My Awesomely Random Life (and Everything in Between)

Posts tagged ‘Funny stories’

You Have The Right to Remain Silent

Happy hump day folks!

Gosh this week is just flying by!

So I’ve got a question for you all…have you ever been so surprised and shocked at something that you literally started sweating in places you didn’t even know you could sweat? So surprised and shocked that your heart  was thump-a-thump-thumping right out of your chest? So surprised and shocked that any and all breath was taken right out of your lungs?

I can probably count on my hands and feet how many times I have felt such a feeling (the last few games of the National League Championship last year when the Brewers were inching towards the worlds series, the bathtub scene in The Shining, and the time I literally drove through a tornado all come to mind) and earlier today would qualify as one of those times.

Let me explain.

My friend’s Chris and Alan, whom I met a few years ago at my local gym, decided to pull a huge prank on yours truly today, one that was pretty darn good I have to say, but one that left me shaking in my tennis shoes. I guess it all started last week when we were having a heated discussion about the upcoming baseball season. As suspected, Chris and Alan are Atlanta Braves all the way and dog on me whenever possible about being a Yankee-fied Brewer’s fan. Don’t worry though; I definitely can hold my own when it comes to backing my team up, especially seeing as the Brewers have dominated the latter for the last few years and are spotted to do the same this year. I aptly reminded them that compared to the rest of the teams in the MLB, the Brewers were ranked far better in all categories; defense (especially fielding percentages which outshone the Braves by 8%), record (last year the Brewers won a total of 97 games whereas the Braves only won 87) and of course offense (bat-to-ball ratios, times at bat and hits all scoring well above the Braves averages). Apparently they didn’t like that so much.

Today while I was getting my sweat on, these two schemers planned. And schemed. And planned some more.

After I got done, I grabbed my things, said goodbye to the guys and was just about to leave when they asked me to hang out for a bit. I should have noticed then that something was up because they seemed a bit nervous. They tempted me with a free smoothie (again, I should have noticed something was up because even though I love these guys, they are the cheapest dudes I have ever met–I’m talking split-the-check-to-the-nearest-french-fry-anytime-we-go-out cheap). I do love a good smoothie so I followed them next door and got our drink on. And you bet I took every advantage of this opportunity–I got the biggest smoothie there was with every imaginable fruit and yogurt add-in I could. A girl’s got to milk it while she can, ya know?! Little did I know that while I was enjoying my delicious strawberrybananakiwimangopineapplecoconutpeanutbutter concotion, they were stalling for time.

After our drinks were sucked dry, I was finally ‘allowed’ to head on out. I thanked Chris and Alan for the smoothies (suspicious as I was) and made my way to my car. I was sitting in my seat, responding to a text I had gotten a few minutes previous when all of a sudden a police officer came walking towards my car. He was in full uniform and had a stern look on his face. He walked up to my door and tapped on the window. Needless to say, I was sweaty, heart-thumpy, loss-of-breathed shocked and surprised.

“Excuse me ma’am. But can you step out of your vehicle please?” asked the officer.

Um. Um. Um.

Good thing I just annihilated a giant smoothie and had a lot of energy because my mind was running a mile a minute. I instantly thought about what was wrong with my car. Were my plates expired? No. I just got them renewed. Was he citing me for not having a front plate (the darn plate-sticky thing broke a few years ago and because it’s a VW, it needs a specific plate-sticky thing and I just never got around to ordering one). No that can’t be it either because in Georgia, a front plate isn’t required. And I definitely know I wasn’t speeding. I was parked for golly’s sake.

I opened my door and obligingly stepped out of my car. As I looked at the officer, he seemed so familiar for some reason, that I had seen him before but I couldn’t place him.

I am not going to lie. I was scared. I have never been involved with the cops before–with the exception of that time in college that me and a couple of my friends were given a warning for having a snowball fight (a snowball fight!! Can you believe such craziness?!).  Oh, and that time that I was pulled over for having a broken tail light (but I was only given a verbal warning to get it changed ASAP).

As I stood their, anticipating what this officer was going to do and say next, he tapped his hat (which he totally stole from Indiana Jones by the way), he said, “Ma’am, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can or will be used against you in a court of law.”

WHHHAAAATTTTTT??????!!!!!!!?????

Is this really happening?????!!!!????

“You are a Brewers fan, correct?” he went on.

Well, seeing as I have a VW bug that is literally blinged out in Brewers everything, including personalized plates that say BREWRGRL, no. I am not a Brewers fan.

DUH!

“Yes, sir I am, ” I replied, still confused as ever.

“Did you know that living in the state of Georgia and not being a Braves fan is considered a criminal offense and is punishable by law?”

That is when I saw Chris and Alan peering from behind the corner of the building, laughing their asses off. The officer then smiled and said, “You just got owned!”

And owned I did.

The reason I recognized Officer Thompson was because he was a regular at the gym. My gym. He was also friends with Chris and Alex, the very Chris and Alex who got Thompson to pull such a mean and awful and crazy and totally amazing prank on me. After my heart slowed down and I could breath again, I couldn’t help but give them a round of applause. Ashton Kutcher, you seriously had nothing on these guys. Punked what? Well done guys, well done.

This is where I have to ask you all for a huge favor. I have to come up with something epic to get back at these guys with. The biggest prank I have ever pulled involved rubber spiders and super glue. Needless to say, I really need your help. If you have any ideas, please PLEASE leave a comment or let me know! Revenge is sweet my friends. Watch out Chris and Alex….you are SO going down!

Question of the day: Have you ever been pranked? Pulled a prank on someone else?

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Awkward Turtle

Happy Monday, guys!

Boy do I have a doosie of a story to share with y’all today. But before I get into that, I just wanted to remind everyone that there is, drum roll please…

…..badabadabadabadabadabadabadabada…..

11 days left until I am here

eating this

sitting next to this guy

cheering on these guys

OPENING DAY!!!!

11 days.

But I digress. Back to my cray cray story. Today after I got done tutoring one of my students, I decided to make a quick pit stop at Starbucks for a little drink (I am such a dork–when everyone else was ordering their grandefrappamocholatewhips, I stuck with my carton of chocolate milk and a sugar cookie–I am quite the fancy pants as you can see) and to do a little writing. I was just getting settled into the corner spot, my favorite spot by the big window on the comfy sofa seat. I had my laptop opened and was just about to start tapping away when a guy in a blue polo shirt and jeans came walking over to my table. He was very tall and had a very Ralph Lauren look to him. Not going to lie, he wasn’t too hard on the eyes if you know what I mean. There were all the open seats to my left and all the open seats to my right, but as he walked over to my little corner, he decided to sit on the comfy sofa seat a direct 180 degrees, a mere three butt cheeks length away, from yours truly.

At first I didn’t really pay any attention to it; at least he smelled good–trust me, it would be a whole other story if his cologne of choice smelled like a mix of stinky feet and stale Cheetos. All of a sudden Mr. Lauren turned to look at me and said, “So you chose this spot?”

Sitting there in my finest of holey gym shorts and faded tank top, hair a mess and sweating like a pig (do pigs even sweat? I never got that expression), the first thing I thought was ‘Is this guy talking to me?’ After lingering there in the silence for a bit, awaiting my answer, I figured that he was. The second thing I thought was ‘This is a classic example of Bill Engvall’s “Here’s Your Sign”. Did I choose this spot? Well, seeing as I am, right this very instant, at this spot, I guess I did. Here’s your sign.

Not wanting to be rude, I answered him. “Yup. I did. Just doing some writing.”

Mr. Lauren then said, “I kind of thought this was the place, seeing as you live a few minutes away. I hope I’m not too early. It was 2:30, right?”

What. Was. This. Guy. Talking. About?

Just when I was about figure it all out, a girl came up from behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. “Excuse me miss, but I think ‘Tod’ thinks you are me.” I looked at Ralph, ah, I mean Tod, and he was beet red. I mean this poor guy was redder than the time I got sunburnt to a crisp in Vegas…and that’s saying something.  I felt so bad for him. Awkward turtle, you betcha!

Apparently, these two lovebirds met on Match.com and had planned to meet up for the first time today, at this very Starbucks. Now I don’t know much about online dating, but I would think that people share photos on these internet dating sites, right? If this assumption is correct, I don’t know what kind of pictures Ashley was displaying because I looked nothing like her. Not one inch of a bit. For one, she was slightly on the shorter side; she literally came up to my shoulder. She also had dark, dark hair, like Snow White black hair, and had a giant flower tattoo on her shoulder (which was pretty darn cool, by the way). How Tod thought that I was indeed Ashley still floors me, but it definitely makes for a great story. After Tod apologized profusely, both to me (formally known as Ashley) and to the real Ashley, they got up, went to the opposite side of the coffee shop and presumed, or started, their date.

As I finished off my chocolate milk (oh my gosh, I just realized that I totally probably had a milk mustache during this whole scene…ack.) and polished off the last few crumbs of my sugar cookie, I thought of, besides being NOT the one embarrassing themselves for once, how I possibly was responsible for a real love connection here, albeit a little weird, but maybe possibly could-be who-knows a real love connection. Ten years from now when little Suzie, Tod and Ashley’s daughter asks how mommy and daddy met, they can say that it all started with a little Starbucks, a little coffee and a little mistaken identity. Well slap a pair of wings on me and call me Cupid 😉

Have a great rest of your Monday everyone!

Question of the day: What is one of the most embarrassing situations that you have been witness to, NOT involving you?

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