Y’all, I’m probably the most awkward person you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. It’s kind of my MO. Case in point: It took me until noon yesterday to realize that I’d been walking around work with my fly down. Once I finally (finally!!) figured it out, instead of rushing to the bathroom like a normal person to, uh, readjust the situation, I set down (*read threw willy-nilly) the stack of books that I was holding and zipped up. In the middle of the library. That was full of students.
Yep. That happened.
And I wish I could say that this was just a one-time thing, an occurrence that very rarely ever happens. Always a pillar of grace and elegance.
HAHAHAHA! Me. Pillar of grace and elegance?! HAHAHAHAHA!
The truth is, I’m the president of the awkward club. What Adele is to incredibly amazing, soul-searching, all-the-feels, sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-in-the-middle-of-the-grocery-store music, I am to awkward social situations.
The struggle is very real, my friends. Thankfully, I’ve learned to own my awkwardness over the years, to accept that it’s just going to happen–because hot damn it is—and just go with it.
Everybody experiences an awkward moment here and there, and I feel as part of my civic duty, as your queen bee[yonce] of awkward, it’s necessary, nay, vital, to put it all out on the table, to give you the 4-1-1, to let you know that you are not alone! After all, with great awkwardness, comes great responsibility.
Below are just some of the terrible, no-good, very bad situations that you have found, or might find yourself in if you suffer from extreme awkward turtle.
1. Getting your hair cut
Hairdresser: “Do you believe in ghosts? I swear I once saw the spirit of Harrison Ford at Denny’s. He was eating a grand slam and his hair was impeccable.”
Me: “But Harrison Ford isn’t dea…”
Hairdresser: “It must have been the shampoo.”
2. Sitting next to anyone on public transportation
I don’t know what to do with my hands!
3. Eating in front of others
So you don’t eat peanut butter from the jar with a spork? LIAARRR!
4. Figuring out the proper way to greet someone you know
Staying home forever just seems like a much better alternative.
5. When someone holds the door open for you but you’re not exactly close
Great… now I have to run Forest, run for the door.
6. Reacting to a compliment
I’ve always had a hard time responding to a compliment. My go-to move: automatically returning said compliment with a “you too!” even when it’s not applicable to that person. I don’t even know how many times I’ve “you too’ed” airline personal when they’ve wished me a great flight.
7. When your boss makes direct eye contact with you during a meeting
Smile? Uh, no. Stare deeply into his eyes? Definitely no. Look away? Gah!!!
8. Being momentarily left alone with your SO’s parents
So… this is some really great pot roast!
9. Getting introduced to new people
Meet to nice you, too!
10. Talking to anyone on the phone
Go to voicemail. Go to voicemail. Go to, “Oh heyyyyyy…”
11. Pulling up next to someone at a red light
Whatever you do, just act cool.
12. Waving to someone who doesn’t notice
Just going to crawl into a hole now, kbye.
13. Any elevator ride ever
The stairs seem so much more appealing now than they did a few minutes ago before I made this fateful decision. Just don’t make any sudden movements.
14. Being forced to partner up with someone at work for a project whom you’ve never talked to
OMG I LOVE STUFF TOO!
15. Having to run to catch a bus or train
Running like a fool: It’s in my blood.
17. Walking halfway down the block before realizing you should be going the other direction
Pardon me while I just conspicuously disrupt the flow of traffic and walk the other way.
18. Realizing that the person you thought you were talking to walked away a few seconds ago
Cool; I can add “talks to herself” as a new hobby!
Awkward is going to happen, folks. The good news: Everyone does it. Pro-tip: If you do ever find yourself in any of the above situations (or those like it), just Taylor Swift-shake it off, laugh at yourself, and own your amazing awkwardness.
But whatever you do, don’t make direct eye contact with the ghost of Harrison Ford while sporking pb. It never ends well.