My Awesomely Random Life (and Everything in Between)

Posts tagged ‘first dates’

Thoughts every girl has on a first date

Let’s talk dating, guys.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but just thinking about it makes me break out into hives. Dating in general is the fucking worst. And yet weirdly pretty damn awesome. And nerve-wracking. And just all of the awful. And pretty much the best thing ever.

And first dates?! Psh. Don’t even get me started. They’re a whole other beast, my friends.

A weird and awesome and nerve-wracking and awful and best-thing-ever beast. I think we’ve all been there before. We’ve all had that one first date that makes you want to crawl into your blanket fort and never, ever leave again. And we’ve also had that one first date that makes you ridiculously and annoyingly school-girl-crushy. That one first date that gives you hope, gives you just all of the butterflies pterodactyls, and makes you think that maybe, just maybe, this dating thang isn’t so bad.

First dates are arguably one of the most unique (read: awkward) experiences we will ever encounter, each complete with their own set of highs and lows, failures and successes. Take it from someone who has pretty much seen it all and then some.

To all of the fellas out there, listen up. I’m not necessarily speaking on behalf of all female datees out there, but generally speaking, here are just some of the many thoughts that will likely pass through our beautiful minds the next time you find yourself across the table from your next Sizzle date. (Yes, we now have a dating app for bacon lovers. This is a thing. An actual thing. Because ‘merrica. And because bacon.)

  • It’s 7:03pm. Does three minutes constitute as fashionably late?
  • Shit. This place looks really fancy. Should’ve maybe rethought the Ninja Turtle t-shirt.
  • No, it’s cool. I’ll look chill, like I just threw this on and looked effortlessly fabulous.
  • 7:06pm. All right, cover me. I’m going in.
  • Aw. He’s cute! From all the way over here at least.
  • I mean, he doesn’t look like a serial killer.

1

  •  He’s already sitting. Dammit! I needed to analyze his height compared to mine!
  • Handshake? Hug? Kiss on the cheek? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!!
  • Why am I so awkward? Like, I am the most awkward person ever. I should just go ahead and apologize to my date right now.
  • I’ve forgotten how to speak.
  • Say anything.
  • ANYTHING!

2

  • The weather? Really? That’s the best you could do?
  • Wait. It’s okay. He’s smiling. Just breathe.
  • You know what? He’s actually cuter in person. That’s an unexpected bonus I will gladly take.

3

  • Okay. Let’s cover the basics: work, hometown, college attended, siblings, favorite way to eat an Oreo.
  • Just pretend you don’t already know everything about him from stalking his social media. Act surprised!
  • Yep. Nope. Definitely acted way too surprised.
  • Oh thank God the waitress is here. Saved by the menu!
  • I’ll have everything in the “snacks” section. Self-control!

4

  • Umm, yes I’ll split the fries! I thought you’d never ask. #soulmates
  • This is going well.
  • Does he think it’s going well?
  • We’ve hardly had any awkward pauses.
  • Am I talking too much?
  • OMG he hates me.
  • Oh hot damn. The food’s here. Try not to look too excited.
  • Yep. Nope. Definitely looked way too excited.

5

  • Okay, it’s really hard to eat and avoid lulls in the conversation at the same time.
  • What if I’m an ugly eater?
  • I kind of have to pee.
  • Yep. Nope. I really have to pee!
  • DAMMIT WHY DID I WEAR A ROMPER??!! This is going to be at least a 20 minute ordeal.
  • I’m just going to hold it.
  • This dude’s pretty funny.
  • Wait, was that a joke? I don’t want to laugh if he was serious, and I can’t not laugh if he’s trying to be funny.
  • So the obvious solution is to make a creepy half-snort/half-grunt. Nice, Wendi. Nice.

6

  • Great! He’s going to the bathroom. Now, I can check my phone and actually eat my food in peace.
  • Wow! We survived made it through an hour already.
  • Selfie check! I still look cute.

7

  • Has he been in the bathroom a while?
  • Maybe he has stomach issues? Or he’s climbing out the window?
  • FUCK! He’s coming back. Don’t stare!
  • Hopefully he doesn’t notice I just shoved my face while he was gone.
  • Another drink? YAASSSS.

8

  • Is he playing footsie with me? Nope. That’s the guy at the table next to us. That’s not awkward at all.
  • I do think he’s flirting though. He’s laughing at all of my jokes. I’m not that funny.
  • Wait. What am I talking about? I’m fucking hilarious!
  • I kind of like this guy. But who am I to say, really? I def have to debrief w/ my BFF (and mom) later.
  • Oh shit! The bill. Dun, dun, dun.
  • Let me grab my purse and at least try to pay.
  • No, no, no. He just spent way too much money on me!
  • Awe!! But it was really sweet. Crap.
  • And he wants to drive/walk me home? SO SWEET! CRAPPPP!
  • I really do like him!
  • We’re getting really close to my building. What’s it gonna be??
  • Just be cool, Wendi. Stop doing that awkward thing you do with your hands and feet and just follow his lead.
  • There’s not even a name for the part of my face he kissed. Somewhere in the no man’s land between my cheek and my lips. Yep. That just happened.

9

  • Did he really mean “Let’s do this again soon”?
  • Going home and NOT recounting every last minute of this glorious night to my roomie dog while I wait for his text.
  • Yep. Nope. I totally am!!!

And this is why I don’t date, y’all.

This is why.

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Thoughts that every girl has on a first date

Let’s talk dating, guys.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but just thinking about it makes me break out into a glistening sweat. Dating in general can be weird. And awesome. And nerve-wracking. And awful. And pretty much the best thing ever. And first dates?! Psh. They’re a whole other beast.

A weird and awesome and nerve-wracking and awful and best-thing-ever beast. I think we’ve all been there before. We’ve all had that one first date that makes you want to crawl into your bookfort and never, ever leave again. And we’ve also had that one first date that makes you ridiculously and annoyingly school-girl-crushy. That one first date that gives you hope, gives you just all of the butterflies pterodactyls, and makes you think that maybe, just maybe, this dating thang isn’t so bad.

First dates are arguably one of the most unique (read: awkward) experiences we will ever encounter, each complete with their own set of highs and lows, failures and successes. Here are just some of the many thoughts that will likely pass through your mind the next time you find yourself across the table from a complete stranger who you met on Sizzl. (Yes, we now have a dating app for bacon lovers. This is a thing. An actual thing. And I kind of love it.)

  • It’s 7:03. Does three minutes constitute as fashionably late?
  • Crap. This place looks really fancy. I’m underdressed.
  • No, it’s cool. I’ll look chill, like I just threw this on and looked effortlessly fabulous.
  • 7:06. All right, cover me. I’m going in.
  • He’s cute, from all the way over here at least.
  • He doesn’t look like a serial killer.

1

  •  He’s already sitting. Dammit! I needed to analyze his height compared to mine!
  • Handshake? Hug? Kiss on the cheek? SOS!
  • Why am I so awkward? Like, I am the most awkward person ever. I should just go ahead and apologize to my date right now.
  • I’ve forgotten how to speak.
  • Say anything.
  • ANYTHING!

2

  • The weather? Really? That’s the best you could do?
  • Wait. It’s okay. He’s smiling. Just breathe.
  • You know what? He’s actually cuter in person. That’s an unexpected bonus I will gladly take.

3

  • Okay. Let’s cover the basics: work, hometown, college attended, siblings, favorite way to eat an Oreo.
  • Just pretend you don’t already know everything about him from stalking his social media. Act surprised!
  • Yep. Nope. Definitely acted too surprised.
  • Oh thank God the waitress is here. Saved by the menu!
  • I’ll have everything in the “snacks” section. Self-control!

4

  • Umm, yes I’ll split the fries! I thought you’d never ask. #soulmates
  • This is going well.
  • Does he think it’s going well?
  • We’ve hardly had any awkward pauses.
  • Am I talking too much?
  • OMG he hates me.
  • Oh phew. The food’s here. Try not to look too excited.
  • Yep. Nope. Definitely looked too excited.

5

  • Okay, it’s really hard to eat and avoid lulls in the conversation at the same time.
  • What if I’m an ugly eater?
  • I kind of have to pee.
  • Yep. Nope. I really have to pee!
  • DAMMIT WHY DID I WEAR A ROMPER??!!
  • I’m just going to hold it.
  • This dude’s pretty funny.
  • Wait, was that a joke? I don’t want to laugh if he was serious, and I can’t not laugh if he’s trying to be funny.
  • So the obvious solution is to make a creepy half-snort/half-grunt. Nice, Wendi. Nice.

6

  • Great! He’s going to the bathroom. Now, I can check my phone and actually eat my food in peace.
  • Wow! We survived made it through an hour already.
  • Selfie check! I still look cute.

7

  • Has he been in the bathroom a while?
  • Maybe he has stomach issues? Or he’s climbing out the window?
  • Crap! He’s coming back. Don’t stare!
  • Hopefully he doesn’t notice I just shoved my face while he was gone.
  • Another drink? YAASSSS.

8

  • Is he playing footsie with me? Nope. That’s the guy at the table next to us. Cool.
  • I do think he’s flirting though. He’s laughing at all of my jokes. I’m not that funny.
  • Wait. What am I talking about? I’m fricking hilarious!
  • I kind of like this guy. But who am I to say, really? I def have to debrief w/ my BFF (and mom) later.
  • Oh shit! The bill. Dun, dun, dun.
  • Let me grab my purse and at least try to pay.
  • No, no, no. He just spent way too much money on me!
  • Awe!! But it was really sweet. Crap.
  • And he wants to drive/walk me home? SO STINKIN’ SWEET! CRAPPPP!
  • I really do like him!
  • We’re getting really close to my building. What’s it gonna be??
  • Just be cool, Wendi. Stop doing that awkward thing you do with your hands and feet and just follow his lead.
  • There’s not even a name for the part of my face he kissed. Somewhere in the no man’s land between my cheek and my lips. Yep. That just happened.

9

  • Did he really mean “Let’s do this again soon”?
  • Going home and NOT recounting every last minute of this glorious night to my roomie dog while I wait for his text.
  • Yep. Nope. I totally am!!!

20 Vital and Absolutely Necessary Questions to Ask on a First Date

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So you’re going on a first date with that super cute guy/girl from your office. Supe’s exciting!!!! But before we get too ahead of ourselves, let’s run through the dating check-list, shall we?

You’ve showered.

You’ve picked out the winning outfit that screams “Oh this old thing? I just threw it together.” *You actually spent 59 minutes tornadoing through your closet and after realizing that you literally didn’t have anything to wear, you made a last minute trip to Target, spending last week’s pay check on just all of the things.

You’ve blushed, bronzed, polished, shaved, waxed and groomed. You’ve used so much hair product and perfume/cologne that it would be well advised not to get within 50ft. of any flames. You want to look hot, but like, not ‘caught on fire’ hot.

You’re ready to do this thing!

But wait just a second.

What happens when you actually get there? You’re going to that new pizza place downtown so there will definitely be eating  involved (oh, there will be eating), and probably a few drinks. But at some point, there’s going to be a time when you’re mouth isn’t stuffed with pepperoni deliciousness, when your Diet Coke is awaiting a refill, when you actually, gasp, have to make some kind of conversation.

I know.

I KNOW!

But don’t you fret, my friends. I got you.

First dates, to me, can be both equal parts nerve-wracking, exciting and to be honest, kind of boring. As we discussed here, there is a sort of formula that first dates follow. More often than not, this formula consists of a cheesy movie, followed by an even cheesier dinner (especially if you’re eating at that new pizza place downtown–they do NOT skimp on the fresh mozz, let me tell you!) and then a series of pre-planned, standardized, get-to-know-each-other questions ala “What do you do?”, “Where did you grow up?” and “What kinds of music do you like to listen to?” (among others).

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with breaking the ice with these kinds of questions, there’s also nothing too terribly exciting about them either. If first dates are a time when you’re supposed to find out if you and your potential SO have anything in common, if you are compatible, if you agree on the really important things in life, than shouldn’t you be asking the hard-hitting questions instead? I mean, this could be the person you end up spending the rest of your life with!

Or at the very least your Friday night (which is precious prime Netflix/ ice cream and book-a-thon time, mind you).

The following is a list of the 20 vital and absolutely necessary questions you should be asking on your next first date:

1. How many times a day do you try and use The Force?

2. Gun to your head, you must choose one: Oreos or Chips-a-Hoy?

3. What’s your opinion on sweatpants?

4. So, do you cheat when playing Monopoly most of the time or all of the time?

5. Are you more of a Chandler, Ross or Joey?

6. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you drench your pancakes in syrup? (1 being “a lot” and 10 being “syrup with a side of pancakes.”)

7. On average, how many hashtags do you include on an Instagram photo?

8. Who’s your favorite Game of Thrones character? Jon Snow? Or Jon Snow?

9. At what point in the afternoon do you change out of your pajamas?

10. Who are your favorite celebrity twins and roughly how many days has it been since you last watched Passport to Paris?

11. Was Leo still in a dream at the end of Inception?

12. How many sauce packets do you ask for with an order of chicken nuggets?

13. Which Disney villain would you play tetherball with?

14. Favorite Starburst color on three. One, two, YELLOW!

15. Do you dogear your book pages?

16. What’s your go-to ugly car dancing and karaoke jam?

17. Would you say that Cloris Leachman is basically Betty White’s rebellious cousin?

18. You spot a terrifying spider the size of a small burrito a foot away from you. How do you react?

19. Speaking of burritos…what would you include in your ultimate tortilla-blanketed masterpiece?

20. Do you mind if I have that last piece of pizza?

So there you have it, folks.

The ultimate (and tres important) list of vital and absolutely necessary questions to ask on a first date.

Now go forth, use The Force, and make me proud!

And if you can, snab me a slice or two! 😉

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