Awkward Turtle

Happy Monday, guys!

Boy do I have a doosie of a story to share with y’all today. But before I get into that, I just wanted to remind everyone that there is, drum roll please…

…..badabadabadabadabadabadabadabada…..

11 days left until I am here

eating this

sitting next to this guy

cheering on these guys

OPENING DAY!!!!

11 days.

But I digress. Back to my cray cray story. Today after I got done tutoring one of my students, I decided to make a quick pit stop at Starbucks for a little drink (I am such a dork–when everyone else was ordering their grandefrappamocholatewhips, I stuck with my carton of chocolate milk and a sugar cookie–I am quite the fancy pants as you can see) and to do a little writing. I was just getting settled into the corner spot, my favorite spot by the big window on the comfy sofa seat. I had my laptop opened and was just about to start tapping away when a guy in a blue polo shirt and jeans came walking over to my table. He was very tall and had a very Ralph Lauren look to him. Not going to lie, he wasn’t too hard on the eyes if you know what I mean. There were all the open seats to my left and all the open seats to my right, but as he walked over to my little corner, he decided to sit on the comfy sofa seat a direct 180 degrees, a mere three butt cheeks length away, from yours truly.

At first I didn’t really pay any attention to it; at least he smelled good–trust me, it would be a whole other story if his cologne of choice smelled like a mix of stinky feet and stale Cheetos. All of a sudden Mr. Lauren turned to look at me and said, “So you chose this spot?”

Sitting there in my finest of holey gym shorts and faded tank top, hair a mess and sweating like a pig (do pigs even sweat? I never got that expression), the first thing I thought was ‘Is this guy talking to me?’ After lingering there in the silence for a bit, awaiting my answer, I figured that he was. The second thing I thought was ‘This is a classic example of Bill Engvall’s “Here’s Your Sign”. Did I choose this spot? Well, seeing as I am, right this very instant, at this spot, I guess I did. Here’s your sign.

Not wanting to be rude, I answered him. “Yup. I did. Just doing some writing.”

Mr. Lauren then said, “I kind of thought this was the place, seeing as you live a few minutes away. I hope I’m not too early. It was 2:30, right?”

What. Was. This. Guy. Talking. About?

Just when I was about figure it all out, a girl came up from behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. “Excuse me miss, but I think ‘Tod’ thinks you are me.” I looked at Ralph, ah, I mean Tod, and he was beet red. I mean this poor guy was redder than the time I got sunburnt to a crisp in Vegas…and that’s saying something.  I felt so bad for him. Awkward turtle, you betcha!

Apparently, these two lovebirds met on Match.com and had planned to meet up for the first time today, at this very Starbucks. Now I don’t know much about online dating, but I would think that people share photos on these internet dating sites, right? If this assumption is correct, I don’t know what kind of pictures Ashley was displaying because I looked nothing like her. Not one inch of a bit. For one, she was slightly on the shorter side; she literally came up to my shoulder. She also had dark, dark hair, like Snow White black hair, and had a giant flower tattoo on her shoulder (which was pretty darn cool, by the way). How Tod thought that I was indeed Ashley still floors me, but it definitely makes for a great story. After Tod apologized profusely, both to me (formally known as Ashley) and to the real Ashley, they got up, went to the opposite side of the coffee shop and presumed, or started, their date.

As I finished off my chocolate milk (oh my gosh, I just realized that I totally probably had a milk mustache during this whole scene…ack.) and polished off the last few crumbs of my sugar cookie, I thought of, besides being NOT the one embarrassing themselves for once, how I possibly was responsible for a real love connection here, albeit a little weird, but maybe possibly could-be who-knows a real love connection. Ten years from now when little Suzie, Tod and Ashley’s daughter asks how mommy and daddy met, they can say that it all started with a little Starbucks, a little coffee and a little mistaken identity. Well slap a pair of wings on me and call me Cupid

Have a great rest of your Monday everyone!

Question of the day: What is one of the most embarrassing situations that you have been witness to, NOT involving you?

Coffee Talk

Hey guys!

How are you all doing this fine Thursday afternoon? Can you believe it?! Only ten more days till Christmas!! Wowzas! Thankfully all of my Christmas presents have been bought and my cards are going out in the mail as we speak. All I have left to do on my handy-dandy to-do list is my most favorite of all things…why making and baking cooooookies of course! I usually save that for last because I know that if I do that ahead of time, there is no way in Hooville that they will make it to Christmas (self-control around these doughy and sugary and frosted and sweet concoctions of all-around amazingness I do not have). Well, that and I suppose I should find a party dress of some sort to wear on New Years, even though my plans of now to ring in 2012 include my couch, a marathon of Seinfeld (because is there a better way to ring in a new year than to get laugh crazy with Jerry, Kramer, Elaine and George?) and as much junk food as I can get my hands on. After all, my resolutions don’t officially start until the next day anyway which means one last night of debauchery. I know what you’re thinking. And you are completely right: I am such a party animal.

Seeing as it is already mid-December and I haven’t yet indulged in one of my all-time favorite holiday traditions…the ultimate cup of hot cocoa or in my case, a cup of whipped cream with some hot chocolate, I decided to grab the rest of my Christmas cards and my trusty laptop and make my way to Starbucks for a festive and lazy afternoon. Now usually I don’t dig the whole Starbucks thing; I am not a coffee drinker and even if I was, I would refuse to pay an arm and a leg for a measly dribble of coffee and cream. However, they do make a very good cup of white-hot chocolate which I look forward to treating myself to at least once a year around christmas time. Plus, a change of scenery, as well as being able to listen to their prime selection of Christmas tunage while cranking out the rest of my Christmas cards and school applications was just another added bonus to the deal.

 

SOOOO good

 

But while we are on the subject…

Coffee.

Can we just talk about this for a second? Since when did it become so complicated to order a cup o’ Joe? Black or with cream? One lump of sugar or two. These were the ways in which I knew coffee was taken. Boy was I severely undereducated. As I sat in my cozy comfy chair, sipping my frothy and chocolatey cup of goodness, I couldn’t help but overhear fellow patrons placing their orders with the barista.

“Yes, Hi. I’ll have a tall half-skinny half-1 percent extra hot split quad shot, two shots decaf, two shots regular, latte with whip.”

“I’ll take a venti light mocha frap 2% no whip with a shot, please.”

“Good afternoon. I’ll take a Double tall cappuccino, extra dry.”

“Grande Caramel Machiatto, skinny, no whip with extra caramel. And a drizzle of chocolate. And a scone. Do you have scones? No? Why don’t you have scone? I guess I’ll take a morning bun, but can I get it warmed? I only like them when they are warm.”

 

I think that about says it.

Goodness gracious. It’s like a whole new language. My head was spinning just after a few minutes of listening to these mile long and oh so complicated orders, I can’t imagine what the Starbucks workers must feel like after 8 or more hours of this every day, bless their caffeinated hearts. The funny thing was, I didn’t hear one single person ask for just a simple cup of coffee. Go figure. Did you know that there is an actual way of physically contabulating how many available drink choices you have while at a Starbucks? Oh yes. I am not kidding here people, this is serious stuff. Now go get your thinking caps and strap them on tight because this is going to take some serious math…

Here we go: How to mathematically compute how many choices you have while at a Starbucks

If someone knows how many choices there are for each variable, you just multiply all these numbers together to arrive at the total number of possible combinations. As a simple example, if there are three sizes, three types of coffee (9 possibilities), and three different flavorings (8 flavoring combinations, think in binary terms), and then add the choices of using sugar, artificial sweetener, or none (3 choices), this yields 216 total possibilities (but there’s much more). To find out exactly how many of these options there are, I went to the Starbucks website and found the following information under “drinks”:

• Bottled Drinks (10 choices)
• Brewed Coffee (7 choices)
• Chocolate Beverages (4 choices)
• Espresso Beverages (33 choices)
• Frappuccino® Blended Beverages (31 choices)
• Kids’ Drinks & Others (5 choices)
• Tazo® Teas (23 choices)
• Vivanno™ Smoothies (3 choices)

Given that most of these items have at least three sizes and that the milk-based products have four milk choices, the total number of possible combinations is easily in the thousands. Thousands! Holy coffee, Batman! I also learned that when applying to be a barista at Starbucks, you literally are given a coffee bible (which is almost as big, if not bigger than THE bible) to study and memorize. It’s almost as if you have to get your BA in Coffology to even be considered for the job.

Yeah, I think I will just stick to my simple white-hot chocolate if you don’t mind, although, even when ordering that, they asked how I wanted it. I didn’t even know there were options. My reply was something like this, “Um, in a cup. And preferably hot.” I guess I have some learning to do when it comes to the over-zealous world of coffee houses.

However, one thing I do know is that we can’t have a coffee talk without a little Coffee Talk. I’m getting a little verklempt just thinking about it

Have a great rest of your night guys!

Question of the day: How do you take your coffee?

 

 

You’re So Vain…

…you probably think this post is about you.

I think Carly Simon hit the nail on the head with that one.

One of the things I like to do (in a totally non-stalkerish sort of way of course) is to people watch. I think we are probably one of the most fascinating creatures on the planet (with maybe the exception of sharks…if you don’t believe me, catch Shark Week on Animal Planet–crazy cool!). My fascination is so strong that I spent four years in college  dedicated to learning the intricacies of how we as a species think, act, respond, feel, and function.  I find everything about us so very interesting, from the way we walk and talk, dress and present ourselves; in some ways we are completely different and unique, yet at the same time, so much the same.

Earlier today as I sat in a Starbucks, taking a break from a crazy session of window shopping that I was fully partaking in(one of my favorite forms of exercise) and enjoying myself a tasty cake pop, I naturally found myself surveying my surroundings. I could smell the coffee and fresh pastries that were being brewed and baked a mere 5 ft. away from where I sat. I could hear the conversations of the people sitting next to me, the tap-tap-tapping of fingers against laptop keyboards, the pounding of footsteps and swishing of shopping bags coming from the many patrons getting their MasterCard on in the mall and the screaming and crying of little kids that would every so often pass by, giving a temper-tantrum only curable by a cookie or ice cream cone from the food court. I saw professionals in suits conducting business and jabbering away on their cell phones and blue-tooths (gosh those things are annoying, no offense), clusters of teenagers just out of school armed with their parents money and ready to spend, crazed moms juggling diaper bags and strollers, questionable fashion statements…

It's Yoshi!

store window displays…

So wrong...yet so funny!

and the cutest little couple that you ever did see…

How adorable are they?!

I noticed the body language of people, how they interacted with each other, whether they were smiling or laughing. I also noticed the clothes that they wore, the way they had their hair and the languages and accents in which they spoke. For funnsies, I pretended to give each person I saw a story, a background of why they were there, what and who they were shopping for (a game my mom and I used to do, making up conversations for what we thought they were saying). There were a lot of single people, groups of friends, moms and their kids and of course many a couple. Just going off of appearance, some couples looked like they were two peas in a pod; they shared the same sort of style, were the same height, and even had the same mannerisms. Other couples however walked hand-in-hand but were clearly total opposites; there was an obvious age difference, one was tall and the other very short (think Michael Jordan and Snookie) or one had tattoos up the ying-yang while the other was dressed in cashmere sweaters and pearls. Appearance can say a lot, but there is so much more than what a person can observe just from the outside.

One of the things in particular that came to my attention was how many times, women in particular, looked at their reflection in the store windows as they walked by. Confession time: I must admit, I myself have done this very thing in the past. I walk by the giant windowed store front of a Bath & Body Works or an Old Navy, pretending to look at what lay before me inside the store, when all along I was fixing my crazy bed-head hair or adjusting my wonky jeans that were two sizes too small, hoping that no one sees me in action. I think we all have done this at one point in time or another, casually looked at ourselves through the looking-glass if you will. Once or twice is totally fine by me but some people can take it too far, almost to an extreme. Talking of extremes…I actually went on a date once with a guy who, no lie, fix his hair/teeth/shirt/hair/hair/hair in anything remotely shiny aka the car door mirror, the restaurant window, the napkin holder, and even his spoon! Yes, he was gorgeous but had the personality of a rock. AND…I had to pay for dinner because he conveniently ‘forgot’ his wallet in his other pair of way too skinny jeans. It’s safe to say that was a flub to the nth degree…but that’s another story for another day…

I came up with a theory based on these observations of window-watchers: I hypothesized (just a fancy word for educated guess based on observations that I had) that women, more specifically young women, would be more highly to look at themselves in the window than men, both in time and in frequency. My theory suggests that women feel the need to impress people (both men and other women) with how they look, putting more emphasis on appearance and looks than their male counterparts, sometimes equating beauty with success or likeability.

To test my theory, I decided to have a little Freudian fun.

To see what I did and the results, check out my next post