Y’all, Goosebumps were the shiznit, and in my pubescent eyes, R.L. Stine was a literary genius. To say that I was a bit of a fan would be an understatement. A few months ago I was helping my mom clean out my parent’s basement–they’re in the process of moving and were in the ‘purge everything and anything’ stage–and we came across about five massive dusty bins full of Goosebump books (along with an Easy Bake Oven, Barbies, VHS tapes of old Disney and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies, board games and stuffed animals). They were my go-to reads throughout my elementary and middle school years. Just. So. Good.
Now, just reading the book jacket of a horror novel (Stephen King, I’m looking at you mister) or watching a scary movie trailer prevents me from sleeping for
days weeks. But when I was a wee lass, I LOVED everything scary. Goosebumps were my introduction to the creepy-crawlies, the ghosts and goblins and monsters of the night. They were the perfect representation of the fears everyone faces, especially during those awkward pre-teen years (helllloooo first zits, first school dances, first kisses and first time you decide to get that perm. Yikes.).
In fact, I think that if Goosebumps were rewritten today with the adulting reader in mind, they’d be the perfect representation of the fears everyone faces (hellllooooo shitty WiFi connections, the scary price of extra guac, the world of Tinder and that second time you decide to get that perm. Yikes.).
Here are 10 Goosebumps books rewritten for the somewhat, maybe, sort of, kind of, but not really adulting adult.
1.Welcome to the Dead WiFi Zone. The Hansen family moves to dark Falls, and while meeting with a real estate agent, their dog Thunder immediately senses that something is just not right. The WiFi connection is less than 3 bars. Noooooooo!!!!!
2. Escape From That One Friend of Yours Who Always Asks If You’re Going To Watch Their Gig. Lizzy is rapidly running out of excuses to tell Luke why she can’t listen to his Bon Iver cover band play. Again.
3. Say Cheese and Die of Embarrassment Because You Just Got A Notification That You Were Tagged in 13 Photos On Facebook From Last Night. Apparently Chris has one too many Appletinis and decided to streak through a Target at 2 o’clock in the morning. He doesn’t know what is more terrifying: the fact that the internet has seen him in his birthday suit running through aisle 5, or that he was drinking Appletinis.
4. It Came From Beneath The Sink And You’re Not Fully An Adult So You’re Not Quite Sure How To Handle It, So For Now You’re Just NOT Going Into Your Kitchen. The first time Lindsay opened the cabinet under her sink, she saw a spider. To this day, she can’t go into her kitchen without silently screaming and has never been able to properly clean her countertops because the Lysol spray is in that cabinet and there is no way that Lindsay is opening that portal to hell ever again. Like. ever.
5. Monster Blood, Jungle Juice, And Other Sketchily Named Mixed Drinks That Make You Wake Up The Next Morning Regretting Every Decision You’ve Ever Made In Your Entire Life. Looking for fun, Jason decides to dabble with the greenish drink served at a party. His liver and memory inevitably beg him never to drink again. Until the next happy hour. Or 3 o’clock. Whichever comes first.
6.The Girl Who Cried “Wait, Don’t Eat That Just Yet, I Need To Take A Picture!” Kara is the type of girl who can observe when someone is just about to take a bite of food before she panics and makes them rearrange their plate so that she can Instagram it.
7. The Sunday Afternoon of Doom: The Pivotal Point When You Attempt to To Finish All The Work You Managed To Avoid The Entire Weekend. Jon is constantly forewarned to dedicate free time throughout the weekend to chipping away at the mountain of work he’s been assigned. He never listens (which is why he is starring down the barrel of an overflowing dirty laundry basket and kitchen sink).
8. Don’t Go To Sleep, Because Someone Could Text You Last Second And Ask If You Want To Spontaneously Go Do Something Really Cool (So You Should Totally Stare At Your Phone Until You Pass Out At 2AM).
Elyse is convinced tonight is probably the night that either Stephen or Michael are going to text her in a panic about having an extra ticket for something cool happening. There’s no way he can fall asleep. Think of the FOMO.
9. Return Of That Guy You Gave A Fake Number To That One Time But Now You’re Both At The Same Club.
Nothing compares to the level of panic Brittney feels when she realizes That Guy she gave a fake number to a couple of weeks ago is back in the same room as her and definitely recognizes her.
10. The Haunted Friendzone: When Your Crush Outright Tells You That You’re Like A Sibling To Them.
Wendi swears she’s cursed into this vortex where any guy she really likes always feels as though she’s “the sister they’ve never had.” No matter how many Easter Island emojis she sends them.