My Awesomely Random Life (and Everything in Between)

Posts tagged ‘Barnes & Noble’

Oh No He Di-int!

Oh no he di-int!

Oh yes. He did.

Let this be a lesson to all you guys and gals out there…cheesified pick-up lines are all of the worst! ALL of the worst.

Despite our favorite movies seemingly getting away with murder when it comes to using these oh so corny pick-up lines…and having them actually work…


“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.”

The Hangover:

“Maam, in the leopard print dress, you have an amazing rack.”

Jerry Maguire:

“We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You complete me.”


“Wanna play a game? You can be Little Red Riding Hood and I’ll be the Big Bad Wolf.”

…and of course one of my favorites…

Austin Powers:

“Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.”

…they never seem to come off as well in real life.

Case and point.

Today I was met with one of my tutoring students for our last session of the year. We decided to meet up at my home away from home, Barnes & Noble. I thought I’d go a bit early to do some reading and browsing before our session began. Not sure if I have told y’all this before, but I think I could live in B&N. Seriously. I mean, they’ve got basically all the necessities a gal like me would ever need and want: books upon books upon books upon books, a lovely–and clean–bathroom, food and drinks (thank you Starbucks), comfy sofas and chairs, a great selection of tunes and movies and did I mention books upon books upon books upon books? Add a shower (even my rosehip scented self might start to get a bit funky after a few days) and I would never have to leave.

Right when I got there, I hit up the clearance section. I am always one for a great deal and with great page-turners up to 50% off, you can’t go wrong! I was admiring a photography book when a guy came up from across the aisle and said hi.

“Hey there. What’s your name darling?” the guy asked.

I am not going to lie. I don’t know if it was because this fellow held a striking resemblance to a young Christopher Walken (I’ve always found him kinda creepy–great actor, but kinda creepy) or the way he said ‘darling’, but I felt a little weirded out.

“Hey. I’m Wendall.” Whenever I come across young Christopher Walken look-a-likes, which strangely happens more than you think, I always use my alias, Wendall Henson. I told you…he just gives me the creepy-creeps.

“Well it’s sure nice to meet you, Wendall. The name’s Charlie, but everybody calls me Chip for short.”

How Chip is short for anything but Potato or Chocolate, I don’t know, but we are talking about C. Walken’s twin here…anything is possible.

I smiled politely and started to escape make my way to the next aisle when Chip stopped me in my tracks.

Darn it all to heck. So close.

“I see you were looking at that book on horses. Do you ride?”

“Actually,” I said, “it was a really cool book on animal photography, but yes, I do ride. I mean, I don’t have a horse or anything. But I have ridden. And I like to ride. Do you?”

Chip smiled and said, “I sure do. I even got to ride them on the beach last year when I was in California,” or should I say ‘Californeeea’.

“Wow. That must have been really cool. I have got to say, I am a bit jealous.” Which I was. Ever since seeing the movie The Black Stallion, I wanted to that boy…although maybe with a saddle–bareback is a major pain in the butt…literally.

Then good ‘ol Chip laughed and…are you ready for it…laid this gem of a line on me…

“Jealous? Why? That I wasn’t riding you?”


Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross X a bajillion gross!

I threw up in my mouth. Threw times.

I can’t believe he said that! I mean, really?! Seriously?! Did he think that would work? I think I would have had an easier time falling for this…


“Theres no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless youre into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. Im just kidding. But seriously, Ive got em.”

Good grief. Although I have got to hand it to him, the Chipster had moxy. Maybe a lot little too much moxy, but he had it alright. It’s safe to say that Charlie and I won’t be riding off into the sunset together anytime soon, or ever preferably, but he sure did make me laugh.

When I met with Dan for our last tutoring session, the first thing I did was teach him the art of the successful pick-up line. After all, who needs English and Reading Comprehension when you’ve got moves like Jagger? 🙂

Question of the day: What is the worst pick-up line that you’ve used? Was used on you?



Friday Funnies

As my former middle school (word up to all my former Fighting Highlanders!)Principal used to yell over the loud-speaker every Friday morning….


Whoop whoop!

Does anyone have any fun plans for the weekend? I don’t know about you, but I have a hot date planned tomorrow night at Barnes & Noble, just me, myself and I. Oh and my nook and a big ‘ol one of these babies:

I only wish you could see the smile that was on my face. Although my mouth was full of bagely goodness and I don't know about you, but I am not necessarily a fan of see-food 😉

Oh. My. Bagely goodness! If you have not had a cinnamon crunch bagel from Panera Bread, you simply have not lived, my friends. I have been one with the bagel for quite some time now, but have just recently discovered this wonderfully doughy and sweet and all-around amazeballs confection last week. It tastes like a mix between french toast and a cinnamon roll with white chocolate chips mixed into the already heavily bunch. YUM! Let me tell you, once you devour this snack, you won’t go back! Is it fate that two of my loves, Barnes & Noble AND Panera Bread are next door neighbors? I think yes. Although it does make for some awkward situations when they see me spending time with the other one; who knew Panera was the jealous type? As part of my Mission 2012, I stated that I would try to pamper myself a little bit more, so every week, I do something just for me. I can’t believe how I didn’t think to pick up on this habit earlier! It’s nice to once in a while have a little R&R time, to treat yourself, even if it’s just a nice bagel and book-filled night.

Whatever your plans might be this weekend, I hope that you have a wonderful and relaxing couple of days and get a chance to have your ‘me’ moment. And might I suggest doing it with one of these?

Do it now, thank me later.

Now that that’s settled, it’s time for another rounding addition of Friday Funnies!

When I first saw this, I laughed, and I was kind of scared at the same time. I am sure you all know Beavis and Butthead, our favorite pair of socially awkward, rock and metal-loving, nose-picking and caffeine-drinking teenage delinquents. Oh yes, role models in every sense of the word. Despite their lack of intelligence and all things, well, good in this world, you can’t deny that they are “hu-hu-hu-hu-hu, pretty cool.” They are just one of those things you can’t help but love because of how ridiculous and crude they are. See below and try not to laugh…

We’ve all seen them in this form, but have you ever wondered what these two hooligans would look like in real-life? It’s a pretty scary thought, isn’t? I mean, even in 2-D form, they are strange-looking creatures with pretty exaggerated features. Well, I am happy to report that you can now see what these guys would look like if you saw them walking down the street.

Holy guacamole!

EEK!!! Totally creepy, right!?!?!  Special effects make-up artist Kevin Kirpatrick decided to take these characters off of the television screen and recreated them as they would be in real life, acne and all. It is truly remarkable really, when you look at the detail and craftmanship that he put into these works of art (?). However, I have to say, I am probably going to have nightmares tonight. If any of you want to check out his amazing work, and happen to be in the Santa Barbara area, Kirpatrick is currently displaying them in the Sculptural II show at the Copro Art Gallery.

Looking at these pretty cool (and somewhat freaky) sculptures got me thinking, however. We didn’t really need to have a sculpture made to see what Beavis and Butt Head would look like in person. We already have real live walking and talking versions….

Beavis... Conan.

Butt-head.... Lyle Lovett.

Case and point.

Am I right?

I hope you guys have a “hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu, pretty cool” weekend!


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