Oh no he di-int!
Oh yes. He did.
Let this be a lesson to all you guys and gals out there…cheesified pick-up lines are all of the worst! ALL of the worst.
Despite our favorite movies seemingly getting away with murder when it comes to using these oh so corny pick-up lines…and having them actually work…
“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.”
“Maam, in the leopard print dress, you have an amazing rack.”
“We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You complete me.”
“Wanna play a game? You can be Little Red Riding Hood and I’ll be the Big Bad Wolf.”
…and of course one of my favorites…
“Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.”
…they never seem to come off as well in real life.
Case and point.
Today I was met with one of my tutoring students for our last session of the year. We decided to meet up at my home away from home, Barnes & Noble. I thought I’d go a bit early to do some reading and browsing before our session began. Not sure if I have told y’all this before, but I think I could live in B&N. Seriously. I mean, they’ve got basically all the necessities a gal like me would ever need and want: books upon books upon books upon books, a lovely–and clean–bathroom, food and drinks (thank you Starbucks), comfy sofas and chairs, a great selection of tunes and movies and did I mention books upon books upon books upon books? Add a shower (even my rosehip scented self might start to get a bit funky after a few days) and I would never have to leave.
Right when I got there, I hit up the clearance section. I am always one for a great deal and with great page-turners up to 50% off, you can’t go wrong! I was admiring a photography book when a guy came up from across the aisle and said hi.
“Hey there. What’s your name darling?” the guy asked.
I am not going to lie. I don’t know if it was because this fellow held a striking resemblance to a young Christopher Walken (I’ve always found him kinda creepy–great actor, but kinda creepy) or the way he said ‘darling’, but I felt a little weirded out.
“Hey. I’m Wendall.” Whenever I come across young Christopher Walken look-a-likes, which strangely happens more than you think, I always use my alias, Wendall Henson. I told you…he just gives me the creepy-creeps.
“Well it’s sure nice to meet you, Wendall. The name’s Charlie, but everybody calls me Chip for short.”
How Chip is short for anything but Potato or Chocolate, I don’t know, but we are talking about C. Walken’s twin here…anything is possible.
I smiled politely and started to
escape make my way to the next aisle when Chip stopped me in my tracks.
Darn it all to heck. So close.
“I see you were looking at that book on horses. Do you ride?”
“Actually,” I said, “it was a really cool book on animal photography, but yes, I do ride. I mean, I don’t have a horse or anything. But I have ridden. And I like to ride. Do you?”
Chip smiled and said, “I sure do. I even got to ride them on the beach last year when I was in California,” or should I say ‘Californeeea’.
“Wow. That must have been really cool. I have got to say, I am a bit jealous.” Which I was. Ever since seeing the movie The Black Stallion, I wanted to that boy…although maybe with a saddle–bareback is a major pain in the butt…literally.
Then good ‘ol Chip laughed and…are you ready for it…laid this gem of a line on me…
“Jealous? Why? That I wasn’t riding you?”
Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross X a bajillion gross!
I threw up in my mouth. Threw times.
I can’t believe he said that! I mean, really?! Seriously?! Did he think that would work? I think I would have had an easier time falling for this…
“Theres no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless youre into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. Im just kidding. But seriously, Ive got em.”
Good grief. Although I have got to hand it to him, the Chipster had moxy. Maybe a
lot little too much moxy, but he had it alright. It’s safe to say that Charlie and I won’t be riding off into the sunset together anytime soon, or ever preferably, but he sure did make me laugh.
When I met with Dan for our last tutoring session, the first thing I did was teach him the art of the successful pick-up line. After all, who needs English and Reading Comprehension when you’ve got moves like Jagger? 🙂
Question of the day: What is the worst pick-up line that you’ve used? Was used on you?