When God Winks at You

Hey y’all!

Faith.

Aptly defined, it means a confidence or trust in a person or thing.

It is belief that is not based on proof.

It is a belief in God or some higher power.

It is also what fills my heart and soul, gives me courage, and guides me in my every days and every nights. I have talked about how important my faith to me is before, how that unyielding and never-wavering belief in the big man upstairs and his infinitive love has gotten me through some of the most difficult times in my life. I may not understand all of his motives, his decisions or plans. I may get frustrated and even upset with him. But it is that very faith that lets me know my life is in the best hands possible. That all of ours is.

I recently read an amazing book called When God Winks at You.

A surprising answer to prayer comes at just the right moment. Could God be showing you that He cares about the details of your life? The author of this wonderful page-turner, author Squire Rushnell says these silent little miracles are ‘godwinks’ – messages of assurance that no matter what is happening in your life or how uncertain things may seem at the moment, God is with you and will help you move toward certainty.

When God Winks at You is an amazing array of real-life stories that really help you (And you. And yes…even you.) begin to recognize the godwinks in your own life and attain an unshakable confidence that you are never alone…and never have been. I really believe that there are truly no coincidences, just God taking care of us, carrying us in times of difficulty and confirmation when we need answers. This book was just confirmation of that fact. Written as a compilation of real-life stories submitted from people just like you and me, it sheds light on moments in life, personal experiences or occurences that held a special meaning, a deep impact or a pivital turning point in these people’s lives.

I have been fortunate enough to have had many similiar experiences and moments in my life compared to those found in this inspiring book.

One of these key moments was getting fired from my first ‘big-girl’ post-college and what had seemed to me, my ’ultimate dream job’. At the time, I was absolutely crushed and devestated. My world had come to a screeching stop, sending me into a whirwind. I felt like a failure. That I simply wasn’t good enough. Having been always on the top of my game, always liked by all, and never really even having had the words “FIRE”, TERMINATE”, and/or “LET GO” in my vocab before then, my self-worth and esteem seemed to go down the toilet. I didn’t know who I was anymore. What I was. In a lot of ways, I felt lost and confused. Like someone had totally reprogrammed my GPS and left me willy-nilly to fend for myself.

In the midst of this confusion, this heartache and loss, God winked at me. He took off that blindfold that was preventing me from seeing what was really in front of me, what even greater opportunities laid before me and gave me the kick in the bum I needed to go after what I really wanted. He knew that I wasn’t destined to stay at the company, in that position. That sneaky little wink of his made me realize how strong I really was, that I could get back up after a fall and come back even better than I was. He made me see that I cannot be defined by my work, by my need to be perfect all the time. He opened up a whole new world of posibilities for me.

A Godwink.

Another major moment that completely changed my life was this past christmas. I was in Gulf Shores, Bamalama with the whole crazy Hansen crew, celebrating the Holidays, beach style. It was a time when I should have been having the time of live life, having fun and enjoying spending time with my family whom I love so darn much. Sure I had a blast. I did have fun. But I was half-assing it. I was probably sicker than I had ever been, ED controlling the steering wheel and loving every minute of it. I was smiling on the outside, but on the inside, I was hurting. I hated how I felt, I hated how much I was not living, and most of all, I hated that I felt too weak, too powerless, too afraid to do anything about it. I had been praying to God every day, asking for the strength to kick ED out the door for good. But I had yet to receive an answer, not even a text. Christmas night, I got the call I had been waiting for. The wink of all winks. That night, I broke down to my mom and sister. I simply had had enough. I had reached my breaking point, my rock bottom. I had been living under ED’s demands and controls for nearly half of my life. I was sick, I was sad, and I was pissed. All of which make for the perfect ingredients to either a) turn into the Hulk or b) turn into the Hulk and go all-ape-shit on ED. Which I did

I can’t quite describe what happened, but I truly think that God came to me that night and said, “Okay girl, it is time. You are ready. I have been training you and giving you practice. Let’s do this thang!”

That moment signaled to me what would become my Mission 2012. My saving grace. My Chuck Norris, karate chop, high-kick, good ‘ol ass whoopin’ of one Miss ED. That wink saved my life.

Whether you believe in God or not. We’re all protected by a greater force. I think each one of us experience subtle “winks from god” all the time, but often deem them as coincidences or luck. You’re free to believe that, but I think my “luck” is something more. I find so much comfort in knowing that no matter how difficult of an obstacle that I’m faced with, I’ll always be okay. Because God is in control, and he loves me unconditional. How wonderful is that?!

Sorry for getting all sentimental on you today, but this afternoon I couldn’t help but think of how happy I’ve been over the past few months and how far I’ve come since this time last year. I’m so blessed!

Question of the day: Do you have any stories of “god winking at you”. If you think really hard I know you do

 

Really Real. Really.

Hey guys!

Usually this blog o’ mine is upbeat and silly, full of some of my observations and thoughts about this crazy but wonderful world we live in. I wanted to share with you my everdays and everynights, my fun and memorable experiences. I wanted to give you all a glimpse into what it’s be like to walk a day in my Chuck Taylor shoes, what it is like to be me. And I have loved every minute of it (I hope you have done the same, or at least somewhat put up with me. I know I can be kind of an uber dork at times). And for the most part, I do write about silly and upbeat things, just because that is how my life is. That is how I like and choose to view the world, with a smile and a sense of humor the size of Big Foot’s giant foot.

When I first decided to start this blog, I wanted to be as real as I could be. I wanted it to be sort of a digital diary if you will, with the exception that this one would not be kept hidden under my bed like my other Lisa Frank notebooks that my sister always seemed to get her hands on. No, this diary I wanted to share with the world-wide web, with all of you. I told myself from the start that I would be as real as real could be.

But I have a confession to make: I haven’t been as real I could have been.

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever written, the hardest thing that I have ever admitted, both to myself, to those who know me best and to those who are here for the first time. I was afraid, and am still afraid, of showing a weakness, of sharing something that for so long, I have tried to keep hidden and pushed away. Something I was extremely ashamed and embarassed of.

You see, I have been fighting a very strong and debilitating disease for quite some time now. There have been times where I have been really great, healthy and happy and strong, but there have also been times when I have not, times when the grips of hopelessness and guilt and loneliness seemed to have its iron hands on me. I guess that how it is when you are knee-deep in recovery from an eating disorder. Every day is a journey. Every day you have the choice to wake up and decide to do what YOU want to do, what YOU need to do, or you have the choice of listening to that evil and manipulative voice in your head telling you to do something different. To those people who have been lucky enough never to have struggled with an eating disorder, to have almost lost everything because of it, you are extremely lucky.

You also may not understand the complexity of the disorder. And that is totally normal. After years of battling anorexia, I don’t think I completely understand it either. Something I do know is that it is so much more than food. So much more than physical appearance and wanting to gain attention in some odd way.  It goes much, much deeper than any of that. I also want to stress that ED as I call him (short for Eating disorder) is a totally separate entity from the person. My ED and I are not one in the same. ED is a coruptive and sinister voice who sits on my shoulder, telling me that if I just do what he says, if I just continue to hurt myself and others by not living the full life that I could be had he not shown up in my life, I will be the person I always wanted to be. I will be perfect. But is this the person I really want to be? Absolutely NOT! Can anyone really be perfect? Absolutely NOT!

The thing that I am realizing is that I am SOOOOO much more happy being perfectly imperfect. So what if I don’t wear size 2 jeans? So what if I decide to skip a trip to the gym and instead stay at home, watching Harry Potter marathons while eating Ben & Jerry’s from the container? Does that mean that I am a bad person? Absotively posatutley NOT! My strive of perfection, my need to be on my game 100% of the time has led me down a path of self-consciousness, doubt and fear. It has turned an amazing and funny and care-free girl into one who is shy and constantly worried about what others think of her, one who thinks one of the hardest things to do is accept herself for who she is, to love herself. And one of the most trickiest parts about ED is that he is omnious; he lets me be me to an extent. He allows me to retain a lot of what makes me, me, yet hinders me just to the point where I am not completely in control. ED has allowed me to live, but not fully live. It’s like looking through a pane of window shades; I can see the sun shining and the dog peeing on the neighbor’s bush, but only partly. The shades, or ED, is in the way and is covering my full view. I have had enough of the window shades. Heck, I not only want to look out the clear window, but I want to ditch the window completely and let the fresh air consume me.

For each person it is different of course, the reasoning behind why they turned to this ridiculous method of coping, of dealing with the stresses and worries of their lives. I still don’t quite know why this disease got a hold of me, but I do know that it has had its hold on me for too long. For far too long.

For so long, this disease has been like a the bad roommate, the smelly ex-boyfriend, the frenemy I have never wanted. It has take-take-taken everything from me; my voice, my happiness, my dreams.

But that all stops now.

It is time that I start taking. Taking back my voice, my happiness, my dreams, my life.

This is not going to be an easy thing to do. In fact, this will be the hardest and most trying thing I will ever have to do. There will be bumps and bruises along the way. There will be distractions and road-blocks trying to prevent me from getting to my destination. I will fall. But I will get back up. I will keep fighting. I will not give up.

I deserve to have that perfectly imperfect life that God intended me to have and I will do anything and everything to reclaim what was, and is, mine. It is time to once and for all evict that bad roommate, ditch the smelly ex-boyfriend and de-friend my frenemy on the Facebook of life.

I started off this blog as a way to share with you my crazy and wonderful life.

I wanted to be as real as I could be.

This is me being real.

This is me showing my strength by sharing my weakness.

I am imperfect. I have my struggles and my doubts. But I am also a pretty darn amazing girl who loves life and is working her bum off (actually, who is working to gain a bit of a bum) to be the person she wants to be. 110%. I am the same person I have always been. I am still silly and goofy and loving and caring; ED has not changed that. I am however on my way to being an even better version of myself. So watch out…Wendi is back baby and there is no stopping what I can do!

I want to thank you for listening, for reading this and for following me on this journey. I also want you to know that I am here for anyone out there who may be going through the same thing or knows someone who is and wants to talk (I have been told I have a tremendous pair of ears). I would love to answer any questions you may have or just to be there in support. If I can help inspire or give someone the strength to once again be healthy and happy, to let them know that they are not alone, I would be so very happy. One thing I have learned through this whole process is that it is alright to ask for help, that no one alone can beat this thing.

Another thing that I have learned…recovery is possible. And that to me is enough.

Fight Fear with Fear

Happy Tuesday everyone! I hope that this week has been great for you so far

Get ready to put on your reading pants my friends because I’ve got a slightly wordy one for you today.

You see, last night as I made my way home on the 40 D bus, like I do almost every day when quitting time rolls around, I found myself fighting a serious case of ‘Nascar Brain’. I am sure you have all felt it at one point or another, your mind racing a million mph, thinking and analyzing and pondering every idea from here to the moon. Even the complete hilariousness that is Weird Al (just downloaded his new CD on the i-pod…super funny!) couldn’t deter me away from my rampant thoughts. Don’t you just wish sometimes that your brain had an off switch or a mute button? That on occasions when  your brain is going a mile a minute, you could take a breather from yourself and just, well, be? I certainly do. They say a great mind is a terrible thing to waste, but every now and then, I don’t think it would hurt if it decided to take a quick siesta.

I’m sorry…where was I again? Oh that’s right…Last night as I headed home in a stupor of thoughts, one of the things that was occupying my frontal lobe was the concept of fear–something I must admit I struggle with on a near daily basis, or I used to anyway.

I’m not talking about your quote unquote “typical” kinds of fears like spiders, heights, or that this country will never find a cure for Beiber-Fever (spiders I can handle and heights are no match for me, but an endless soundtrack of “Baby, Baby, Baby Oh”? Now that is something to be terrified of for surely–no offense to all of the Beliebers out there).

No, the type of fear that I am talking about is the sneaky kind. The kind that often looks and seems harmless from the outside, but is chock-full of anxiety and worry, causing many a sleepless night. Brave and confident I may seem, this fear tends to rear its ugly head (and smelly foot) in my life any and every chance it gets.

I fear that I am missing out on life, on all of the exciting and adventurous and amazing opportunities that it can bring.

…but I also fear that by taking a risk and going after these opportunities, I might fail.

I fear being hurt by others.

…but I also fear that I might miss out on a chance to form meaningful and long-lasting relationships.

I fear the unknown.

…but I also fear that things will never change.

I fear making hasty decisions.

…but I also fear I over-think too much.

(Clearly this post is leaning towards the latter, ahem.)

For the longest time, I thought that these fears were normal, that everyone at some point in their lives battled these feelings and thoughts. I thought that I was just being smart, that I was thinking things through and being aware and cautious of all the implications of my choices. The truth is, my fears have been a disable for me. They have turned me away from opportunities and experiences and relationships that I could have had, all because I was afraid and scared of the unknown, the not-knowing, the constant topsy-turvy flip of the coin. Life is only as good as what you make it, and by letting fear take a hold of me, I was not “living” to my full potential.

I have thankfully learned that these fears are not normal and have combatted them, karate-chopping my way through each fear, one by one (I may seem small but I am feisty–Mr. Miyagi knows his stuff). Over the span of just a few months, I have been through many changes; I moved to a new city, started a new job, am living on my own away from family and close friends for the first time, not  to mention having to evict, with force, the neighborhood of spiders that seem to have taken up my residence at the moment (ICK!). At first, each of these ‘changes’ was a fear of mine, something that I was slightly nervous about doing or trying but with the completion and conquering of each one, came the added strength to tackle the next. I started to like how it felt to finally be free of all of these extra and useless thoughts taking over my mind. I liked how it felt not to worry about the worse-case-scenario all of the time and just go for it, balls to the wall, full speed ahead. I like to think that now, I wouldn’t necessarily say enjoy taking risks, but I don’t turn away at the sight of them. I am more courageous and willing to try new things go out of my comfort zone a bit. Like I always say (actually, I just kind of made this up but from now on I am totally saying it), you never know how strong a rubber band is until you stretch it.

But it’s not just about taking risks. Sure, taking risks can be a great thing and a wonderful way to overcome fear, but it isn’t the only alternative to being free from it. If you ask me, freeing ourselves from these fears, these anxieties and worries, is one of the most basic steps we must take in order to just…live. And live fully and completely.

One way that I have found to help me overcome these fears, especially in a world where there seems to be a reason to be afraid around every corner, is through God. He has given me the strength and hope and faith that things will be okay. That I don’t have to be alone in my fight. That by defining his love through my actions and thoughts, it is defining a life of greatness. I have been through  many things in my short 24 years of life, have trudged up many hills, stumbled over many road blocks and crossed over many raging rivers, and you know what? It wasn’t easy. But with each challenge, with each fight, I have overcome and I have gotten stronger. That to me, it the exact opposite of fear. Franklin D. Roosevelt once famously said,” The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Franky, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

So the next time fear takes you for a ride, open your eyes, put your hands up, and show it that you are not afraid. Life is full of rollercoasters, loop-D-Loops and twists and turns. All you have to remember is that with the big man upstairs in control, you have nothing to be afraid of…except for maybe those darned spiders…and Justin Beiber.

Have a great Tuesday everyone!

Question of the day: What is something you are afraid of?

Angel Poop

The imagination and pure faith of a child never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes I think as adults, we have a tendency to get so caught up in the hustles and bustles, the stresses that come from work, traffic, bills, school, etc. and the responsibilities that we have come to take on with age  that we forget to enjoy what makes our lives so great. We can become hard and cinacle, oblivious to the small miracles and joys that we once so frequently were apart of. I have a story to share with you that I hope will bring shed some light on how the simple reflections of a child can foster in all of us, a desire to enjoy the small things in life again.

A few weeks ago, I found myself on a plane getting ready to fly to Denver, CO to visit family and to witness my cousin Brandon and his lovely fiance get married. As I boarded the plane and found my seat, I was asked by one of the flight attendants if I would e willing to swap seat assignments with a passenger who prefered a window seat. Since I had to be up at five in the AM to be at the airport that morning and figured on sleeping to Denver anyway, I didn’t mind whatsoever.

As it turns out, the passenger who wanted my seat was a little girl named Hope. She had the brightest blue eyes that I had ever seen and was carrying a Justin Beiber backpack twice as big as her. Her mom, older brother and father were seated in the row directly behind us. Hope’s mom leaned over the seat and said to her, as she handed over a package of gummy bears, “Now sweety, what do you say to this kind girl who let you sit next to the window?” Hope took her gummy bears from her mom, looked at me and said, “You wanna a gummy bear? We can share but you can’t have any of the red ones; those are my favorite.”

I could tell that her mom was embarrassed but I simply smiled, laughed and said to Hope, “Thank you so much but you can keep your gummy bears. You know what, the red ones are my favorite too.” She then thanked me for letting her sit by the window (to her mom’s delight) and got ready to take off. She told me that this was her very first time riding an airplane. She and her family were on their way to Denver to visit her grandparents for a long weekend. As the flight attendants went over the safety instructions and flight policies, Hope gave me the cliff notes version of her life story–she was four and three-quarters, LOVED Justin Beiber (hence the backpack and nail polish she was wearing–nail polish?! Who knew?), was allergic to cats (but carried with her a stuffed animal kitty named Princess) and was looking forward to eating her grandma’s homemade apple pie as soon as she got to her house (aren’t grandma’s the best?). As I sat there and listened to Hope talk, I became a bit jealous of her ability to just talk to strangers and strike up conversation like that; I am 24 years old and still get somewhat nervous when meeting strangers for the first time. 

As the plane began to move down the tarmac, Hope’s eyes were focused on the window next to her. I could tell she was a little nervous and didn’t know what to expect. We started to lift off of the ground and Hope turned to me and said something that really stuck with me. In reality it was a very simple question, yet it held so much meaning behind it and really made my heart smile. Hope, with innocence and curiosity in her eyes looked at me and said  ”Do you think we’ll go high enough to see God?” 

I wanted so much to hug her that very moment. It was so refreshing to hear that someone, young and naive she may have been, still had so much faith and, well, hope. I smiled and told Hope, “Well, I don’t think we will meet God today (at least I hoped that any of us would not be meeting the big guy upstairs today or any time soon), but keep an eye out the window; you never know when we might see an angel or two.”

The rest of the flight was flew by, pun intended. Hope and I played a couple of rounds of tic-tac-toe (which she managed to beat me in all–I still say that I let her win), played a mean game of checkers (I won this time, thank goodness. I don’t think my ego could take another crushing haha) and she even let me color out of one of her Shrek coloring books (speaking of which, when was the last time you took a coloring book and just went to town? It is soooo relaxing, even if you break the rules and go outside the lines).

As we started our initial decent into Denver, we began to go through some clouds which Hope described as “smore-y marshmallows”. While Hope was once again looking out the window of our plane, she noticed white markings on the wing that was on our side of the aircraft. She pulled my sleeve, notifying me of her discovery and said, “Eww! Look! A bird pooped on our plane!”  Gosh this girl is a regular old Jerry Seinfeld; she had me laughing the whole ride their. And the best part was, she wasn’t even trying to be funny; she just was. It was her bluntness and randomness and pure excitement and joy over everything that made me smile. With a chuckle, I replied, “Um, I don’t think that birds can fly this high in the sky.” Hope then said something so precious, so unforgettable, I just had to write it down and share with all of you. Hope said with a look of wonder in her eyes, “Maybe it was angel poop!”

I was so blessed to have been able to meet such a wonderful little girl like Hope; maybe it was one of God’s little miracles that if you’re lucky enough to take the time to look for and notice, he presents you. Hope gave me a gift that day, a gift that I am going to take with me and hold on to. She reminded me that life is not about the hustles and bustles, about the stresses and responsibilities; it’s about taking the time to enjoy and be so very grateful for the great things that God has given us. Breath. Laugh. Smile. Have faith and hope and share those things with others. Don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger–you never know where it will lead and what you might learn.

Overall, be thankful for what you’ve been given and enjoy the flight

Have a great Thursday everybody!

The Darker Side of Mother Nature

On a more serious note today, I would like to acknowledge the many, many people who have been affected in some way by the terrible storms that have hit parts of the US over the past few days.

Mother Nature can be quite mysterious and unpredictable sometimes.  She has the power to bring great joy and  happiness–a pleasantly cool autumn night, a light breeze on a hot summer day, a fresh white snowfall on the eve of Christmas. She also from time to time can throw a curve ball at us, one that is not so nice, that tests our strength and perseverance. Over the past week, thousands upon thousands of lives have been dramatically impacted by the severe weather that has plagued parts of the United States, including the Midwest and South, as well as other areas. As many of you all know, I have a very intense fear of tornadoes. I have been extremely lucky not to have been in any (although on several occasions, I have come very close). It amazes me how much power a twister has, how it can spring up out of nowhere, move and tear through a town and within a matter of mere minutes, destroy everything in its path.

This is a picture taken Wednesday after a massive tornado made its way through Birmingham, AL. The tornado was one of many spawned by a vast, violent storm system that has so far killed as many as 231 people in six U.S. states as of today. At least 131 people have died in Alabama alone, where several strong tornadoes tore through cities. One weather man was quoted as saying, “This could be one of the most devastating tornado outbreaks in the nation’s history by the time it’s over.” I can’t imagine the feeling of coming out of a storm to this scene, to have lost everything you own, to not be able to recognize the town or city you once were so familiar with.

A silent monster, although to be quite honest, these monsters can be anything but silent. Witnesses say that this tornado (which was just over a mile wide) that barreled through Tuscaloosa late Wednesday night sounded like a steady moving freight train, demolishing everything in its path. In all of the times that I  have come close to tornadoes such as these (but not nearly to the extent to which these were), there was always an eerie stillness and quite that both proceeded and followed the storm. Nothing is as scary as that stillness, that muted silence that fills the air.

 

The devastation that these terrible storms brought was  simply unparalleled.  Cities’  infrastructures have been absolutely decimated leaving many homeless and without a great deal of hope. According to Red Cross officials who were present, the number of ambulances on the street in Birmingham was just like taxicabs in New York; there was a constant flow of people being ushered to the hospital, loved ones trying to find each other, injured victims being catered to…it was the definition of chaos. These are scenes that I can only begin to imagine in my nightmares. The good thing about nightmares is that you eventually wake up from them. The victims of these violent storms don’t  have that option–they are left to deal with the aftermath, to pick up the pieces and to move forward.

I want to let everyone who might have been affected by these storms know that each and every one of them are in my thoughts and prayers. I know that hope may feel slim right now, that there is a deep sense of sadness and heartache and loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the strength that these people must have to be able to go through something as tragic as this, rebuild not only homes and their town but their lives, and be better people because of it. Mother Nature may work in mysterious ways, but God takes the cake on that notion. I don’t know the reason behind why or how these storms took place, nor do I pretend to understand why it will probably happen again in the future. All I do know is that the big guy upstairs does not give us anything we can’t handle. He does things to test our strength and faith and hope in him, in ourselves, and in others. There could never be a rainbow without a little rain. The sun will shine again and that is one thing that everyone can hold on to.

“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.”  ~George Iles