Y’all, there’s been this silly, goofy smile plastered across my face for the past 24 hours and I can’t for the life of me seem to make it go away. But I’m pretty positive I don’t want it to. Like, ever. Despite the fact that I may or may not look like this (actual selfie I took this morning):
The reason for this recent sense of ridiculously ridiculous yet amazingly amazing pure giddiness? Well for one I finally (finally!!!) got that popcorn kernel delodged from my tooth. And the Broncos’ win over the Patriots in yesterday’s AFC Championship game was pretty fuckkkkking awesome (Tom Brady’s face post-game alone is cause enough to be deliriously happy). But the big reason why I’m walking around with this annoyingly cheesy grin on my face is because, well…
….there’s this boy…
…and while things are kind of very new, they’re also kind of very incredible. We met a few weeks ago at a Wisconsin dive bar during a Packer game. Our eyes met over an incredible Aaron Rodgers Hail Mary pass and a plate of cheesecurds, and the rest as they say, is history.
I think we’ve established that I’ve never really been all that great at this whole relationship, dating, feel-all-the-feels thang. It’s hard for me to lay it all out there, to feel comfortable being myself without fear of getting handed that rejection card, or worse, the ever-dreaded friend card.
Been there, done that and then some X a kajillion, my frannnnds.
And it’s not the capital of Fun Town.
It’s because of this that I have this not-so-great habit of going into a new relationship already guarded, expecting that maybe not right away, but eventually, something is going to happen that will end up eventually breaking my heart. So when I do end up finding myself in a situation where all of these fears seem to make like a baby and head out, when I meet someone who not only seems to accept my dorky, nerdy, and dad-jokey self, but actually likes me even more because of that, who’s weirdness compliments mine perfectly, who gives me that pterodactyls in the stomach, blush-inducing, happy-like-a-clam feeling, I have the damnedest time wiping this silly, goofy smile off my face.
I also spend way too much time awkwardly trying to deal with all of these new feelings. The biggest emphasis on hella awkward. On any average day, my level of awk is a solid 12 (on a scale of 1-10). But throw a new crush/relationship into the mix and it’s safe to say I go from 12 to off the charts real quick.
Here are just some of the things I awkwardly do, say, and/or think when I’m crushing on someone hardcore.
- I spend far too much time convincing myself I don’t have a crush. Everything is just peachy-keen! And I def don’t feel like my heart is about to bust through my chest and send me straight to the emergency room. Nope. Never ever. I’m seriously good, guys.
- I may or may not be consumed with an overwhelming amount of the nervous sweats whenever I see that person I definitely DON’T have a crush on. Note to self: Deodorant. And lots of it.
- I get stuck in between this weird place of wanting to talk to them, but also wanting to run away and hide in my blanket fort. Forever.
- They say hi, and I respond, “GOODTHANKSHOWAREYOUILIKEYOURFACE!”
- I replay what I just said for the rest of the day. What the fuck was that? Great job, Forrest Gump.
- Okay, I’ve finally admitted I’m crushing hardcore. I then proceed to stalk all of their social media accounts. And maybe “accidentally” ‘like’ all of their Instagram posts from over a year ago.
- I find out that we have sooooo much in common and geek the FUCK out. Well, geek the fuck out more than my usual geekage. Which is seriously saying something.
- I try to bring up said commonalities (the Green Bay Packers, Indian food, a good belch) the next time I hang out with him, but instead just stand there. Smiling. Creepily af. Not saying anything.
- I hold full length practice conversations with myself in the mirror so I’m better prepared for the next time. But HAHAHAHA like that’s ever going to happen because awkward…
- I realize that I’m basically Jess from New Girl. But with much more uncooperative bangs.
- My heart drops and I have a 3 minute victory dance whenever I see my phone light up with their name, complete with air humping/hip thrusting and killer first pumps…but only in the privacy of my own home, obviously. Or in the car. Or in aisle 5 of Target.
- I overthink everything they ever say to me. Okay, so like when he said, “Yeah, I’m hungry too,” was that code for, “I don’t currently have a girlfriend to go eat meals with and I would love for that person to be you.”…?
- I’ve started actually putting in more than minimal effort when it comes to the clothes I wear. And doing/washing my hair. And y’all….I WEAR MAKEUP. I KNOW! I don’t even know who this person is anymore!!!
- Whenever I hear a song that has even the tiniest bit of annoyingly sweet and romantical vibage, I instantly think of the boy. And it simultaneously makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit and run through a field of wildflowers with the wind blowing through my perfectly caufed hair ala a Taylor Swift music video.
- I say seemingly unrelated things at the most random moments when talking to the boy. What they don’t see is that my mess of a brain is still focused on crafting a joke based on that thing they told me an hour ago. Get your ish together, girl!
- I make damn sure that whenever I go over to his place, I use the, erm, facilities beforehand. Pooping in cute boy’s apartment is not even an option. Do not break the seal, do not collect $200.
- I wake up every day with this foreign feeling, this feeling that maybe, just maybe, everything that I’m doing, saying, thinking is completely normal. That maybe, just maybe, I should just the awkward happen and not be afraid of allowing myself to ridiculously and annoyingly happy. Because as silly and goofy as this damn smile I can’t take off of my face is, it looks pretty amazing on me.
I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. Or a week from now. All I know is that right now, I’m sickenly happy. And I’m finally allowing myself to be sickenly happy, silly, goofy smile and all.
So there’s this boy….