Wardrobe malfunction (noun): An incident in the 1970s on my favorite game show in the history of ever “The Price is Right” , hosted by the forever silver fox Bob Barker, in which a contestant named Yolanda Bowersley is called to Contestants Row and her tube top falls off, revealing her, um, girls.
Yolanda Bowersly, come on down! You’re the first four con–OH MY GOODNESS, Yolanda’s TOP CAME OFF!!!
Janet Jackson wasn’t the first to experience a wardrobe malfunction, my friends.
Nor was she the last.
Case in point: Me.
Earlier this morning the program chairs at my college held our monthly meeting where we go over things like the budget, student retention and upcoming events. I really like these monthly meetings of ours because it gives all of the faculty a chance to see how everyone’s doing and share ideas on how to make the upcoming term a success. It’s also a great opportunity for me to royally embarrass myself apparently.
Before we get into that, let’s back up to earlier-earlier this morning, shall we. The sun finally decided to grace Denver with its presence today after what seemed like a marathon of cold and rain so naturally, I ditched the work pants in exchange for that very cute summer dress I recently got at Tarjay.
*Side note: Ladies, life is just way too short to not wear dresses that make your ass look great!
Fast forward to my meeting.
Now to preface this, I’d like to that it was very warm in that conference room. Like, stifling warm. And anyone who’s worn shorts/skirts in a stifling warm room while sitting knows that you begin to sweat in places you didn’t think you could sweat. Back sweat, butt sweat and yes, even knee sweat. I bet you didn’t know that knee sweat was a thing. But I’m here to tell you that is. Oh, it very much is. You start to stick. To everything. And everything begins to stick to you right back. It’s not pretty.
Another thing I’d like to point out is that I did not realize how short said very cute summer dress from Tarjay was on me.
Until it was too late, that is.
After the very long and very warm meeting concluded, we all got up to leave. As I was sitting right by the door, I was the first to exit the room. Not even noticing the slight breeze emanating across the lower half my body (my already very short dress had sweat-stuck to the top of my hip), I stood up and walked out the door, smiling at the President of the college and thanking him for a great meeting as I did so. It was only until I was walking down the hall that one of the professors came up to me, politely and swiftly yanked down my dress and said, “Honey, your bits and pieces were showing.”
Oh, is that all?
NBD. I mean, I only just flashed the program chairs along with the PRESIDENT OF THE COLLEGE!!
Kill. Me. Now.
And that’s not the only time I’ve shown my bits and pieces to the world. When I was twelve, my girlfriends and I decided to try and impress one of the Hemsworth-esque lifeguards we were fancying by going down the ridiculously steep waterslide he was manning. Due to the power of the water and the angle of the slide, I ended up losing both the top and bottom of my bikini. Let’s just say I had nightmares of two-piece bathing suits for
days weeks months years after that.
When I was 16, I got the end of my dress caught in a car door. I walked away, but my dress decided to hunker down and make camp in between the metal of my car resulting in a very bottomless Wendi. And let’s not forget the time I gave my final speech in Speech class freshman year of college with my fly down. That was fun.
I think we’ve all at some point or another suffered from the hands of wind-blown skirts, crotch-ripped jeans or faulty tube tops. Yes, it’s embarrassing and mortifying and completely humiliating.
But it’s also not the end of the world.
You may need to leave the state and change your name, but…
In all seriousness though, my advice to you if you happen to find yourself baring all like Yolanda, Janet or yours truley: laugh. Find the humor in the situation and just laugh, laugh it off. Nothing is ever as worse as you will make it out to be. And I promise you, most people are focused on making sure their bits and pieces are successfully covered up to worry about yours.
But just in case, always wear your best skivvies, do the double zip check before leaving the restroom, and mayyyybe rethink the tubetop if going on national television.
Question of the day: Tell me your best worst wardrobe malfunction.