Last night as I was finishing up some book cataloging (it’s a super sexy job, but somebody’s got to do it) in the library, a patron came up to my desk, looked me straight in my cat-eye glasses and delivered this gem of a line:
“Girl, you must be an overdue library book, because you have fine written all over you.”
Oh no he didn’t!
Oh. But he unfortunately did.
At first I laughed because a) I thought he was joking (he must have been joking, right?) and b) the level of sheer mac ‘n cheese that went along with this avid attempt at flirting was HIL-ARIOUS. But when he went on to give me his number, I realized that nope, he was not joking. And then of course I proceeded to laugh all over again because I have this thing where I get the uncontrollable giggles whenever I’m in an incredibly awkward or uncomfortable situation. It’s a real problem, guys.
I’ve heard and been the recipient of my fair share of corny, roll-your-eyes-are-you-kidding-me pick-up lines. But this? This one takes the cake and ice cream on the side.
And while he does get some kudos for attempting to grab my attention with a pick-up line of literary prowess, it fell a bit short in terms of creativity. I mean, “…you must be an overdue library book, because you have fine written all over you”?
Don’t get me wrong; in the right light with the perfect delivery, pick-up lines can work. And when I say work, I mean that they’re so humorous and out there and completely and utterly random that you can’t help but laugh and applaud the girl or guy who came up with it AND had the courage to actually use it. At the very least, a good pick-up line can make for an excellent ice breaker. The key however for any pick-up line to work is to suit it to the person you’re in fact, trying to pick-up. Anyone can “Are you tired cuz you’ve been running through my mind all night long” it, but it takes serious thought and consideration to personalize the pick-up line. Figure out what their interests are, what their job is, etc. and play on those things.
Can’t figure out what to say?
Hakuna matata, friends. I’ve come up with some real
wieners winners to help get you started.
For the reader:
1. I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I’m just going to say it: I’m Wilde about you.
2. You can call me Ishmael. But when I can I call you?
3. It’s no wonder Big Brother’s watching you. On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re 1984.
For the sports fan:
1. Oh, you definitely must play football because you’ve got a tight end.
2. I hope you’re good at catching fly balls because I’m really starting to fall for you.
3. Do you have a jersey? Because I’m gonna need your name and number.
For the computer geek:
1. Is your name Wi-fi? Because I think I’m really feeling a connection.
2. Is your name Google? Because you’ve got everything I’ve been searching for.
3. Are you a computer keyboard? Because you’re so definitely my type.
For the foodie:
1. Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you’ve got a really sweet bum.
2. Your name must be Ben (or Jerry) because all I want to do is spoon you.
3. I’d be your sous-chef any day of the week.
For the musician:
1. You had me at cello.
2. I C Major potential in us getting together.
3. The Proclaimers would walk 500 miles to “come back home to you,” but I’ll do you one better. I’ll sit through an entire Nickelback concert.
The next time you see Mr./Miss Right starring at you from across the room, grab one of these obviously amazing pick-up lines, walk on over there and go for it! You might end up having the most epic “how I met your mother” stories to share with your future children one day. Well, that or he/she will come down with fits of uncontrollable giggles (it’s a real problem, guys).
But either way, you can take pride in knowing that you seriously upped your pick-up line **game.
**The level of cheese that that game is can be left up to interpretation.