The Most Beautiful Bonus

When I first my amazing fiancé Mike just over three years ago, one of the things he was so incredibly proud to share with was me was that he was a dad to two equally amazing kiddos — Lucy and Jude.

I won’t lie, friends.

I was a little intimidated.

Okay, a lot.

I was a lot intimidated.

I love kids. Huge fan of tiny humans. And even pictured myself having one or two of my own some day. But at the time, I wasn’t sure I was ready, equipped, prepared for what that might mean. Would they even like me?

These were all questions that rumbled through my head and heart.

But then I went and kinda sorta really fell in love with Mike…on our second date lol. And all of those thoughts flew out the proverbial window because I knew these incredible kiddos were going to be a part of my life.

I remember the first time I met them.

Mike and I had talked seriously about when the perfect time would be to make this most special of introductions. As a parent, you want to protect your kids’ hearts as much as possible. I didn’t want Mike to ever feel rushed or under a certain timeline. I wanted it to be right. For all parties involved.

We decided about five months into seriously dating that I would come over to their apartment for breakfast.

Oh my goodness, when I tell you how insanely nervous I was. I wanted them to like me so badly. Mike was quickly becoming the most important person in my life, and I was getting to meet the most important people in his. This was a huge moment. I didn’t want to screw things up.

As soon as I walked in carting my homemade banana bread (which the kids still talk about to this day, ha!), I instantly felt like I was home.

They were seriously the sweetest, kindest, and most inquisitive kids that I had ever met. Truly an extension of Mike. Lucy walked up to me, after having only known me for exactly 2.5 seconds, gave me a big hug, and said, “We finally get to meet the person that dah can’t stop smiling about.”

A puddle.

I melted right then and there.

It’s been three years since these amazing kiddos became such a big part of my life.

Three years since I’ve taken on the most special role I’ve held to date: Bonus Mom. (My incredible mother-in-law told me one time that I’m not a stepmom, I’m a bonus mom and it completely changed how I felt and viewed my role in their lives.)

Three years of learning, growing, adapting, trying to find my way in this very unique dynamic.

If I’m being completely honest (which I will always be with you), it hasn’t always been easy.

Coming into an established family is hard. It’s really hard.

These four people — Mike, the kids, and their biological mom, were a family unit at one point. They shared a life together, memories together, laughter and love together. It can feel sometimes like you’re the odd dock out. Even now, after all of this time, I do have moments where I think about all the time I missed out on, the things they (collectively) have that I will never be a part of.

Another thing? I don’t quite know my place sometimes.

They already have a mom. One who loves them very, very much. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for a parent to have their kids being partly raised by another woman. Everything I do, every decision I make on behalf of the kids, is lead with thoughts of empathy and respect because of that. But I also want her to know that I love them as if they were my own. I may not have given them the gift of this life, but life absolutely gave me the gift of them.

I will never, ever replace her, but I will always be the first person to give them guidance, support, advice, an overabundance of love, and will do I everything I can to make sure they’re happy and healthy.

Being a bonus mom can also feel a little lonely.

When I’m having a bad day, am doubting my parenting skills, or there is particular tension or disagreements with the other half of the co-parenting unit, I don’t really know who to talk to, to vent to, to ask questions, and get advice from. Mike is wonderful, and is always there to talk through things with me, of course. But sometimes I would love to get an outside perspective, someone who isn’t so close to the situation. There just aren’t a lot of people who share this unique position, and as such, I’ve had to really learn as I go.

But I guess that’s being a parent in general, huh? You will doubt yourself. You will wonder if you’re doing it “right.” You will probably make mistakes along the way, and get lost, and constantly worry about them (CONSTANTLY!) and will call your mom in tears, asking her, “How did you do thisssssssss?!”

And you know what?

That’s okay.

It’s all a part of the journey that’s distinctly unique to you.

I think one of the biggest lessons that I’ve learned so far, however, has been one of humility.

There is a level of selflessness that comes when you are caring for another human (or humans). When you once had all the time in the world to do whatever your heart’s content, you are now a full-time chauffer, cook, homework helper, laundry queen, counselor, and sometimes, disciplinarian (although, woof, I am realllllllllllly, really not good at that part lol).

And sometimes, all of those things don’t get appreciated, at least as outwardly as you’d think or would like.

This is also something that makes me especially grateful to my parents for (besides really just being the GREATEST examples of what loving, supportive, caring, thoughtful and the best parents should be. Thank you, mom and dad. A million times thank you.). They did so much for my sister and I when we growing up. SO. MUCH. They still do. And I’m discovering that as a parent, bonus or biological, you don’t do these things to get recognition (although anytime the kids thank me for taking them to practice or making them cookies, I melt all over again). You do them, because you love them. You want them to have a full and beautiful life. You want them to grow and develop and become well-rounded young adults. You want them to be happy.

So yes, being a bonus mom can be hard. Heck, being a parent can be hard.

But it can also be the most wonderful thing you will ever do.

Being a part of Lucy and Jude’s lives, and creating our own little family unit that is so full of love, has been the greatest thing I will ever do.

Mike and I are a team. A pretty fantastic team, if I do say so myself. And I love, more than anything, raising Lucy and Jude together.

Helping to shape their outlook on life.

Guiding them through the messy bits, the hard bits, the uncertainty and doubt.

Celebrating their wins, their accomplishments, the times they were afraid but did the dang thing anyway.

The smiles, the hugs, the laughter, and heart talks.

These are the things that make everything worth it.

So no, I’m not a regular mom.

I’m a bonus mom.

And I think that’s really freaking cool.