“Life’s tough; get a helmet.”
Okay, so I technically learned that from watching Boy Meets World on the repeat
when I was 15 yesterday. But Eric Matthews was right. Life is though. It’s so incredibly exciting and amazing and surprising and ridiculously awesome. But it can also most definitely be tough.
In my 28 years thus far, here are some of the stupidly useful things I’ve learned about life that have helped me get through those tough times looking somewhat less stupid.
- Opening a credit card in order to build up your credit is a smart thing to do. But you’ll probably get turned down multiple times because you don’t have any credit yet. Welcome to adulting my friends.
- Speaking of finances, having a separate savings account for money that you will have to spend on other people’s weddings and/or baby showers seems, at times, more fiscally practical than starting a 401K.
- When you’ve finally, FINALLY achieved an empty inbox, do not forget to celebrate the blissful beauty of it all. Because it will only last for eleven seconds before you get a spam email offering half-priced coupons for motor oil and a free consultation with a psychic reader.
- Ads that pop up on the side of your Facebook page function as both a way to sell products and as a way to shame you for their weird Google searches you’ve made recently.
- Frozen knock-off grocery store brand pizza and a Die Hard DVD are the only ways to have a successful New Year’s Eve.
- If someone says, “Deep down, he/she is a good person,” it means that person actually sucks.
- If someone says, “That’s hilarious” after you tell them a story, they weren’t listening to anything you just said.
- Your relationship will reach a new level of intimacy when you eat a burrito in front of your SO without thinking twice about how unattractive you look with guac and beans all over your face.
- The person who says they’ll only eat one piece of pizza when you’re putting in the group order is actually the one you have to watch out for. “I’ll just have one little piece.” NO YOU WILL NOT KAREN YOU LIAR!
- If you’re ever feeling down about your relationship, turn on HGTV for a few minutes and watch unhappy couples passive-aggressively speak to each other while trying to conceal their rage. It’ll make you feel just soooo much better.
- Don’t wear unique or recognizable shoes to work. Your coworker in the stall next to you will know that you’re the one “keeping up your regularity” in there and no one wants that. No one.
- When I drink coffee, I either get too ambitious and try to drink it while it’s molten lava hot, or I wait too long and it’s cold. There is no in between.
- “One more episode” is universal for five more episodes.
- If your friend texts you that they’re ten minutes away, they just got out of the shower.
- Marilyn Monroe did not say nearly as many of those quotes as I thought she did.
- Hanger is not joke, guys. It’s a very real thing with very real consequences (just ask those poor HGTV couples). The only way to fight it is to order a large rotisserie chicken as an appetizer when you go out to dinner with friends.
- Speaking of food, pasta is the only home-cooked meal that you can absolutely not. f*ck. up.
- If you screw up pasta, give up cooking forever and go home. If you’re already in your home, find a new home.
- Appreciate the leggings-are-pants trend for as long as you possibly can. You’ll never know the good you had right in front of you until it’s gone.
- Sneezing while driving is the most terrifying experience anyone will ever, ever, ever have.
- On a similar page, trying to take off your jacket while driving is the most ridiculously difficult thing you will ever, ever, ever do.
- If you decide to talk on the phone on public transportation, just know that ever person is listening (and now knows the real reason why Jack/Jill broke up with you. You were just too damn hangry, weren’t you?)
- Receiving mail with a hand-written address on the front is one of the most exciting things in the world! But it will end up being a “time to make your yearly appointment” reminder from your dentist.
- If someone is telling you a story and you accidentally zone out, just say, “That’s hilarious!”
- There is nothing, NOTHING, that a bowl of ice cream can’t fix/cure. I’m pretty sure it’s science.
QOTD: What are some of the stupidly useful things you’ve learned about life so far?