I’m a firm believer in staying (and feeling) forever young for as long as you possibly can. After all, life is wayyyy too short to be all-consumed with the stresses and worries and overall adultness 24/7. You gotta let go and cut loose every once in a while; eat Cocoa Puffs for dinner, run through the sprinklers in your backyard and stay up all night having epic Rugrats marathons. It’s good for the soul.
That being said however, it would be nice to do all of the above things while still actually looking my real age. Y’all if only I had a dime for every time a stranger asked me what grade I was in (I’m 11 years post-grade thank you very much). Or when an instructor at my college told me to get to class (Nope, not a student). Or when the cute guy at the bar goes to buy me a drink but then reconsiders after he realizes he could go to jail for serving a minor (I’M 28!!! I’m probably older than you for Reese’s Pieces sake).
Just so many dimes, guys. So many dimes.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m Benjamin Buttoning, but without the whole never looking old part. I posted a picture of myself a few weeks ago in honor of #tbt and despite the crimped hair and ridiculously amazing stirrup leggings I was rocking, I looked exactly the same. I wish I was joking.
And I know what you’re going to say…”You should feel lucky that you look so young!” But when you get mistaken for a pre-teen Belieber on the regular, it can get old very fast.
If you’re like me and forever look like you should be on your way to your Wednesday morning yearbook club meeting instead of work, you can probably relate to these struggles only a person who appears ridiculously young for their age deals with.
1. Strangers automatically refer to you as “sweetie pie” or “cutie,” which was fine 15 years ago, but now it’s kinda suuuuuuuper fucking weird.
2. When you reveal your actual age, people reliably say “Oh!” with a mix of confusion, admiration, doubt, and pity.
3. You have to literally prove your age to some people, especially annoying nonbelievers. Examples used in the past: You know every lyric to every Backstreet Boys song ever, you’ve at one point owned Jnco jeans or jelly shoes and/or had a Trapper Keeper full of Lisa Frank folders (with matching pencil bag).
4. You cringe whenever high school students are confident enough to approach you and ask for your number. Flattered, but still a little ubered out.
5. You’re also really concerned when older people hit on you. Is it because they think you’re as young as you look??? Because ew.
6. You’ve never not been quizzed about your address, birthday, and astrological sign when purchasing alcohol at a liquor store. Weirdly, you never had this much trouble with your fake ID.
7. You will literally set your hair on fire if one more person tells you that you’ll be thankful when you’re older that you look younger than you actually are. Huh. Maybe the singed hair look will make me look older?
8. All you want in life is to walk into an R-rated movie without the cute little old lady at the ticket counter asking you for your ID and/or the whereabouts of your parents.
9. Wearing makeup is maybe one of the few saving graces in helping you look your age…if you actually knew how to put it on without looking like a cute [underage] raccoon.
10. People find it ~*~adorable~*~ and ~*~precious~*~ when you’re passionate or angry about something. It’s like an endearing temper tantrum to them.
11. Small talk with strangers often involves clarifying misconceptions about why you’re “out of school this early in the day.” Yeahhhhh…about that. You haven’t stepped foot inside a high school in over
four eleven years.
12. People assume you’re the “baby” of the group, but in reality you tend to be one of the more mother-henny, the DD on a Friday night (mainly because you left your ID at home and NO ONE thought you were even close to being able to legally down those Fireball shots). It’s all an optical illusion.
13. You fully appreciate just how much of a blow to the ego it is to be mistaken as your younger sibling’s younger sibling. Not just some of the times. Always. Just every damn time.
Ahhh yes. The very real struggle of looking ridiculously younger than your age. The good news is crimped hair and stirrup pants never looked so good on anyone.