Ah the first date….
Okay, so you’ve been asked out…or done the asking out. Either way you’re going on that date. It can be intimidating, nerve-racking and holy awkward city, Batman! It can also be fun, exciting and if you’re lucky, pterodactyl-size butterflies-in-your-stomach inducing (don’t you just love that feeling?!).
I’ve recently dipped my toes in the dating pool again (pun intended) and forgot how stressful first dates can be. From what to wear (do these shoes make my feet look big), what to talk about (Oh…so you say were abducted by aliens, huh?)and where to go (Chuckey Cheese is awesome but maybe we could go somewhere where there isn’t a giant singing and dancing rat), it’s a lot to think about for both parties involved. It is a jungle out there and it is not easy meeting the right person. But it can be done if you follow these dating tips. Here are five things that should help get you prepared for anything that may come your way, rat or no rat.
1. Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But here’s my number, call me maybe.
Before you go on a date with someone, chat with them over the phone. There are certain red flags you should look for. If a recording says the call is being monitored, this could mean your potential date is in prison and just getting out next week . If you hear a lion roaring in the background or someone hollering “Bubba shut your trap, I’m on the telephone…” these might be good reasons to rethink the date. Of course, if you call and the number has been disconnected, hmmm, need we say more? Also watch how the person answers the phone. If they say ” Joe’s morgue, you stab them, we slab them,” this is an indicator that it could be a bad date punctuated by bad jokes. If the person answers the phone with a lisp, then says “wait a minute, let me get my teeth”, you might want to think twice about a good-night kiss on that first date. Just saying 😉
2. Pay Attention To Your Date.
It is always a good idea to pay attention to your date or as the old saying goes, if you can’t be sincere, fake it. Even though he is reliving his high school football days when he was 100 pounds thinner, or she is telling you about how amazing her twelve cats are, act like you care. If he keeps adjusting his toupee or she keeps readjusting her dentures, do not despair. Your blind date is human and just needs attention and love and you can make it work. Of course, having said that, if your date shows up wearing overalls, no shirt , and a tobacco stained moustache ,still pay attention. In fact, pay VERY close attention to where the nearest exit is and plan your escape route.
3. Go Someplace Really, Really Special.
Where he or she meets you on the first date, says a lot about your expectations in a relationship. Some good places not to meet include:
McDonald’s, who wants fries with their relationship
A cheap bar, who wants a mate who likes cheap liquor and lots of it
The Thrift Store, who wants a mate who has a collection of moth-ball ridden, smell-like-the-basement clothes from the 70s
Starbucks; who wants a date who thinks it is financially sound to spend five bucks on a simple cup of coffee
His friend’s house where they sit around playing computer games and eating Hot Pockets
Hell’s Angel’s meeting
4. What Do You Really Know About Him/Her?
Before you go out with them, ask their friends some questions? Is every Friday reserved for his mother or his probation officer? Does she give back to kids’ charities or does she take that money and give back to her own personal ‘Hundreds of Shoes’ fund? Of course you have to very careful about this, for example spying. And I don’t recommend stalking as, for some reason, this tends to upset people. So don’t pop out of the bushes and scare him or her. Stay in the bushes until they go to bed, then sneak home.
5. Break the Ice.
First dates can be brutal, especially if no one seems to have the baseballs to begin the convo but have no fear because Wendi is here! Wow that was lame with a capital ‘L’. If you’re on a date, I would not recommend referring to yourself like you are one of the Avengers. Anywhoo, I have the ultimate ice breaker if you will to get the night going.
You: “200 lb. penguin.”
You date: “What?”
You: “Just trying to break the ice.”
Trust me. Works every time. And by every time I mean it could potentially, maybe, perhaps, no way in Tasmania is that going to work in a million years, every time. I may or may not have ever tried it before but it sounds like a great idea, right?!
So there you have it. 5 of my top dating advice tips.
But don’t worry. The good thing is if the date turns out to be a total flop (Mr. too-tight skinny jean wearing, cut-your-pizz-with-a-fork eating, rude-to-the-waiter, breath-smelled-like-gym-socks-and-brussel-sprouts dude, I am not talking about you. Not at all.), you will have a terribly funny story to tell your friends.
And remember, it’s a jungle out there which means that there are a lot more fish where that came from. Don’t give up. Your frog prince/princess is out there, I know it!
But if you happen to find mine, could you let me know? He’s more tricky to find than that Waldo dude.
Question of the day: What are your go-to dating tips?