My Awesomely Random Life (and Everything in Between)

Posts tagged ‘Awkward’

Confessions of an Over-thinker (Who’s Crushing Hard Core)

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It’s no secret that I tend to be one that overthinks thangs *from time to time.

*Read always. I always over-think thangs.

I also tend to turn into a **goober whenever I develop a new crush on someone.

**Read biggest. I turn into the biggest goober ever.

Combine these two stellar qualities and you get me, the World’s Most Awkward Dater everrrrr.

I tried contacting the folks at Guinness but apparently I was barely out-awkwarded by Mr. Avocado. I see you, buddy. And just know that I do not go down without fighting. Challenge accepted.

Here are just some of the things that happen when you’re an over-thinker who is crushing hardcore on someone.

1. Deny, deny, deny. You try to convince yourself you actually don’t. Because crushes are a damn commitment! And you certainly don’t have time for *feelings* and all the worrying that goes along with them. Nope. Noooo. You absolutely do NOT have a crush.

2. ….And then you see that perfect face and your heart is instantly pulverized into a mushy smoothie—Fine. Whatever. You might have a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy crush.

3. Making eye contact becomes a huge conscious effort. Because there’s some weird part of you that thinks, somehow, they will look at you and just KNOW. Your eyes will totally tell on you—“Hey you. Yeah you in the corner over there drinking PBR while watching the Brewers/Rockies game. I’ve got some juicy gossip. See this person? The one looking at you through me? He/she is soooo totally into you.”

4. You practice conversations in the shower. Or on your drive to work. Or just chilling in bed on a lazy Sunday. Basically any place that you’re guaranteed some privacy. You’re coming up with interesting topics to discuss, things to say to impress him/her, and testing out the perfect tone to casually (but not too casually) say: “Heyyy!”

5. But then you begin to worry that “Heyyy” sounds weirdly excited, “Hi” is too robotic and formal, “Whazzzupppp?!” is too Budweiser and “How are you?” is too invasive. You end up settling on a simple head nod.

6. Arggghh. You gave a fucking head nod??!!??

7. Investigate your crush online. And spend the next hour convinced you accidentally liked an Instagram photo from 56 weeks ago. You consider deleting all traces you ever existed on any social media account. EVER.

8. Orchestrate the perfect way to just accidentally run into this new crush. Oh, you go to this coffee shop/bar/grocery store too? That’s so weird. I had noooo idea.

9. But when you do see your crush, you totally clam up and don’t say anything. Mayyyybe squeak out a “good” when they say “What’s up?” and immediately want to die. Oh. My. God.

10. Realize that you definitely should have gone with “What’s up?” You gave a fucking head nod??!!??

11. You look for any possible sign feelings could be mutual. I mean, seriously, ANY sign. “He DEFINITELY lingered when handing me my coffee cup,” or “He said my name and kind of smiled when he said it, so that for surely means hhe likes me, right?!” 

12. Plan. Plan. Plan. The overthinker is crippled by the thought of anything remotely spontaneous. There needs to be something set in motion. And a Plan B. And C. Because oh my God, what if it all falls through? Many, many nights are just spent thinking and scheming.

13. If you happen to run into your crush while out with your friends, you work EXTRA hard to act cool and collected. Shut up, Wendi, don’t you dare give it away. Don’t giggle. And don’t you even think about doing that weird hair flip thing you do when you’re nervous. THEY WILL KNOW! Everything is fine. It’s easy breezy. Didn’t even seem him over there looking all ridiculously cute. Nope.

14. You create a playlist of songs that you imagine one day listening to together. Like a soundtrack to magically fall in love to. Would you like some macaroni with all that cheesy cheese fest, amiright? 

15. You spend an embarrassing amount of time scoping out anyone attractive who has commented on their pictures. Because it’s probably his sister. It’s his sister. Just tell me it’s his goddamn sister, okay????

16. You remember any little detail they provide. A favorite musician? You stored that info away for good. It’s in the vault. You probably even decided to check if there were going to be any shows in your area. That way you can casually mention it. Oh what? You already got tickets? And you have an extra one? I mean, yeah, it’s not a big deal though…

17. You become paranoid that they can actually hear your heat thump-thump-thumping in your chest. Or see the gigantic butterflies pterodactyls flying around in the pit of your stomach.

18. You stress, daydream, and above all else, remember that having a crush can kind sorta make you feel a little out of your mind—but for all of the right reasons.

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Awkward Turtle

Happy Monday, guys!

Boy do I have a doosie of a story to share with y’all today. But before I get into that, I just wanted to remind everyone that there is, drum roll please…

…..badabadabadabadabadabadabadabada…..

11 days left until I am here

eating this

sitting next to this guy

cheering on these guys

OPENING DAY!!!!

11 days.

But I digress. Back to my cray cray story. Today after I got done tutoring one of my students, I decided to make a quick pit stop at Starbucks for a little drink (I am such a dork–when everyone else was ordering their grandefrappamocholatewhips, I stuck with my carton of chocolate milk and a sugar cookie–I am quite the fancy pants as you can see) and to do a little writing. I was just getting settled into the corner spot, my favorite spot by the big window on the comfy sofa seat. I had my laptop opened and was just about to start tapping away when a guy in a blue polo shirt and jeans came walking over to my table. He was very tall and had a very Ralph Lauren look to him. Not going to lie, he wasn’t too hard on the eyes if you know what I mean. There were all the open seats to my left and all the open seats to my right, but as he walked over to my little corner, he decided to sit on the comfy sofa seat a direct 180 degrees, a mere three butt cheeks length away, from yours truly.

At first I didn’t really pay any attention to it; at least he smelled good–trust me, it would be a whole other story if his cologne of choice smelled like a mix of stinky feet and stale Cheetos. All of a sudden Mr. Lauren turned to look at me and said, “So you chose this spot?”

Sitting there in my finest of holey gym shorts and faded tank top, hair a mess and sweating like a pig (do pigs even sweat? I never got that expression), the first thing I thought was ‘Is this guy talking to me?’ After lingering there in the silence for a bit, awaiting my answer, I figured that he was. The second thing I thought was ‘This is a classic example of Bill Engvall’s “Here’s Your Sign”. Did I choose this spot? Well, seeing as I am, right this very instant, at this spot, I guess I did. Here’s your sign.

Not wanting to be rude, I answered him. “Yup. I did. Just doing some writing.”

Mr. Lauren then said, “I kind of thought this was the place, seeing as you live a few minutes away. I hope I’m not too early. It was 2:30, right?”

What. Was. This. Guy. Talking. About?

Just when I was about figure it all out, a girl came up from behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. “Excuse me miss, but I think ‘Tod’ thinks you are me.” I looked at Ralph, ah, I mean Tod, and he was beet red. I mean this poor guy was redder than the time I got sunburnt to a crisp in Vegas…and that’s saying something.  I felt so bad for him. Awkward turtle, you betcha!

Apparently, these two lovebirds met on Match.com and had planned to meet up for the first time today, at this very Starbucks. Now I don’t know much about online dating, but I would think that people share photos on these internet dating sites, right? If this assumption is correct, I don’t know what kind of pictures Ashley was displaying because I looked nothing like her. Not one inch of a bit. For one, she was slightly on the shorter side; she literally came up to my shoulder. She also had dark, dark hair, like Snow White black hair, and had a giant flower tattoo on her shoulder (which was pretty darn cool, by the way). How Tod thought that I was indeed Ashley still floors me, but it definitely makes for a great story. After Tod apologized profusely, both to me (formally known as Ashley) and to the real Ashley, they got up, went to the opposite side of the coffee shop and presumed, or started, their date.

As I finished off my chocolate milk (oh my gosh, I just realized that I totally probably had a milk mustache during this whole scene…ack.) and polished off the last few crumbs of my sugar cookie, I thought of, besides being NOT the one embarrassing themselves for once, how I possibly was responsible for a real love connection here, albeit a little weird, but maybe possibly could-be who-knows a real love connection. Ten years from now when little Suzie, Tod and Ashley’s daughter asks how mommy and daddy met, they can say that it all started with a little Starbucks, a little coffee and a little mistaken identity. Well slap a pair of wings on me and call me Cupid 😉

Have a great rest of your Monday everyone!

Question of the day: What is one of the most embarrassing situations that you have been witness to, NOT involving you?

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