14. Own stationary. An elegant fountain pen is a plus.
  15. Read a book in public places—preferably a beaten up, softcover copy of something like Franny and Zooey. 100 bonus points if you do so wearing glasses and a scarf.
  16. Put spices and herbs into trendy mason jars. Sure, they won’t go well with the cereal you definitely eat almost every night out of a paper bowl (or box), but think of the **aesthetic.**
  17. Actually, even if you just own herbs and can identify them, you’re already impressive.
  18. Place some throw pillows on your couch. Avoid cushions with pom pom fringe.
  19. Have at least one decorative bowl in your house filled with lemons.
  20. At minimum, one potted plant (like a fern) should sit daintily on your windowsill. Confession: even my flowers are fake.

Trust me, guys. Fake it till you make it.

QOTD: What are some of the ways you FITYMI?

Things I Get Weirdly Excited About Buying As A [Somewhat] Functioning Adult

shopping-at-the-grocery-storeAm I the only one who breaks out into a sweat anytime I enter The Container Store?! I. Want. Just. All. Of. The. THINGS!!!

1.Towels

Dudes, there is nothing like a matching set of overpriced fluffy as hell towels that you personally, intentionally fold and artfully hang in your bathroom. Sometimes I stare at my bathroom (when it’s actually, you know, clean) and just feel so damn proud of how…real and grown up it looks. I just want to bring everyone who happens to come into my house over and show them, point at it and go, “Look how much of an adult I am! My bathroom is color coordinated! I spent way too much on those towels but they feel like the purest unicorn fur when I run them across my body and they match the fucking curtains!”

I don’t do this…but I want to. Man, do I want to.

2. Sheets

So basically, towels, but for your bed, and you know, less absorbent I guess. I think it’s pretty common knowledge that freshly cleaned sheets is one of the best things in the world (especially when combined with freshly shaven legs…mmmm) but this is further improved if the thread count is high (another important yet menial part of adulting happens to be understanding the importance of thread count, or at least pretending you do) and if they match the window curtains and rug. Toss in some useless pillows with rhinestones that could literally poke your eye out if you laid on it, and your metamorphosis is complete.

3. Couch pillows (or just pillows in general)

Never underestimate the power of a new pillow (minus the rhinestones) on your bed. It’s like resting your weary adult head on a beautiful sea of golden clouds. Also, there is something horribly satisfying about finding pillows that match your cheap second-hand couch somewhere and then victoriously arranging them on said shitty couch. Look at that ascetic! Look at that decorative freaking comfort! LOOK AT IT!!

Now buy an afghan and call it a day, you’ve done it: Ultimate Adulthood level reached!

4. Kitchen stuff

If someone told me at fourteen that I would be over-the-moon excited about a big electric mixer and a set of matching spatulas on Christmas morning, I would have thrown my emo-punk rock music collection directly in their faces. Then I probably would have run to my room and written really shitty poetry about the darkness in my heart, or something.

But I didn’t. Because guys, kitchen stuff is the bomb.com.

5. Books

‘Nuff said

6. Alcohol

Am I the only person who still feels weirdly like an imposter when perusing the whiskey section? Like my grandmother is going to come barreling around the corner and beat me with a wooden cooking spoon or something. There’s this weird sensation of getting away with something every time I make it through the checkout line and I just kind of look at my booze collection on top of the fridge when I get home and think –yes, yes I am a grown human with mind-addling liquids of my own, admire me!

And okay, so I don’t actually drink it most of the time. But it’s the idea behind it that counts, right? Right.

7. Silverware

Recently I got legitimately and disgustingly excited about buying a really ‘cool’ set of silverware at the store impromptu one day. Down with the sporks and in with the good stuff, baby!

8. Stuff that smells good

Laundry detergent, dryer sheets, air fresheners, wax-melty-thingys, candles, bath bombs, soap –God, I just want all the best smells in the world and I want to put them directly in my house all the time for always and forever and ever. Consequently I have way more air fresheners than any human being could possibly go through in three life times.

I’m now picturing my grandchildren unearthing a box of Febreeze bottles and passing them down to their children very ceremoniously (do those things have an expiration date? Huh, I wonder.)

9. Wine glasses

There is just something about those wine glasses, man. They instantly adult the shit out of my evening, even if I’m drinking chocolate milk out of them. Like, I feel the need to play classical music and sit near a fire (in the middle of an Arizona summer) while reading poetry to my dogs… or something.

10. Buying a whole cake for no reason

This is not something I do often (I’ve only done it twice), but let me tell you, it was worth it. There is something powerful about the realization that you can quite literally mosey on down to your local grocery store and buy a cake for no reason other than that you really want cake. It could even say freaking ‘Happy Birthday!’ on it and it wouldn’t matter, because no one is going to care, no one is going to question you. Then you can take yourself back home and eat it, eat it all, every piece, you don’t have to share with a single person, and no one is going to yell at you.

That’s a true taste of freedom, my friend.

QOTD: What are some of the things you get weirdly excited about buying?

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