My Awesomely Random Life (and Everything in Between)

Posts tagged ‘awkward moments’

Awkward Turtle

Y’all, I’m probably the most awkward person you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. It’s kind of my MO. Case in point: It took me until noon yesterday to realize that I’d been walking around work with my fly down. Once I finally (finally!!) figured it out, instead of rushing to the bathroom like a normal person to, uh, readjust the situation, I set down (*read threw willy-nilly) the stack of books that I was holding and zipped up. In the middle of the library. That was full of students.

Yep. That happened.

And I wish I could say that this was just a one-time thing, an occurrence that very rarely ever happens. Always a pillar of grace and elegance.

HAHAHAHA! Me. Pillar of grace and elegance?! HAHAHAHAHA!

The truth is, I’m the president of the awkward club. What Adele is to incredibly amazing, soul-searching, all-the-feels, sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-in-the-middle-of-the-grocery-store music, I am to awkward social situations.

The struggle is very real, my friends. Thankfully, I’ve learned to own my awkwardness over the years, to accept that it’s just going to happen–because hot damn it is—and just go with it.

Everybody experiences an awkward moment here and there, and I feel as part of my civic duty, as your queen bee[yonce] of awkward, it’s necessary, nay, vital, to put it all out on the table, to give you the 4-1-1, to let you know that you are not alone! After all, with great awkwardness, comes great responsibility.

Below are just some of the terrible, no-good, very bad situations that you have found, or might find yourself in if you suffer from extreme awkward turtle.

1. Getting your hair cut

Hairdresser: “Do you believe in ghosts? I swear I once saw the spirit of Harrison Ford at Denny’s. He was eating a grand slam and his hair was impeccable.”

Me: “But Harrison Ford isn’t dea…”

Hairdresser: “It must have been the shampoo.”

2. Sitting next to anyone on public transportation

I don’t know what to do with my hands!

3. Eating in front of others

So you don’t eat peanut butter from the jar with a spork? LIAARRR!

4. Figuring out the proper way to greet someone you know

Staying home forever just seems like a much better alternative.

5. When someone holds the door open for you but you’re not exactly close

Great… now I have to run Forest, run for the door.

6. Reacting to a compliment

I’ve always had a hard time responding to a compliment. My go-to move: automatically returning said compliment with a “you too!” even when it’s not applicable to that person. I don’t even know how many times I’ve “you too’ed” airline personal  when they’ve wished me a great flight.

7. When your boss makes direct eye contact with you during a meeting

Smile? Uh, no. Stare deeply into his eyes? Definitely no. Look away? Gah!!!

8. Being momentarily left alone with your SO’s parents

So… this is some really great pot roast!

9. Getting introduced to new people

Meet to nice you, too!

10. Talking to anyone on the phone

Go to voicemail. Go to voicemail. Go to, “Oh heyyyyyy…”

11. Pulling up next to someone at a red light

Whatever you do, just act cool.

12. Waving to someone who doesn’t notice

Just going to crawl into a hole now, kbye.

13. Any elevator ride ever

The stairs seem so much more appealing now than they did a few minutes ago before I made this fateful decision. Just don’t make any sudden movements.

14. Being forced to partner up with someone at work for a project whom you’ve never talked to

OMG I LOVE STUFF TOO!

15. Having to run to catch a bus or train

Running like a fool: It’s in my blood.

17. Walking halfway down the block before realizing you should be going the other direction

Pardon me while I just conspicuously disrupt the flow of traffic and walk the other way.

18. Realizing that the person you thought you were talking to walked away a few seconds ago

Cool; I can add “talks to herself” as a new hobby!

Awkward is going to happen, folks. The good news: Everyone does it. Pro-tip: If you do ever find yourself in any of the above situations (or those like it), just Taylor Swift-shake it off, laugh at yourself, and own your amazing awkwardness.

But whatever you do, don’t make direct eye contact with the ghost of Harrison Ford while sporking pb. It never ends well.

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You too! Wait…I mean…

We’ve all been there.

We’ve all done it.

That moment when you play the  “You too!” card when it doesn’t necessarily apply to the person you’re chatting with.

It’s just one of those things that just slips out, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes without thinking, but most of the time,  it’s simply because you’re just trying to relay the compliment/sincere acknowledgement to the other person. And it’s always after the fact when you scrunch up your nose, turn up your lip, and turn beat red with embarrassment, realizing the “oops” that you just committed. I pretty much am guilty of this faux pas on the daily (just another one of my many, many talents) and have thenceforth (thank you, Word ‘O the Day calendar) come up with 9 times it’s awkward to accidentally say “You too!”

1. At a restaurantrest

2. At work.

“Great presentation, Susan! You knocked it out of the park!”**

“Thanks so much! You too!”

**Other person didn’t give a presentation. In fact, other person may have fallen asleep during said presentations.

3. At the airportairport

4. In a receiving line of any kind.

“Congratulations on your graduation! *shakes hand and presents diploma

“Thank you; you too!”

Literally please end my life. Like, right now.

5. At the movies.movies

6. When someone pays you an unreturnable compliment.

Boyfriend to girlfriend: “That is such a beautiful dress on you, hunny!”

Girlfriend to boyfriend: “You too!”

Girlfriend: awrgh wghjrg RWHRH!

7. After a sporting event that you participated in but not the other person.sporting event

8. As a matter of repetition.

“It was so great to see you, Bill!”

“It was great to see you, Tom!”

“You too!”

“Shit.”

9. When it’s your birthday and not somebody else’s.birth

We’ve all been there.

We’ve all done it.

That awkward “You too.”

But hey, at least we can take pride in knowing that we’re wishing our flight attendant a fun non-existent trip to Hawaii, a very happy non-birthday to our grandma and a delicious missing steak dinner to our waitress.

It’s the thought that counts, right?

Question of the day: Have you ever played the awkward “You too” card?

 

 

Is it me or is it a bit drafty in here?

Oy.

How many in the class have ever realized after the work day was over, school was let out or you had just gotten home from seeing friends or running errands that in the hustle and bustle of getting dressed that morning, you had forgotten just one teeny, weeny detail…

To shut the barn door.

Close the fly.

You forgot to zip up.

My hand is raising the roof as we speak.

When I was in third grade, my third grade teacher Ms. Zamzow asked me to become a part of my elementary school’s (shout out to the Maine Lions!) Book Bowl team. Book Bowl, if you aren’t quite familiar, is basically like book Jeopardy, with teams competing against each other for who knows the most about the selection of books that we were given to read. The types of questions asked varied, everything from the plot lines and character schemas to the settings, vocab and basic understanding of the themes and lessons found in each book.

Of course I jumped at the chance to participate in something as awesome as this. I mean, spending time after school–and on competition days, DURING school, just chillaxin’ with fellow booknerds like myself, reading awesome books, discussing them and then kicking other team’s booties in the process? Oh, and did I mention the plethora of pizza and ice cream sundae parties that we had as well? Book worms need our energy after all 😉

What could be better?! Book Bowl was awesome. So awesome that I ended up competing for three years. when I was in fifth grade, my last year as a bonified Book Bowl competitor, we made it to the Regional Competition, the World Series if you will of all book competitions. My team had worked hard all year and we had finally made it! That big ‘ol Golden Book trophy was ours for the taking. It was nearing the end of the final round and the last two teams had to nominate two members to stand up and answer the last and deciding question. This was it. All that stood between my team’s trophy and Maine Lion pride (pun intended) was Shelby Voight from Lincoln Elementary. I SO had this.

Both of us stood up in front of all the other teams, our coaches and our fans (hi mom and dad), and were asked the last question: “How do we think the moral implications of The Giver would affect us today?”

Not a simple question to be sure, but I was confident in my answer. I stood up proudly, gave a riveting (to say the least) response and waited for the judge’s reaction with bated breath. I looked at Ms. Zamzow, my team, and lastly my mom and dad in the audience and couldn’t have felt more proud of what we had accomplished, no matter what the final outcome was. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that my mom was trying to say something to me, pointing in my direction. At the time, I thought she was just wishing me luck, letting me know not to worry. How I wish looking back that I paid a bit more attention.

The judges finally had the results and by a score of 29 – 25, the Maine Lions had just become the Regional Book Bowl Champs (cue the Queen song). I was on cloud nine, having just helped my team win the championship but that was to be short-lived. My mom and dad came up to me, hugs and high fives all around but then my mom quickly and quietly took me aside and said the words that sent me running for the hills, actually, the little girl’s room…

“Honey, I tried telling you earlier but your fly is open.”

Oy.

I hightailed it quicker than the road runner to the bathroom, my face comparable to the likes of Sebastian the lobster. I was so embarrassed.  It wasn’t as if my zipper was just down a notch or two or my shirt was long enough to cover up my major fashion faux pas.

Oh no. It was all of the down. The door was all of the open. And I was all of the all of the mortified. Here I was standing up in front of a gymnasium full of people, totally oblivious to the fact that my polka-dotted underroos were for all to see. I swore that after that horrifying incident, I would never, EVER forget to zip. Ever.

Yeah…I wish I could say I made good on that promise.

I don’t know what it is about zippering up that is so incredibly hard for me to do? I mean, it’s not exactly rocket science is it? And it’s not as if it takes forever and a day to accomplish, right? I should say that usually I’m pretty good about remembering to close the barn door, and on the rare occasion when I do forget, I most often quickly realize it before too much damage is done. But there are those days, days like yesterday, where I don’t.

I was on the last leg of my shift at Tarjay and had a pretty darn good day. My boss bought everyone free frappaccinos from Starbucks, I had got the credit record for the day and was even proposed to! The oh so cute little man in his Spiderman t-shirt walked right up to me, offered me his grape Ring Pop and asked if I wanted to marry him. If he had only chosen the cherry instead, I would have actually considered taking the little superhero up on his offer. All in all, it was an awesome day.

Until I was sitting in my car getting ready to leave and noticed that my darn fly was open. My first thought: crap. I forgot again? Really, Wendi?! Are you two years old?! In fact, most two-year olds I know probably know how to get dressed properly. My second thought: I worked for six hours like this. SIX HOURS! All those poor customers and my fellow coworkers had to endure my draftiness. My third thought: If all those poor customers and fellow co-workers knew, why didn’t they say something? My fourth thought? Could I have said something if I was in their Chuck Taylor shoes?

What is the proper etiquette when it comes to letting someone know that they had slipped on their zips? Had something in their teeth? Had toilet paper on their shoe?

Thinking about it, that is probably by far one of the most awkward situations you can find yourself in, even more awkward than being the one who slipped on their zips, had spinach in their teeth or had TP on their shoe. You want to let the person know about their ‘Oops’ so that they can prevent their own Book Bowl moment, but at the same time, how in the world do you go about saying something like that, especially if it involves said person’s crotch area (uhh…why were you looking in that direction in the first place?).

I would love to know your thoughts!

As for me, I have learned my lesson. I, Wendi Hansen, hereby promise to never, ever NOT forget to shut the barn door, close the fly and up my zip ever again.

I’ve got ten dollars saying I last a week.

Have a great rest of your hump day, guys!

Question of the day:

Have you ever slipped on your zips?

Do you let people know about their ‘Oops’ moments? If so, how?!

 

 

 

 

 

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