When I was at work today, I was asked the one most taboo-no-no-off limits-what are you thinking-have you been sniffing paint again-question. The one question that you, me and the next guy or gal must never, ever, neverevernever ask someone. Like, ever.
A woman came through my line at Tarjay, her cart full of beef jerky, apple sauce, toilet paper and duct tape. I always get a kick out of some of the combinations of items that guests purchase. There was once a man who had, and I am not joking, three 1 gallon jars of hot sauce and four giant bags of marshmallows. A new spicy take on the s’more perhaps?
This particular woman looked to be in her thirties, give or take a few years and seemed very nice. We were making small talk (“Can you believe how nice it is outside?!” “Are you going to watch the Oscars tonight? That Bradley Cooper is one fine piece of actor is I ever did see one, isn’t he?”) and everything was going along swimmingly until these words escaped her mouth…
“I hope I don’t offend you, butt…”
Now. Anytime this phrase is uttered, one can assume that nothing good can come from it. In fact, you can almost guarantee that you will be offended in some shape or form. This was no exception, however what this woman would eventually ask I never in a million bajillion years saw coming.
“I hope I don’t offend you, butt are you pregnant, miss?”
I stood there. Just stood there.
At first I wasn’t sure if I heard her correctly. She didn’t just ask that question, right? Anyone who’s anyone knows NOT to ever ask that question.If anyone knows that unspoken cardinal rule, it would be a fellow woman, right?!
The woman didn’t waste a lot of time before she followed up with, “You have such a cute little belly. And you’re positively glowing!”
I looked at the woman and said very calmly (or as calm as I could), “No ma’am. I am not pregnant.” I could feel my face turn a shade of scarlet red, my palms started sweating and I think I may have sprouted my very first gray hair. The woman of course apologized for implying such a thing and seemed to be pretty embarrassed by the whole thing.
At that moment a Rolodex of comebacks spun through my head, things I wanted to say, should have said but probably would have gotten me fired. For example:
“Cute little belly?! It’s called a food baby, lady!”
“No, I am not pregnant. Are you?”
“Willy Nelson called. He wants his mustache back!” *Note: This lady did have the biggest, fuzziest caterpillar of an eyebrow (just one. A big ‘ol uni) that I ever did see! It was actually quite impressive
The whole situation was pretty funny, but you know what was even more so? The fact that I didn’t allow her comment to make me feel bad. Not at all. Before, I
might would have took that as a sign that I was the word that shall not be named. No. Not Voldermort, but a word that is equally as negative. The “F” word. FAT.
Sure I have a little more padding on my bones now. I have a bit more junk in the trunk and a little pudge around the middle. But you want to something else? I am strong and healthy, and am able to run and bike and swim and wrestle with my dog. I eat what I want, when I want it simply because I can. Because this body needs and wants those yummy and delicious nutrients (whether they come from Mega Stuffed Oreos–HAVE YOU SEEN THESE HEAVENLY COOKIES?! A unnecessary necessity for sure!–or green beans). And that glow? Well I think that stems from pure happiness.
I may have a food baby belly, but gosh darn it all to Reese’s Pieces, I earned that food baby belly! And you know what else…..
Not this gal! And nor should you. Or you. Or you. We all have those days where our hair will not cooperate whatsoever even after a bottle of hair spray and our clothes fit a bit too snug. We all have our flaws (caterpillar mustache eyebrow included), but those flaws are what makes you and you and you unique. We should embrace them, not hide them or be ashamed of them!
And we all should feel free to eat a big breakfast or lunch or dinner (or brunch or linner or lupper) and let that food baby hang out, baby! Just let it out! (Wow. That sounded better in my head but a tad weird in writing, no?)
But promise me one thing, k?
Neverevernever ask that question. Like, ever!
I hope you guys have a great rest of your night. I fully intend on planting myself on the couch with a big bowl of ice cream (after all, I am “eating for two” now) and geeking out to all three hours of Oscar mayhem! Helllloooo Bradley Cooper
Question of the day:
Have you ever been asked an equally embarrassing question? Have you ever asked an embarrassing question?