Happy Wednesday, friends.
Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, my friend Chad went to college.
Now, Chad likes to tell people what made him decide to go to school and the reasons why he traded in a job at best Buy for a few hard years of hitting the books.
See, on a whim one weekend, Chad packed his trunk and cruised down the highway to visit our friend Mike who was away at school. They didn’t have any plans but spent a couple of days going out for drinks and eating their fill of meals at the residence hall.
It was in that very dining hall that Chad first came face to face with a big and beautiful stainless steel object of his desire. Yes, he glanced up slowly and realized that he was starring straight at chocolate milk on tap.
His jaw dropped and his eyeballs flashed fireworks as he immediately filled three glasses with the sweet-flowing delicious liquid, his brain reeling with infinite possibilities.
Yes, this really is a true story. Chocolate milk on tap convinced my dear, dear friend Chad to ditch his job and head down the highway the following year. Chocolate milk on tap changed his life because let’s face it, anything on tap is great.
Let me count down some other killer classics that would leave you and I saying, “I’d totally tap that”…
- Slurpees: Flip the switch sideways and let the crystal soda slide smoothly into your cup like a snake. For bonus points, mix and match flavors until your drink looks like the surface of Jupiter.
- Brown soda: Did you ever get behind an open bar at a wedding when you were a kid? Hey, if you remember mixing tall glasses full of fountain Coke, Sprite, Orange and Root Beer into delightfully tangy swill, you had a pretty amazing childhood.
- Beer at a keg party: Forget the bottles and cans for a night. Not it’s time for some foamy pumping. If you’re the guy who actually knows how to tap the keg, the you’re the official dude responsible for keeping everyone’s red solo cups full tonight.
- Maple syrup: Just toss on your hiking boots in the dead of winter, walk silently to the middle of the forest, and tap that tree to get it done, son. It’s time to get sticky. And if you’ve never had fresh maple syrup right out of the tree, you haven’t lived (no offense, Mrs. Butterworth).
- Soft-serve ice cream: Don’t you love it when your local all-you-can-eat buffet has that soft-serve ice cream machine sitting right in the open? You can squeeze a
littlebig swirl into your warm, plastic wet-from-the-dishwasher bowl, or go all commando and build the tallest, swirliest ice cream cone known to mankind. Brain freeze, beware!
- Water: If you’ve got a drink in the kitchen, clean hands in the bathroom, and a hot shower in the tub, then today’s your day to say thanks.
- Nacho cheese at 7-Eleven. Now here’s the heaviest hitter of all. When you swirl your salty 7-Eleven nachos under the hot pump of oozing cheese, you’re sure to be in for a good night. I once saw a guy fill up a Big Gulp cup with the stuff and take it home. Forward thinker, that one was. The cashier was so surprised that she just charged him for a drink. Good deal, man.
People listen up:when you come face to face with anything on tap, all Coke cans and beer bottles fade to dark black. You grab control of the boat and start pumping nozzles and squeezing triggers with reckless abandon, breaking free of the tight shackles of portion control and sailing deeper into a shadowy paradise of no rules…no order…and no limits.
Question of the day: What are some things that you totally would tap?