Hi, friends. I hope you know that sometimes, you’re not going to have the right words. Honestly, sometimes you’re not going to have any words.
Some days, you won’t be able to pick yourself up or wear that beautiful smile on your face.
You’re not going to be able to keep pretending that everything is great when in reality you’re just trying to keep your head above water.
And I hope you stop thinking you have to.
Easier said than done, I know. I guess this is more a case of “do as I say, not as I *do.”
*but also, what I’m currently in the process of working so very hard to do.
Take it from someone who has been there and felt all the things on the reg, sitting with our emotions can be an incredibly scary place; it means facing and accepting what we’ve been covering up and hiding behind the facade of jokes and smiles, even and especially from the ones we love most. It can feel defeating, demoralizing, like in some way you’ve let the world down, let yourself down, simply by being human. Which is just the silliest thing, right? Feeling all the things and fully embracing and allowing yourself to move through the motions of the ocean is one of the healthiest things you can do, necessary even, to come out the other side stronger and wiser than you were before.
And yet, still, it’s so very hard.
The last few days have been a little heavier than normal. The anxious thoughts have been a constant humming in my head, reverberating every doubt, worry, and fearful thought I can muster — some have actual merit to them, others are simply manifesting in such a way as if to be a giant middle finger to lil ‘ol me, just out here trying to enjoy the present moment with the human beans who matter most to me.
I’ve noticed that I just haven’t felt like my normal, bubbly, overtly positive self, but more so a me that’s stuck very firmly in between the lost and found, between one lesson and the next. My life is amazing, incredible, the best it’s ever been, yet there are things — some that are in my control and some outside of it — that hold a certain level of uncertainty right now. Things that have, in the past, so sneakily defined who I was, what I could be. The not knowing, the not having an exact plan of execution (I’m a planner — it’s just what I do. On any given day, I have a plan to the backup plan to the backup backup plan). Not knowing the answers to problems I should be able to solve has left me feeling a bit depleted, rejected, inadequate.
The hard days are the pits, y’all.
And in those hard moments, it’s difficult for me to accept that not every day is going to be rainbows and butterflies — I pride myself in the unadulterated joy I carry, the authentic happiness I hold, the hope in the general good that I put so much of my faith in. It’s who I am. Who I love being. Of course, I can’t be all of those things all of the time, that would be impossible and unhealthy.
A part of me also feels guilty for having these low days knowing that there are so many other people out there struggling, who may have it worse than I do. I know that their problems and heartache don’t take anything away from what I’m going through at the moment, but again, it’s hard for me to rationalize that.
Only until recently did I realize that I tend to define myself by these low days. While far and few between, they do happen. And it makes me uncomfortable. Unsettled. Icky.
After all, I’m the one who helps others with their bad days. Who am I if I’m the one in need of help? How can I be there for others when I’m trying to keep the levy from breaking myself?
As I’m typing this, I recognize how impossible this all sounds — no one has that superpower (although if I had a choice, I think it would be mine. And flying, definitely also flying because that just sounds neat.)
Part of being human, contrary to popular belief, is not being perfect.
It’s about being empathetic, supportive, kind, strong, giving, forgiving, and gracious. It’s lending a selfless helping hand to those who need it most.
But it’s also very much about being brave enough to accept and receive that same help from others when you need it, too.
No shame, no guilt, no feeling bad for feeling bad.
It’s about staying with those negative feelings, not pushing them away or trying to hide them, but allowing yourself to sit with whatever emotion comes up. To accept them, and you for feeling them. Because there is no bad feeling, only bad ways of reacting and dealing with them.
The person I love most recently told me that one of the things he admires most about me is my ability to feel, to be compassionate, and to have such a huge heart. He also said that one of the hardest parts for him is watching me apologize for having those feelings, particularly the heavy, hard, and uncomfortable ones.
I’ve never felt so seen.
*sidebar: I’m so beyond grateful for amazing boyfriend Mike and his unyielding support, belief in me, and for loving me unconditionally — my scars, flaws, messiness, and all. Until I met him, I didn’t know what love meant — real, true love — for having someone who will always be there, who I can count on and do life with, no matter what it throws our way. When you’re lucky enough to have those people in your life, lean into that love, that support, even and especially when it gets hard. Because as much as we think we can do this hard life stuff alone, having someone to help you carry that weight and hardship is invaluable in so many different ways.
One of my best traits is my softness, my empathy, my tendency to care (sometimes a little too much), and that I tend to always, always lead with my heart.
But like anything taken to access, it can be detrimental, especially to your head and your heart.
Mike helped me to see through a lot of shed tears (being vulnerable is so, so hard but so, so worth it) that I can be the girl who feels on top of the mountain one moment, and down at the bottom the next.
It ebbs and it flows, baby.
Being or feeling one way doesn’t cancel out the other. In fact, one could argue (me, I am that one) that you’re not truly complete without having or feeling both.
In a weird Colorado-themed analogy, that’s kind of what this beautiful and crazy thing we called life is all about. We are always exactly where we need to be, feeling exactly what we need to be feeling. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
So remember, all of the heartbreak, the ‘this doesn’t make sense’ moments, the challenges that have happened/are happening are all shaping us.
Keep feeling the feels, keep putting one foot in front of the other even when you don’t know where the ground is leading you, and keep being the amazing human that you are. This is about you – so please remember to trust in your journey. It’s got you.
You are a remarkable human and you are going to be okay.
Bad days, good days, and everything in between.
Keep going. 🤍